Final

More to come...

Last Minute Items

Couple last minute things...

1.) Make sure you are there on time tomorrow. The first event, which is a team event begins promptly at 2pm. I suggest arriving at Horn Champion Arena around 1 or 1:30. If your team is not ready to participate at 2pm, you are going to forfeit that event. That would suck.

2.) We are over budget. Appearantly $50 a team was a gross underestimation of how much it takes to hold this event. We did our best to control costs, but discounts for bulk food and drink purchase weren't as easy to come by as we had hoped. It is our hope that every competitor can throw in an additional $5 on the day of the event. Chairman M and Horn will still be in the hole, but signifigantly less so.

3.) If you don't want to be listening to Shower Mix 2 on repeat for eight hours I suggest you bring a couple burnt CDs or your Ipod. Otherwise be prepared to jam to "Barbie Girl" at least thirty times.

We Have a Logo!

Next time you see Beer Girl, give this guy a giant hug (man hug if male). I don't know how long it took him design it, but... I mean it's beautiful.

Actually Something Serious

Let's momentarily break from dehumanizing competitors to address the issue of drunk driving. Here's our stance on it. Don't do it. It's retarded.

If you are participating in the Beer Olympics or are just an over served spectator you should plan on an alternative mode of getting home. No one needs to get a DUI (loss of license for one year), get into an accident, or kill anyone. And if you don't think drinking and driving leads to these things you are retarded. Thanksgiving weekend is one of the biggest times for alcohol related fatalities to occur on the road. Don't be one of them.

So know going in to the competition that you won't be driving home and plan for it. Here are your three options.

1.) Get a cab. Visit www.yellowpages.com and see the listing of over 25 cab companies serving the area. Being near O'hare certainly has its advantages. You can take that directly home or if you don't want to take it into the city, there is a blue line stop that is a five minute cab ride from Horn Champions Stadium.

2.) Get a designated driver. If you can't afford a cab, then you are stuck looking for friends that won't drink so they can safely get you from point A to point B.

3.) Crash at Horn Champions Stadium. He's not going to be happy about it, but the arena offers six couches and over 2,000 square feet of flat indoor surface to pass out on. If all else fails, just lay down. You can figure out how to get home in the morning.

On a day when most competitors will have trouble walking, don't think that you'll be able to drive. Plan ahead and the only thing you'll have to worry about is how much it's going to hurt to do the wheelbarrow after ten beers.

ICRS: Chairman Horn

Name: Chairman Horn
Age: 25
Height: 5’ 9"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Chairman Horn lives with Tina, McCheese, and Papa. The fact that not one of them has been murdered in a homicidal rage demonstrates Horn’s exceptional tolerance. But beer? Yeah that guy can’t drink worth shit.

On his last birthday he had what Doctor M, after six beers, described as, “Yeah, you probably have a brain aneurism. Too bad you couldn’t finish this bar crawl before dying.” And then he didn’t die. If you are going to stop a bar crawl due to physical trauma, you damn well better die. That’s just embarrassing.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Chairman Horn avoids a boot, no matter how strategic, as he lacks the ability to recover well. Wiping a drool covered chin and pointing out just how red he got his eyes is typical before he announces “this is gay” and passes out. Look for him to avoid this game ending scenario at all costs.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
Horn’s chug speed is largely dependent on how much pride is involved in the game. Sure he’ll try and beat a dude, but put a chick against him and really watch him shine. This is defined by the formula: how attractive + breast size + hookupability – times made out with Tina. The higher this factor, the higher his chug speed, as defined by the graph below:






Quarter Skills:
* * * * *
Forget asking whether this game is beneath him, it is. He plays this in his sleep, but what will surely lead to disaster for his team is who he targets. It’s unappealing to lower himself to pick off skill-less girls or rookie boys. He’s going after his typical arch nemesis, McCheese, who unfortunately is on his team. Why? “That guy’s an asshole.”

Pong Ability:
* * * * *
When I think of athletes, I think of launching round objects through the air. Horn thinks of groping other men. But those who laugh at this won’t laugh long. His high school wrestling days paid off, because Horn is one of the best at cupping balls.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * * *
Physical activity, sharp mental skills, and mass drinking are crucial in the game that he was integral in building. If you’ve read the rest of this none of those leap off the page as Horn’s strong suits. But don’t be fooled - he holds the sink record on every table he’s consistently played. We can argue he just loves being on his back, but we’ll have to do it while hoping we don’t spit biz and trying to remember how many times he’s scored.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Were this his major he’d have graduated in less than three years. Ironic since it’s exactly what kept him there five. They say Horn learned his technique in Catholic grade school when a Deacon showed him, then asked him to turn around so he could show him the technique in more depth.

His position is captain and anchor in nearly every competition, and the only thing that will move him from it is the prospect of closer proximity to a drunk coed. The other reason this may be is that chugging his one finger pour against girls looks less embarrassing. Fill him a full boat and he’ll choke worse than Toby on Sizlak. Lucky for him there’s a limit on pours and his heaven sent technique should allow him to tear through the competition.

Intangibles:
* * *
Horn’s good deeds just don’t seem to end. Known not only for hosting the Beer Olympics, he’s also founded the “Make Old People Shovel Your Driveway” club, helped out his local Salvation Army by accepting any and all used couches, and weekly sponsors a “Who The Hell Ate My _____” symposium outside his fridge. Horn will be a solid competitor despite flagrantly charging toward incontinence the whole day.

ICRS: Chairman M (Horn Version)

Name: Chairman M
Age: 25
Height: 6' 4"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Champaign

Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitor Score

Tolerance:

* * * *

On one hand, the Chairman is a seasoned beer drinker who still returns to his college frat house to celebrate non-existent party holidays like "Unofficial St. Patty's Day." On the other hand, he graduated with a poetry major and recently designed a "baseball tee" as casual wear for men on Sundays. The potential is certainly there, but he'll have to "straighten" up a bit for the games if he's going to be ready for a few beers.

Boot Factor:

* * * *

As with most experienced drinkers, he's no stranger to the reverse chug. However this has been less of an issue in recent years since his drinking is often limited between trips to the Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond. But history never forgets, and we can't help but recall events like his 21st birthday where he displayed a stomach as solid as McCheese's abs.

Chug Ability:

* * *

They say slow and steady wins the race. But everyone knows that's just something McCheese's mother made up to keep him involved in youth sports. Besides, try telling that to Captain Ron as he inhales 36 ounces of beer as a warm-up before kicking the Chairman's ass in the beer chugging event. With his team sorely lacking a fat chug beast, this could be the area that makes or breaks the Chairman's Olympic dream.

Quarter Skills:

* * * * *

Baby Bird would likely be a superior draft pick if she spent as much time practicing as he does, but sadly she spends all of her free time making substantially more money than her husband. This also possibly explains why he'll lick an ashtray or drink urine for $10 and once tried to get hit by a passing jet ski so that he could sue for damages. But no matter how pathetic that may be, he's still a pretty damn good shot with a quarter.

Pong Ability:

* * * * *

I've seen this man fight a urinal because it was a Packer's fan. I've watched him knock himself unconscious on the corner of a "poorly-placed" cabinet. I've even seen him start a civilization between cars in a SIU parking lot with nothing but some beer, a slice of week-old pizza, and some donuts. But what I haven't seen is the Chairman having a bad round of Beer Pong. He's just as dangerous on the final cup as he is on the first.

Beer Die/Guy Rating:

* * * *

Once the backbone of team U of I, his spirits were crushed at the first Championship Tournament where team U of I suffered the first and only perfect game loss recorded to date. (For the record, that means the opposing team didn't even have to take a sip of beer) If he re-enters the arena he'll likely feel like he was just kicked in the balls and left for dead. And this time it won't be his wife doing it to him.

Flip Ability:

* * * *

Consistency is the name of his game. He's not going to blow you out of starting gates with his chug and probably won't wow you with last second pressure flips. But he will consistently 1-2 flip all night long until the rest of the racers get bored of watching. So how do you get him off his game? You don't. He does this in his sleep. But Baby Bird can and usually does. My personal favorite is when she distracts him by picking a fight with a group of knife-wielding Mexicans: "My husband hates landscaping and can kick your ass..."

Intangibles:

* * * * *

You wouldn't expect much from an out-of-shape poetry major. In fact, you would question his heterosexuality if he dressed a little nicer. But unlike Tina, he isn't nominating himself for Physical Specimen of the Year. His value to his team has far greater reach than sheer beer-guzzling prowess. This man brings leadership to the table. He single-handedly brought his gay fraternity up from "total loser" status to their newly-acquired "hey, these guy are a bunch of dorks but at least they drink" level. He is also credited with starting one of the most glorious annual events in the beer gaming universe: the Beer Olympics. And he couples these leadership qualities with an astute drinking intelligence.

As the son of an evil genius, he has a mental edge over all who play against him. His intellectual accolades include such works as developing the infamous "3 Pump" sex definition and the "Two Shakes - No More" urinal masturbation theory. His success is often attributed to his equally inventive father (The Roy) who wowed the world with ground-breaking experiments like "Why you should mop the floor with Coca-Cola", "How to fix your Volkswagen with duct tape and fish-tank tubing," and "I bet you could kill a man with this bottle of cheese whiz."

Why They'll Take the Roscoe Alexander Trophy

Chairman Horn was kind enough to sit down Barry Melrose style and break down these teams into pretenders and contenders. In typical Horn fashion he chose to build up before breaking down.

Team Delicious

Why They'll Win:
Nobody will show up more prepared than the Chairman's team. It's almost as if the rules of the competition were tailored specifically for him (hmm... makes you wonder?). And unless it has abandoned Tina recently, luck will almost certainly be on their side.

Why They Won't:
They are sorely lacking a Fat Chug Beast to carry the drinking load. Sure, the Chairman is a fat beast but he can't chug to save his life. If that weren't enough, they'll also need to pick up the slack while the fragile-stomached Tina spends most of his free time bent over by the bushes. Building a team with three female drinkers was a big gamble.

Team Englewood Jack

Why They'll Win:
Look under the ideal Beer Olympics Team and all they are missing is the female chug best. They also practice more than anybody on the planet, not having left their living room in the past few years. On paper they may have the strongest team in the competition.

Why They Won't:
This event is being held at Chairman Horn's house so you can expect he'll be distracted by drunk people causing trouble. "Put a coaster under that!", "Don't put that cup so close to the edge!" and "Please don't crap in my living room." And a late female substitution could cause some uncertainty for them in the team events.

Team Undergrad

Why They'll Win:
Youth is on their side. Every team member has a fully functional liver and kidneys which is a combo that's nearly unheard of in the rest of the field. And don't think for a second that their rookie status is going to affect their confidence. Sammy Sosa has low self-esteem issues next to these guys.

Why They Won't:
Inexperience is a bitch, and over-confidence in a field of your older brother's buddies isn't going to make surviving easy on them. They're going to go down hard, and I, for one, hope it gets well documented.

Team Old Champaign

Why They'll Win:
They may be pound-for-pound the largest team in the running and they have tolerances to match. We foresee them pushing for full boats every chance they get, and that could give them an edge in the later rounds.

Why They Won't:
That's an edge they're sorely going to need. If alcohol doesn't inhibit every other team in the tournament, they're in a lot of trouble. They can drink just fine, but they're simply outmatched in skill and coordination events. Ironically, they're usually too drunk to realize it.

Team Beer Muscles

Why They'll Win:
Several team members hail for central Indiana, which means they drink daily to avoid the realization that their normal lives are more boring than a John Cusack film.

Why They Won't:
The following events were not included in this year's competition: The Tractor Pull, Ride-the-Goat, and Milk 3 Cows.

Team Poop

Why They'll Win:
Do I really have to come up with something for this category? They're not going to win. Everybody knows it? Ok, fine. Papa has entered two relatively unknown male competitors into the games which offers the possibility that they could be really good at cheating and pull off a win if no one is sober enough to catch them.

Why They Won't:
This group of talentless a**clowns must have been assembled in a drunken haze. Obviously someone mistook Papa for Will Purdue and figured he could sink a few cups in pong or do something else worthwhile. I assure you this is not the case. Aside from sharing his rugged good looks, Papa has nothing on W.P.

Team Sizlak

Why They'll Win:
This group compliments each other perfectly like an Olympic bobsled team. Sammy brings an enthusiasm to the team that can only be classified as border-line creepy, while the Professor compensates for this by being generally disinterested. Sizlak loves winning but has little talent. Sammy has some skills but usually no idea what's going on or where he is. The other two are really the glue that keeps the whole team together ...and Sammy and Sizlak out of jail.

Why They Won't:
Problem #1: Sizlak is their team captain. So they picked the blind guy to steer the bobsled. Plus, we can't help but feel the Professor is a little too well-mannered to slam a beer down and throw a table across the yard.

Team Rag Tag

Why They'll Win:
For a team of friendless misfits, this group has a lot of talent. Under Beergirl's expert tutelage they'll put in a strong showing. And even though they are new to each other, every player on that team has a long history of drinking victories under their respective belts. Of course, Goddo's belt has shrunk a few sizes since then.

Why They Won't:
Their most talented player has been out of drinking condition for the past few years. Their captain currently spends his Saturday nights babysitting his girlfriend's niece. The strongest female on their team thinks Beer Guy is someone that she made a pass at on Halloween but might possibly be getting that confused with Judy Barr Topinka.

Don't Fuck Up -- Points Already at Stake

Those of you who don't have a lot of confidence might want to call or email your captain, because points are already at stake. In order to keep things organized and seeded properly all captains have been asked to fill out the Beer Olympics Player Declaration form by noon on Sunday, November 16. Failure to do so will result in a loss of four points.

Here are your captains:

Team Delicious: Chairman M
Team Englewood Jack: Chairman Horn
Team Poop: Papa
Team Sizlak: Sizlak
Team Old Champaign: Dr. Dre
Team Undergrad: Animal
Team Beer Muscles: Beerchugus Major
Team Rag Tag: Two-Ply

Team members of Teams Delicious, Englewood Jack, and Sizlak don't need to worry. Their forms are already completed.

Team Poop attempted to submit, but didn't quite understand the concept at hand. By the way I applaud team captain Papa for his quick acceptance of the new team name. I was sad to see his errors, but very pleased to see that the attachment came back as "Team Poop Player Declaration Form". Way to wear your team name with pride!

Beer Olympics Schedule

Tina has been spreading the word about the schedule and I think he slightly confused some people. Here is the schedule:

2:00 Obstacle Course Prelims (2 heats, top 2 advance to championship)
2:30 Pong and Die Prelims (8 ---> 4, 4 games)
3:30 Table Game Prelims (2 heats, top 2 advance to championship)
---------------------------------------------------------------
4:00 Beer Blidfold Test
4:30 Pong and Die Finals
5:30 Chug 2 Beers
5:45 Beer Through a Straw
6:00 Quarters

PIZZA ARRIVES

6:45 Boat Racing
7:45 Drinking Memory
8:15 Table Game Finals
8:30 Obstacle Course Finals

Basically all that is happening is that we are doing the first round of the obstacle course and table game seperated by the first two rounds of pong and die. That way we don't have two hours of consecutive beer die. It just breaks it up better.

Yes this an ambitious schedule, but we'll make it. Questions? You know where to go.

Kyle Orton Watch -- Day Two: No email from Kyle.

Chairman Horn is Exhausted

McCheese made a feeble attempt to write Chairman Horn's profile and the one thing he came back to again and again was that Horn hates people. Now I thought he was joking (not ha ha funny, more this is not true funny) but it turns out he was right. Horn hates every person in the human race. Yes, even you. He has a sick brain built for cutting people down.

But now he's exhausted. He has nothing left to give and can't push out any more profiles. I thought this was a good sign. Maybe he got all his anger out and will be open to meeting new people with a smile on his face. But that just didn't happen. Instead of losing his anger he just lost his ability to be creative with it. The last profile, which we can't publish simply read, "Fuck you. I hate you and plan to stab you with an ice pick." I mean that's just not funny. So we're giving him a rest so that he can study the breaks in the beer pong table and practice his chugging form.

In the meantime since people like McGee and my mom might cry if we didn't have daily updates to read, I've got some stuff for you.

Deemed too nice for the real profile, Horn has asked my original profile serve as a secondary one to the profile he just completed. I just posted this profile and you can view it here. Horn's meaner, more acurate profile of Chairman M will be posted sometime next week.

I need help with Horn's so if you know anything stupid that should be included send me an email or dump it into the comments section. Both of those will go up next week.

And since I've got nothing else, Tina sent me this today and it's about beer. It killed three minutes from my work day. Hopefully it does the same for you:

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

And finally......

Kyle Orton Watch -- Day One: No email from Kyle (we'll keep you posted)

Today I Invited Kyle Orton to the Beer Olympics

Seriously. Maybe he'll come. Here's what I wrote to him:

"Kyle Orton
c/o Chicago Bears
Halas Hall
1000 Football Drive
Lake Forest, IL 60045

Dear Kyle Orton,

This is your official invitation to the Beer Olympics being held on Friday, November 24th.

Though you are a superstar football player you’re still young, and I’m guessing you can still throw one back. We have a range of competitors ages 21 to 25, so you’d fit right in. We need a Boilermaker rep since we have alumni from Illinois, Iowa, and Wisconsin competing. And I heard on a radio show you don’t know a lot of people in the area, so you probably have the time to come.

We currently have one spot open on one of the eight teams and we want you to fill it. According to the rules it needs to be filled by a girl, but we can make an exception for you. Besides nobody on that team knows each other so they’ll have the disadvantage of an initial lack of teamwork.

All the information you need is located at beerglory.blogspot.com, but I’ll give you the gist. Five competitors per team, two girls, three guys, participating in ten events. Members must participate in at least five but no more than six:

Beer Taste Test
Beer
Die
Beer Pong
Speed Quarters
Beer Memory
Table Game
Taps/Boat
racing/Flip Cup
Chug Two Beers
Chug through a Straw
Beer Obstacle
Course

We’re not a company or anyone trying to get publicity. We need another player and while watching the game this week, I figured what the hell, I’ll invite Kyle Orton.

Now maybe you think we’re crazy, and that’s probably true, but if you want to learn more about us you can visit the site and read the profiles. At that point you’ll know more about us than we know about you.

If you want any further information, like the location, you can send me an email. I don’t share our real names or the event location with anyone I don’t know. Most of us have real jobs and promoting the fact that you can chug two beers the fastest isn’t exactly the way to the top. We’ll offer you the same anonymity.

Let me know if you are interested in participating or just stopping by.

Sincerely,

Chairman M"

If he does come. He better watch his ass. My family eats Bears quarterbacks alive. My dad picked off Mike Tomczak in a flag football game. Beware Kyle, I will do the same to you in Beer Pong.

Mendoza is Disgruntled

Mendoza is pissed off. We don't know why, but she is. My theory is that she is psyching herself up for the Olympics a wee bit early. At this rate you better not screw with her on the 24th or she'll put a fist through your chest. Here's what she has to say:

"After reading the beer blog today, I was thinking that perhaps an age requirement should have been instated. No self respecting college graduate, nay- college student past their freshman year calls boat racing "flippy/flip cup." "Flippy cup" is left to those big-boob, airhead, h.s/college girls that played that game "only once", or so they say, and still have to be reminded of the rules. These youngn's and their lack of respect for the sport leaves me suspicious about their seriousness to play and ability to compete. Their girly-like demeanors have been exposed and I do not doubt their feeble tolerance will only leave us hoping they remember to clean up their puke."

Now I think what Mendoza is advocating is a big boobed bimbo ban not an age requirement.

Chairman Horn and I have discussed this extensively. While we are fierce opponents of the term "flippy cup", coming out of the mouth of a big boobed bimbo it sounds really cute and is actually pretty charming. Therefore we do not support the bimbo ban.

I would also like to point out that this further proves that girls hate other girls, even hypothetical ones that may or may not exist. If such rage can exist against imaginary women its a wonder that the WNBA can succeed, what with the requirement that five women have to work together at the same time. Actually this makes perfect sense. The only time women will work together is when they are working to defeat, harm, one up, or destroy another group of women. And they say men are competitive.

ICRS: Mr. Peepers

Name: Mr. Peepers
Age: 21
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Pete's Wicked Ale
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
One day he'll be a man, grow some chest hair, and be able to drink more than two beers without becoming woozy. That day is not today.

Boot Factor:
* *
Last year, I thought I'd be a nice brother and get him what he wanted for his birthday, a bottle of Captain Morgan. Five hours later I got a present in the form of a late night phone call.

"Your brother's really sick. He's puking and pooping at the same time."
"Is he still wearing pants?"
"No, he's in the bathroom right now. What does that matter?"
"Shitting in your pants sucks. He'll live. Good night."

He's smart enough to take his pants off before pooping. Are you listening Trifecta? Since it's only beer, I don't expect a repeat performance.

Chug Ability:
* * *
He's an accounting major so I'll put this in terms he can understand using a simple equation:
Mr Peeper's Chug Time >>> His sister's Chug Time.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Quarters requires you have at least fifty cents in change. Since every occasion it's time to buy beer, he's completely out of money, I can only assume he's never been able to play this game.

Pong Ability:
* * * * *
This is his event. Playing at his apartment on a door, brought back good memories, and revitalized the sport amongst us older competitors. He's a good shot and is nearly impossible to sneak a bounce by. That being said, I'm his older brother and therefore I still dominate him.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
While still in high school he was foolishly considering attending IU, a place even rats and cockaroaches don't want to hang out. We brought him to U of I, fed him tacos, gave him some margaritas, and forced him to play several games of Beer Die. He can't catch worth a damn, but the fact it played a signfigant role in his college choice has to count for something.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Let's get this straight, Mr. Peepers is not good at sports. He runs like a girl, jumps like a woman, and if he has to throw something more than 20 feet, there's a real risk that his arm may snap in two. But his flip is a work of art. You might think for a moment that he is a real man. That is until he celebrates with wild slapping and high pitched squeals of joy.

Intangibles:
* * *
He's taunted Packers fans in Green Bay, trash talked a 400 lb. man, and even regularly eaten at Bamba. If that doesn't show courage, I don't know what does. What he could use more of is actual drinking ability, a trait he is sorely lacking. Sure he'll dive into walls for errant dice, drink an extra four beers for the team, or sacrafice his body to block a pong ball, but eventually courage will turn to shame when he wakes up with his clothes on the rooftop and "WOMAN" written on his forehead.

Counter-Point: Beer Die vs. Beer Guy

The Story as Seen from the SideSober Enough to Remember

For those of you that were under the impression that Chairman M's recent post was a factual history of the game of Beer Guy, I'd like to apologize to you. What you just read would be better classified as amateur science fiction or fantasy. Seeing as we can't have a large group of potential guy advocates walking around believing any of that crap, I thought I'd take a moment right now to clear up any confusion onthe subject that the Chairman may have caused.

I'm not sure if it's an undeserved sense of accomplishment or the alcohol that's clouding his memory here, but the real tale of Beer Guy dates back to the summer of '00. It was then that we first got addicted to the game of Guy in a small Wisconsin cabin, similar to what the Chairman described. This, however, was not the first time that all of us had seen the game.

To several of us, the game dates back a few more months to a party in Milwaukee where we watched two of our lacrosse team captains annihilate an opposing team who looked like they were about to pass out on themselves between each throw. From that moment, my interest was officially piqued. I was informed from them that the game was "Beer Guy" (or at least, at my level of intoxication, that's how I understood it). By the time we revisited the game at the cabin (months later), it was emotionally too late for me to make any adjustments to the name.(In the same way that I will never call Boat Racing "Taps" or "Flippy Cup.")

As the story goes, the older guys broke out the table and asked if Chairman M and myself would like to play them in a drinking game. Chairman M was sheepishly worried that he was too full from his 6" sub to play and his fragile girl stomach would not be able to handle a lot of beer, when I informed him that I had seen the game before and itusually only makes you drink about 2-3 beers. Call it how you see it, but on the whole that statement is not far from the truth.

After the opening throw sank the Chairman's cup and he spit biz, we knew this game would be an unfortunate exception. Two throws later, they sank our cup again. Luckily for our team, I fearlessly spit a "2" to keep the drinking requirements within reach. Slowly we mounted a comeback and put in a strong showing in our first game. But over time, the beer took its toll.

Later on, I fell into what experts refer to as a "Biz-a-thon" where every other word out of my mouth was a horrific "Five" or "Seven." Since the drinking penalties were hurting us more and more as we went on, this made the Chairman and myself extremely nervous. He reprimanded me for my carelessness and play continued. Not 20 seconds later I fell into an extremely obvious "biz-trap" and as I looked over to apologize to my teammate I was met with a flying man-slap to the face. That's right, the Chairman five-starred me across the cheek in our very first game of Guy. Knowing what I had done, my only response was to hold my head in shame and attempt to drink both penalties as penance.

We were obviously hooked on the game. Any game that can take me from"full" to "uncontrollably drunk" in that small of a time frame is likely to get a good endorsement. After the weekend was over, the Chairman and I went back to our respective colleges to spread the good word of whatwe had seen. It was then that the Chairman taught and tried to develop the game he calls "Beer Die" to a small group of socially and athletically-handicapped nerds. I too spread the game, with the help of a few others like McCheese (who was also familiar with the MU lacrosse version) to a large group of "Beeratheletes" in Milwaukee. It was here that the two games started down very different paths.

The Chairman ended up padding all the rules to make the drinking penalties more tolerable so his frat sisters could continue playing with Wine Coolers and watered-down juice drinks. The Milwaukee version went through a different sort of transformation.

As the game spread with ease and players joined in from schools around the Midwest, it became obvious that we were becoming too good at the game. Through the years the basic rules needed to be adjusted to compensate for the growing pool of talented players. The rules were stiffened for maximum drinking and obstacles were added to make catching more challenging. But that's what any good sport does, it evolves overtime. If they didn't evolve, you would still see pro football players running around with leather caps and no face masks. Hockey players wouldn't wear helmets at all. And basketball would have a lot more goofy-looking white guys.

So that's the background of the two games, but what should be made a little more clear is that there really isn't any debate over the name of the game any more. As the Chairman admitted, Team MU and Team U of I met at Southern Illinois and faced off over naming rights. Later on, these two powerhouses met again, this time on U of I's home turf. In the opening game, the MU team shutout Team U of I in the first and only"perfect game" recorded to date. It's about time these Champaign boys just face up to the fact that the debate has been settled. Until they prove they know a thing or two about the game, it's not theirs to name. And if they need the topic settled one last time for closure, Team MUwill be happy to oblige come Olympic Day.

Posted by Chairman Horn

Divergence of Beer Die vs. Beer Guy

I'm often asked why the hell do we Champaignites and the rest of the world call Beer Die, Beer Die while Marquetteites refer to it as Beer Guy. The divergence of Die vs. Guy has a long and storied past and requires a worthwhile explanation.

In the summer of 2003 Chairman Horn and I spent a weekend in Wisconsin fishing, jetskiing, and general hanging out. Soon it became appearant that it was time for drinking games to begin.

"Who wants to play Beer Die?" An older friend said. Note that I put Die in italics because that is what he said.

"Hey sounds good." I replied. Not knowing anything about this game and fearing the fullness that a delicious 12" Cousins sub had provided, I asked my partner Chairman Horn, "How much beer do you have to drink in this game? I'm pretty full."

Also full from his standard 18" of sandwhich (note: I think he's compensating for something) he replied confidently, "Don't worry, I've seen people play this before. It's a one to two beer event. Three, tops."

After the rules of Beer Die were laid out to us we proceeded to warm up. The first throw went to the other team and they proceeded to sink us. Then I spit biz. We got one throw and were sunk again. Horn spit two, but the damage had been done. We were addicted.

Like Christ's apostles we were sent forth to spread the gosple to our respective campuses, but little did I know that in a moment of deafness Horn had heard our mentors say, "Who wants to play Beer Guy?"

I went to Champaign and we slightly adjusted some rules, writing under the table rather than on it. Horn went to Milwaukee and slightly adjusted some rules, changing the height to what some consider a drastic level. For the most part Beer Die was played regularly and remained intact at both campuses, so when I returned to Milwaukee and opened the door to find a foam board, four milk crates, and precariously perched cups at the four corners I knew it was on. Everything was going great until Horn asked the question , "Are the guys in Champaign as good at Beer Guy as we are here?"

"What the hell is Beer Guy?"
"This game."
"No it's called Beer Die. You're retarded."
"Beer Guy. Look we got a sticker that says Beer Guy and put it on our mini fridge."

Unable to defeat this logic and probably celebrating yet another sink on McCheese (look it's my story. I can tell it how I want to.) I let the subject go.

As time went on, Champaign remained a bastion of purity for the game of Beer Die, while Milwaukee mutated its freakish game of Beer Guy into a grotesque character of its former self. Pads were added to the playing surface. Then cans. Then you could drink the cans to make them go away. The throw height went even higher. Cup-catch meant nothing and scoring points also equaled a drink. Some guy wore kneepads. A rule was added to force players to disrobe. The popular clevage catch was added and crotch catch experimented with. By the time the Beer Guy/ Beer Die debate reached its apex Beer Guy was no longer recongnizable as Beer Die.

Unaware of just how much the rules had changed in one year, team U of I foolishly agreed to play for the naming rights under the rules of Marquette Beer Die. Trifecta was deemed unable to perform and a weakend U of I team was forced to take the table. Several controversial plays led to an eventual Buzz to Biz win. From this point further team U of I will always be forced to call Beer Die, Beer Guy, on the campus of Southern Illinois University. But no where else.

Because the evidence is outstanding. If you want to find a beer game where you throw a die across a table and attempt to catch it, the game is called Beer Die. See here, here, and here, among many other places. If you look up Beer Guy, you aren't going to find a game, you're going to find this guy.










Case dismissed.

ICRS: Animal

Name: Animal
Age: 21
Height: 5' 8"
Preferred Drink: Cranberry Vodka
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.5

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
She's got experience having already participated in a similar event, but I don't know if it's anything to brag about, "I participated in the Shot Olympics at Western and I think I might have won. Afterwards I fell down two flights of stairs and passed out in a field for an hour." Ummm...sweet. Maybe you might want to register for a different competition.

Boot Factor:
* * *
She's no Jones, but I'm concerned. When asked about some shameful experiences for her profile, both included the phrase "And then I threw up." Not a good sign.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
Color me impressed. Imagine McCheese eating a plate of blueberry pancakes, except instead of pancakes it's beer and the process is infinitely cleaner.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Based on the above experience with shot glasses, I'm guessing she'll just shake looking at one. Seeing as it's a key game piece in Speed Quarters, that could hurt the team. Of course maybe violent shaking and screaming will be an effective technique. It seems to work for Tina.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Is thinking you are awesome good enough to earn a high pong rating? No. But if it was Animal would have five stars. She's a solid competitor, but not going to earn any friends by saying things like, "I'll play with my eyes closed." or "Here, you only need to hit one of our cups to win."

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
Animal used to be a softball all-star, proving she's got the hand eye coordination to catch and throw. Unfortunately 8th grade softball is played sober, so after adding alcohol to the mix, it's difficult to see how those skills will transfer. My guess is that some will be lost in translation, but you'll see enough shine through to consider her a decent competitor.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
She excels at the flip but like Baby Bird, her strength is in negative reinforcement. We are actually concerned these two teams will have to go head to head at some point. Animal and Baby Bird will have no problem chugging and flipping in under a second, but the game will never end since both their teams will be sobbing in a corner from the "encouragement" they received.

Intangibles:
* * * *
I've got to assume she's the captain of this team, since she's the only one on the team I can see walking after three events. Mr. Peepers isn't going to carry the load, and I can't imagine her 90 lb friend causing too much of a ruckus either. Maybe the pressure will get to her, but I'm guessing that she'll just get alcohol poisoning and pass out on the lawn.

ICRS: Captain Ron

Name: Captain Ron
Age: 25
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Anything Alcoholic
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.625


Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Captain Ron is what is known as a Devolving Drunk. You can actually see the evolution of man working in reverse. You may think that stripping to boxers and walking on all fours is a drinking disadvantage, but throwing off the shackles of Homo Erectus is where Ron really hits his drinking stride.

Boot Factor:
* *
Captain Ron is a human garbage disposal. In a place where it's risky enough to drink the beer (Kam's) he willingly chugged a pitcher of blended duck eggs, squid, and God knows what else. No matter what you've got he'll get it down, the caveat being that once it's down it's probably coming back up. Don't be shocked to see Ron make a mess. He's the guy who once opined, "If you throw up into your hand and throw it on the ground, you won't have to leave the taps table."

Chug Ability:
* * * * *
Ron in his prime could have beat McCheese in his. He's that good. Sadly, this matchup never occurred. They'll compete now, but it's like old Jordan vs. old Bird. Sure you'll see flashes of brilliance, but it just isn't the same. (Chairman Horn Edit: This Ron beating McCheese in a chug is purely hypothetical. Opinion, not fact.)

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
Ron's good at quarters, and since there's no better place to add this…Ron creates destruction. Whether it's cookies, guacamole, or a cup of someone else's urine, when Ron's drunk and you notice a substance you don't want on you, here's two simple words to remember. Get. Away.

Pong Ability:
* *
"Did I ever tell you about how I played basketball in the seventh grade…" Yeah. About a million times. And if you ever hit the hook shot after you tell that story or your knee didn't always suddenly and randomly collapse, I'd have more confidence in your Pong abilities.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
"I play like a mantis." I have no idea what he means, but Captain Ron's a pretty solid competitor. He knows how to throw. He knows how to catch. And if you sink him he'll have finished his beer, spit biz, and finished another before you're done writing your name underneath the table. Way to take the fun out of the game, asshole.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
As a five year old, Ron looked forward to the times he had the flu and could take his Robitussin and flip the tiny cup. If taps were a Division 1-A sport, he wouldn't have paid a dime for college.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Did you know there are aliens amongst us or that man never really landed on the moon? Captain Ron does. Ron stays up to date with all the leading theories of pseudo-science. Right now he's working on how to chug a beer and pants you simultaneously using only his mind. Should be perfected by November 24th.

This Guy Needs a Team

Chuck Shepard's News of the Weird, a good way to lose an hour reading bizarre stories, reports here that some team might think about upgrading with this guy.

"In September, police in Madison, Wis., said Milo G. Chamberlain's blood-alcohol content was .425, which experts said normally is attainable only by those either dead or in a coma, but he was picked up, quite conscious, allegedly causing a disturbance at a Marathon gas station, where he reportedly got into a fight with a gas pump before being restrained by passersby. Police said Chamberlain responded to each of their questions only by rattling off strings of numbers of no particular pattern. [Capital Times (Madison), 9-23-06]"

I once had to put a refrigerator in its place for talking shit to me. I feel like this guy and I could be close friends.

ICRS: Silver Bullet

Name: Silver Bullet
Age: Age predates birth certificates, best guess based on appearance...504
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Mead
Training Grounds: Troy
Overall ICRS: 2.875

Individual Competitive Score

First things first... you're all lucky that this is a drinking competition and not a beauty pageant. Can you say "Game Over?"

Tolerance:
* * *
This guy was around when they invented beer. Of course back then they simply called it "breakfast." In fact, he originally considered starting his own brewery before deciding that strategically shipping beer all over the world was his true calling. Let it be known that you can only spend so much cash on furnishing your house and taking vacations. Eventually you just sit down and get drunk.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Old people don't boot. It's just wrong. We're not 100% sure at what age you make that transition, but once you have gray hair, false teeth, and a 1960's ice cream parlor in your basement... we're pretty confident you're there.

Chug Ability:
* * *
His wife is the true heavy-hitter of the family. She can throw back a glass of champagne before the cork hits the floor. But like most women, her tolerance limits her from true glory. That's where the Silver Bullet steps in with a sixer of Special Ex, a goofy grin on his face, and calmly says "Let's do this." And it doesn't end there. Once he takes you down, he owns you. You'll be moving furniture around his house for the next few decades, not even remembering why it is you owe him in the first place.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Things were a little different back in the days when the Silver Bullet started playing Quarters. Back then, a case of beer only cost you a nickel, so if the quarter slid off the table and landed underneath the refrigerator you and your buddies weren't drinking for the rest of the month. But that doesn't make him a slouch. Bring him a fishing pole, some silly puddy, a tin can, and three mattress springs and ask him to show you his infamous "Triple-Lindy" shot.

Pong Ability:
* * *
According to the Silver Bullet, pong is the poor man's drinking game. He prefers full-court Beer Tennis at the local country club. Watch out, he's got a wicked backhand.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
We're not going to lie. He's probably not much of a guy player. But what is he going to do... let Tina or McCheese show him up? Silver Bullet don't think so. And he (and Mr. T) pities the fool that does.

Flip Ability:
* * *
If you were thinking about knocking this old man down a notch with some head-to-head boat racing, think again. It's scary enough that he refers to the event as yacht racing, but he also happens to be a mathematical anomaly with the flip. As one analyst reported: "It would be over before it even started. You probably wouldn't even see him, there would just be a flash of gray lightning and some ringing in your ears before you realized that his cup is sitting on the table upside-down and your pants are mysteriously around your ankles."

Intangibles:
* *
So what does Tina think about some potential competition from his father?

"You don't teach an old dog new tricks. You know what you do to an old dog? You put him down." Harsh words from the soft and squishy competitor. But he does make a valid point.

Pessimists may say, "Hey, this guy is old. Real old. He can't possibly compete in a drinking competition with a bunch of collegiate-aged hooligans." And this may be true. Sure, he's old. He may even seem senile at times. But does that make him dead or incapable of performing? As best we can tell, only below the waist.

And we can't help but think he may have some added motivation in competing against a younger generation. The man is quickly nearing death and has few other events in life to look forward to. Why not go out with a bang at the Beer Olympics? ...Well, luckily for us, the retirement home doesn't issue weekend passes for Olympic hopefuls. He'll likely be sitting this one out in his rocking chair, imagining what could have been.

ICRS: Two-Ply (T.P.)

Name: Two-Ply
Age: 25
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Beer
Training Grounds:
Overall ICRS: 3.375

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Growing up with two gay fathers helped turn him off of umbrella drinks at an early age. To their dismay, he's taken to beer like Tina in an all-male prison. And not just any beer... cheap beer. Old-Style, Hams, Blatz, you name it... serve it up warm and watch him shine. After about ten beers or so he may look at you with these eyes that make you think he's staring at the back of your skull, but we're pretty confident he does that sober, so don't worry about it.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
He has slept on Horn's couch, used the upstairs bathroom, and eaten leftovers out of the fridge in the same weekend. This man is either partially blind or has a stomach made of stone. Or both.

Chug Ability:
* * *
We have yet to see him really chug full brews for speed, but he'll throw back a half beer penalty cup with ease so we expect he'll be above average with the chug. Then again, working at the nation's largest homosexually-held logistics company could be slowly chipping away at his man skills.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Have you ever seen Steven Seagal run? Have you ever seen McCheese squeeze into size-32 shorts? Have you ever heard Tina serenade a woman to "Can you feel the love tonight?" We have. And they're not pretty. We're betting you can add Two-Ply's quarter shot to this list.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
No newbie to this event, Two-Ply has been honing his skills for years in college while earning a degree in hair design. He probably won't blow the game wide open with five sinks in a row and he certainly won't be much of a threat for a trademark-Tina "off-the-ceiling-fan off-the-refrigerator" style sinker, but he does offer consistency. Look for that bastard to sneak a bounce shot past you when you least expect it. Then look for me to counter by giving him the finger.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
A newcomer to Beer Guy and so far we applaud his enthusiasm and effort. It was initially thought that he could carry on as the next big promoter of the game, until we realized that it sounds like he wants to give you a hot oil massage when he asks if you want to play a game of guy.

Flip Ability:
* * *
If you ask him he'll tell you he's money with the flip, but we don't think he fully appreciates the talent and years of experience that he's up against. In an event so competitive that a 95 lb female gets yelled at for 2-flipping (by another light-weight female), he'll be lucky to avoid the embarrassment of being singled out and ridiculed.

Intangibles:
* * *
Now we've all heard the criticisms: "Hey, he's not fat enough to stand a chance in this field" or "He's probably worked out in the last decade, isn't that cheating?" We don't think it will matter one way or the other. In our eyes, he's still just a promising rookie. We expect the Beer Olympics to be a firm lesson in humility for the young lass. He's looking forward to competing, but the whole experience will likely bring back awkward memories of standing naked in the men's locker room as a small child. He's just a boy among men.

ICRS: Terminator

Name: Terminator
Age: 25
Height: 6'2"
Preferred Drink: Polish Vodka
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
An android killing machine sent from the future to save all man kind, how much do you think that thing can drink? OK, now double it.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
This guy worked at Kam's for 2 years and cleaned both men's and women's bathrooms. You think this guy doesn't have an iron stomach? Think again.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
When getting ready to play taps, Terminator likes to rip his shirt off and cut a slash across his chest yelling, "I see you drinking that beer, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine! " Ok, we get it, you're good at this, no need to be so intense.

Quarter Skills:
* *
When playing the shoulder punch game he completely missed and hit his competitor in the face. If you have that little control over your own hands, how can you expect to put a quarter into a shot glass?

Pong Ability:
* * *
A leisurely game of front yard catch nearly turned into Murder Death Kill when he completely missed the cut off man and instead jacked a girl in the face with a league ball. Based on this, you might get knocked unconcious with a pong ball in this event, but rest assured it isn't going anywhere near the cup.

Beer Die/Guy:
*
We don't have a lot of research on him. Before his first game, someone lit a cigarette too close to him. Yelling, "Fire Bad!", he smashed the table, chugged everyone's beers, and ate the die. That might have won him the game that night, but this time we have backup tables and dice.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
From the previous ratings you might think Terminator has no control over his body whatsoever, and you'd be right. However when it comes to taps, his CPU nueral net processer is hard wired for the sole task of flipping. When he gets a hold of a 16 oz. Solo cup, consider yourself terminated.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Wish you had a real life Arnold soundboard? Need holes punched in your wall using nothing but your fist? How about frightening small children with a profanity laced ode to red meat? This guy is your first round draft pick for all of the above, but when it comes to games of finesse he's more suited to crush the game piece into a fine powder than to properly execute. The big X factor here is that the majority of games are chug and flip which are his specialty. And if I haven't mentioned it yet, he can walk through a wall.

ICRS: Jones

Name: Jones
Age: 26
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Hawkeye Vodka
Training Grounds: Iowa City
Overall ICRS: 2.95

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* *
Technically he's an overweight, ex-football playing, Iowa grad who now resides in America's Playground. ...Yet further evidence that you can't judge a book by its cover. While this may sound like an ideal pick-up for your drinking team, we want to clear up any myths that he started right now. This guy cannot drink. Medically, we're not sure why. But his tolerance is on par with most newborn infants. We expect his mother to go higher up in the draft order.

Boot Factor:
*
It is rare that a single player accumulates such impressive statistics over a drinking career, but Jones holds a lifetime .500 vomiting average when visiting friends out of state. A Jones vomit is similar to asking McCheese if he's hungry: it's just assumed. And despite his pudgy exterior, underneath the inner-tube of a waistline must be some actual muscle because he can project his lunch, breakfast, or dinner distances up to 15 feet.

Chug Ability:
* * * (on the way down) / * * * * (on the way back up)
On the first beer or two Jones can chug as well as the next guy. There's a noticeable drop off after that. What's much more impressive is his reverse-chug.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
His chubby fingers make it difficult to grab and control a quarter. His protrusive gut makes it difficult for him to see his feet. (That doesn't have anything to do with this event, but it's still true) Look for him to spend more time formulating excuses than sinking the shot glass.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Naturally uncoordinated, this is not his best event either. A good partner will keep an eye out for his throws landing in their own cups. At this point, we can only hope he doesn't break out his left-handed "hook" shot. But his ugly form may be enough to distract the opposition or get them laughing so hard they can't aim.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
Jones is the last person to admit when he's outmatched, but he's no stranger to the game of guy. Enough so that he's countless lessons in humility should be plenty for him to gracefully bow out of this event. ...and run for the hills.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Considering the amount of trash he will talk during the course of this event, Jones would like everyone to believe he flips cups for a living. But this obviously isn't the case as that would mean he has a job. In his defense, he does have the skills to land a cup on occasion (supposing the wind isn't too strong, the sun isn't in his eye, his hand isn't broken, he's not on medication, and he isn't laughing too hard from his performance in the last round).

Intangibles:
* * * *
His confidence is unmatched and so are his socks. He'll walk into each and every event "knowing" he has a shot at victory, regardless of whether or not reality agrees with him. We're not expecting much from this broken-down competitor, but look for an him to give the ladies a run for their money and perhaps even brief moments of manhood will peak through.

Halloween Around the Nation

Yay! People sent in their drunken Halloween pictures from around the nation. Unfortunately few of you sent me a good story about your night, so I'm just making most of these up. See if you can guess which stories are actually real.

CHAMPAIGN
Animal and Dawg from Team Undergrad put on a strong showing with Mario and Luigi costumes. Their goal was to become invincible with some Star Power, but when they failed to get drunk enough to break floating bricks in the air, their dream was shattered.

At least Luigi was able to pick up this smoking pregnant chick. When asked how she reacted to the news she replied, "I was so surprised!" Also let it be noted that Kam's turned up in these pictures. Based on past experience, I'm guessing that at least one hookup was ruined when a girl fell into the thin layer of Kam's scum. Quote drunk guy dressed as devil, "Ew, not going home with you tonite."

SCARY-OKE
What are these costumes? Here's my guess. Sexy Rainbow Bright, Sexy Evil Chick, Sexy Red Riding Hood, Ms. Orgasm Doctor. The Dr. proves that even people in McCheese's imaginary profession don't want to be with him.

The night sounds really fun. All was going well until McGee tried to give a rousing rendition of "It's Raining Men". At that point two transvestites came on stage and tried to grope her. That cued the group to leave for Nown's party, but not before McGee remarked, "You know we shouldn't have left. Those trannies were really nice. I could have scored!"

They picked up Foxy Cleopatra there. Her pic is posted purely for hair comparison to Tina's. Tina Simmons wins.

NEW YORK
This guy tried to go as Peyton Manning, but something was slightly off with his costume.

FIZZ
Trifecta continued his random tradition of boycotting Halloween. Why even go out, you ask? Trifecta needs alcohol to function. Much as you and I may hate Canadien Boxing day, we still eat on that day.

Nothing better than getting a 3 am phone call and recapping the night, but not when the call comes in and someone says, "Chairman you need to help us. The pirate took shotgun, has locked the window between front and back, and is biting the cab driver. You need to tell him to drink water from now on." Then muffled yelling and "Oh fuck, don't do that!" Then a hang up.

First off don't ever let a pirate into shotgun. Second, if someone is biting the driver of the cab that you are in don't worry about making that person drink water. Worry about stopping him from biting the fucking cab driver. All turned out well though, as the parties involved are still alive.

Happy Halloween!

Beer Olympics Field Set -- Registration Officially Closed

With payment received from Team Cornfield, the field has been set for the Beer Olympics. We still need one girl for Team Rag Tag and one team is still yet to pay, but for all intents and purposes we are ready to battle.

Full teams can be viewed on the Team Power Rankings Page.

Begin nominating your captains. They'll have the responsibility of setting your roster and resolving any disputes.

Good luck to everyone!