Beer Glory

Final

2006-11-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

More to come...

Last Minute Items

2006-11-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

Couple last minute things...

1.) Make sure you are there on time tomorrow. The first event, which is a team event begins promptly at 2pm. I suggest arriving at Horn Champion Arena around 1 or 1:30. If your team is not ready to participate at 2pm, you are going to forfeit that event. That would suck.

2.) We are over budget. Appearantly $50 a team was a gross underestimation of how much it takes to hold this event. We did our best to control costs, but discounts for bulk food and drink purchase weren't as easy to come by as we had hoped. It is our hope that every competitor can throw in an additional $5 on the day of the event. Chairman M and Horn will still be in the hole, but signifigantly less so.

3.) If you don't want to be listening to Shower Mix 2 on repeat for eight hours I suggest you bring a couple burnt CDs or your Ipod. Otherwise be prepared to jam to "Barbie Girl" at least thirty times.

We Have a Logo!

2006-11-22T12:20:00.000-08:00

Next time you see Beer Girl, give this guy a giant hug (man hug if male). I don't know how long it took him design it, but... I mean it's beautiful.

Actually Something Serious

2006-11-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

Let's momentarily break from dehumanizing competitors to address the issue of drunk driving. Here's our stance on it. Don't do it. It's retarded.

If you are participating in the Beer Olympics or are just an over served spectator you should plan on an alternative mode of getting home. No one needs to get a DUI (loss of license for one year), get into an accident, or kill anyone. And if you don't think drinking and driving leads to these things you are retarded. Thanksgiving weekend is one of the biggest times for alcohol related fatalities to occur on the road. Don't be one of them.

So know going in to the competition that you won't be driving home and plan for it. Here are your three options.

1.) Get a cab. Visit www.yellowpages.com and see the listing of over 25 cab companies serving the area. Being near O'hare certainly has its advantages. You can take that directly home or if you don't want to take it into the city, there is a blue line stop that is a five minute cab ride from Horn Champions Stadium.

2.) Get a designated driver. If you can't afford a cab, then you are stuck looking for friends that won't drink so they can safely get you from point A to point B.

3.) Crash at Horn Champions Stadium. He's not going to be happy about it, but the arena offers six couches and over 2,000 square feet of flat indoor surface to pass out on. If all else fails, just lay down. You can figure out how to get home in the morning.

On a day when most competitors will have trouble walking, don't think that you'll be able to drive. Plan ahead and the only thing you'll have to worry about is how much it's going to hurt to do the wheelbarrow after ten beers.

ICRS: Chairman Horn

2006-11-21T16:15:00.000-08:00

Name: Chairman Horn
Age: 25
Height: 5’ 9"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Chairman Horn lives with Tina, McCheese, and Papa. The fact that not one of them has been murdered in a homicidal rage demonstrates Horn’s exceptional tolerance. But beer? Yeah that guy can’t drink worth shit.

On his last birthday he had what Doctor M, after six beers, described as, “Yeah, you probably have a brain aneurism. Too bad you couldn’t finish this bar crawl before dying.” And then he didn’t die. If you are going to stop a bar crawl due to physical trauma, you damn well better die. That’s just embarrassing.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Chairman Horn avoids a boot, no matter how strategic, as he lacks the ability to recover well. Wiping a drool covered chin and pointing out just how red he got his eyes is typical before he announces “this is gay” and passes out. Look for him to avoid this game ending scenario at all costs.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
Horn’s chug speed is largely dependent on how much pride is involved in the game. Sure he’ll try and beat a dude, but put a chick against him and really watch him shine. This is defined by the formula: how attractive + breast size + hookupability – times made out with Tina. The higher this factor, the higher his chug speed, as defined by the graph below:

Quarter Skills:
* * * * *
Forget asking whether this game is beneath him, it is. He plays this in his sleep, but what will surely lead to disaster for his team is who he targets. It’s unappealing to lower himself to pick off skill-less girls or rookie boys. He’s going after his typical arch nemesis, McCheese, who unfortunately is on his team. Why? “That guy’s an asshole.”

Pong Ability:
* * * * *
When I think of athletes, I think of launching round objects through the air. Horn thinks of groping other men. But those who laugh at this won’t laugh long. His high school wrestling days paid off, because Horn is one of the best at cupping balls.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * * *
Physical activity, sharp mental skills, and mass drinking are crucial in the game that he was integral in building. If you’ve read the rest of this none of those leap off the page as Horn’s strong suits. But don’t be fooled - he holds the sink record on every table he’s consistently played. We can argue he just loves being on his back, but we’ll have to do it while hoping we don’t spit biz and trying to remember how many times he’s scored.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Were this his major he’d have graduated in less than three years. Ironic since it’s exactly what kept him there five. They say Horn learned his technique in Catholic grade school when a Deacon showed him, then asked him to turn around so he could show him the technique in more depth.

His position is captain and anchor in nearly every competition, and the only thing that will move him from it is the prospect of closer proximity to a drunk coed. The other reason this may be is that chugging his one finger pour against girls looks less embarrassing. Fill him a full boat and he’ll choke worse than Toby on Sizlak. Lucky for him there’s a limit on pours and his heaven sent technique should allow him to tear through the competition.

Intangibles:
* * *
Horn’s good deeds just don’t seem to end. Known not only for hosting the Beer Olympics, he’s also founded the “Make Old People Shovel Your Driveway” club, helped out his local Salvation Army by accepting any and all used couches, and weekly sponsors a “Who The Hell Ate My _____” symposium outside his fridge. Horn will be a solid competitor despite flagrantly charging toward incontinence the whole day.

ICRS: Chairman M (Horn Version)

2006-11-20T05:54:00.000-08:00

Name: Chairman M
Age: 25
Height: 6' 4"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Champaign

Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitor Score

Tolerance:

* * * *

On one hand, the Chairman is a seasoned beer drinker who still returns to his college frat house to celebrate non-existent party holidays like "Unofficial St. Patty's Day." On the other hand, he graduated with a poetry major and recently designed a "baseball tee" as casual wear for men on Sundays. The potential is certainly there, but he'll have to "straighten" up a bit for the games if he's going to be ready for a few beers.

Boot Factor:

* * * *

As with most experienced drinkers, he's no stranger to the reverse chug. However this has been less of an issue in recent years since his drinking is often limited between trips to the Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond. But history never forgets, and we can't help but recall events like his 21st birthday where he displayed a stomach as solid as McCheese's abs.

Chug Ability:

* * *

They say slow and steady wins the race. But everyone knows that's just something McCheese's mother made up to keep him involved in youth sports. Besides, try telling that to Captain Ron as he inhales 36 ounces of beer as a warm-up before kicking the Chairman's ass in the beer chugging event. With his team sorely lacking a fat chug beast, this could be the area that makes or breaks the Chairman's Olympic dream.

Quarter Skills:

* * * * *

Baby Bird would likely be a superior draft pick if she spent as much time practicing as he does, but sadly she spends all of her free time making substantially more money than her husband. This also possibly explains why he'll lick an ashtray or drink urine for $10 and once tried to get hit by a passing jet ski so that he could sue for damages. But no matter how pathetic that may be, he's still a pretty damn good shot with a quarter.

Pong Ability:

* * * * *

I've seen this man fight a urinal because it was a Packer's fan. I've watched him knock himself unconscious on the corner of a "poorly-placed" cabinet. I've even seen him start a civilization between cars in a SIU parking lot with nothing but some beer, a slice of week-old pizza, and some donuts. But what I haven't seen is the Chairman having a bad round of Beer Pong. He's just as dangerous on the final cup as he is on the first.

Beer Die/Guy Rating:

* * * *

Once the backbone of team U of I, his spirits were crushed at the first Championship Tournament where team U of I suffered the first and only perfect game loss recorded to date. (For the record, that means the opposing team didn't even have to take a sip of beer) If he re-enters the arena he'll likely feel like he was just kicked in the balls and left for dead. And this time it won't be his wife doing it to him.

Flip Ability:

* * * *

Consistency is the name of his game. He's not going to blow you out of starting gates with his chug and probably won't wow you with last second pressure flips. But he will consistently 1-2 flip all night long until the rest of the racers get bored of watching. So how do you get him off his game? You don't. He does this in his sleep. But Baby Bird can and usually does. My personal favorite is when she distracts him by picking a fight with a group of knife-wielding Mexicans: "My husband hates landscaping and can kick your ass..."

Intangibles:

* * * * *

You wouldn't expect much from an out-of-shape poetry major. In fact, you would question his heterosexuality if he dressed a little nicer. But unlike Tina, he isn't nominating himself for Physical Specimen of the Year. His value to his team has far greater reach than sheer beer-guzzling prowess. This man brings leadership to the table. He single-handedly brought his gay fraternity up from "total loser" status to their newly-acquired "hey, these guy are a bunch of dorks but at least they drink" level. He is also credited with starting one of the most glorious annual events in the beer gaming universe: the Beer Olympics. And he couples these leadership qualities with an astute drinking intelligence.

As the son of an evil genius, he has a mental edge over all who play against him. His intellectual accolades include such works as developing the infamous "3 Pump" sex definition and the "Two Shakes - No More" urinal masturbation theory. His success is often attributed to his equally inventive father (The Roy) who wowed the world with ground-breaking experiments like "Why you should mop the floor with Coca-Cola", "How to fix your Volkswagen with duct tape and fish-tank tubing," and "I bet you could kill a man with this bottle of cheese whiz."

Why They'll Take the Roscoe Alexander Trophy

2006-11-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

Chairman Horn was kind enough to sit down Barry Melrose style and break down these teams into pretenders and contenders. In typical Horn fashion he chose to build up before breaking down.

Team Delicious

Why They'll Win:
Nobody will show up more prepared than the Chairman's team. It's almost as if the rules of the competition were tailored specifically for him (hmm... makes you wonder?). And unless it has abandoned Tina recently, luck will almost certainly be on their side.

Why They Won't:
They are sorely lacking a Fat Chug Beast to carry the drinking load. Sure, the Chairman is a fat beast but he can't chug to save his life. If that weren't enough, they'll also need to pick up the slack while the fragile-stomached Tina spends most of his free time bent over by the bushes. Building a team with three female drinkers was a big gamble.

Team Englewood Jack

Why They'll Win:
Look under the ideal Beer Olympics Team and all they are missing is the female chug best. They also practice more than anybody on the planet, not having left their living room in the past few years. On paper they may have the strongest team in the competition.

Why They Won't:
This event is being held at Chairman Horn's house so you can expect he'll be distracted by drunk people causing trouble. "Put a coaster under that!", "Don't put that cup so close to the edge!" and "Please don't crap in my living room." And a late female substitution could cause some uncertainty for them in the team events.

Team Undergrad

Why They'll Win:
Youth is on their side. Every team member has a fully functional liver and kidneys which is a combo that's nearly unheard of in the rest of the field. And don't think for a second that their rookie status is going to affect their confidence. Sammy Sosa has low self-esteem issues next to these guys.

Why They Won't:
Inexperience is a bitch, and over-confidence in a field of your older brother's buddies isn't going to make surviving easy on them. They're going to go down hard, and I, for one, hope it gets well documented.

Team Old Champaign

Why They'll Win:
They may be pound-for-pound the largest team in the running and they have tolerances to match. We foresee them pushing for full boats every chance they get, and that could give them an edge in the later rounds.

Why They Won't:
That's an edge they're sorely going to need. If alcohol doesn't inhibit every other team in the tournament, they're in a lot of trouble. They can drink just fine, but they're simply outmatched in skill and coordination events. Ironically, they're usually too drunk to realize it.

Team Beer Muscles

Why They'll Win:
Several team members hail for central Indiana, which means they drink daily to avoid the realization that their normal lives are more boring than a John Cusack film.

Why They Won't:
The following events were not included in this year's competition: The Tractor Pull, Ride-the-Goat, and Milk 3 Cows.

Team Poop

Why They'll Win:
Do I really have to come up with something for this category? They're not going to win. Everybody knows it? Ok, fine. Papa has entered two relatively unknown male competitors into the games which offers the possibility that they could be really good at cheating and pull off a win if no one is sober enough to catch them.

Why They Won't:
This group of talentless a**clowns must have been assembled in a drunken haze. Obviously someone mistook Papa for Will Purdue and figured he could sink a few cups in pong or do something else worthwhile. I assure you this is not the case. Aside from sharing his rugged good looks, Papa has nothing on W.P.

Team Sizlak

Why They'll Win:
This group compliments each other perfectly like an Olympic bobsled team. Sammy brings an enthusiasm to the team that can only be classified as border-line creepy, while the Professor compensates for this by being generally disinterested. Sizlak loves winning but has little talent. Sammy has some skills but usually no idea what's going on or where he is. The other two are really the glue that keeps the whole team together ...and Sammy and Sizlak out of jail.

Why They Won't:
Problem #1: Sizlak is their team captain. So they picked the blind guy to steer the bobsled. Plus, we can't help but feel the Professor is a little too well-mannered to slam a beer down and throw a table across the yard.

Team Rag Tag

Why They'll Win:
For a team of friendless misfits, this group has a lot of talent. Under Beergirl's expert tutelage they'll put in a strong showing. And even though they are new to each other, every player on that team has a long history of drinking victories under their respective belts. Of course, Goddo's belt has shrunk a few sizes since then.

Why They Won't:
Their most talented player has been out of drinking condition for the past few years. Their captain currently spends his Saturday nights babysitting his girlfriend's niece. The strongest female on their team thinks Beer Guy is someone that she made a pass at on Halloween but might possibly be getting that confused with Judy Barr Topinka.

Don't Fuck Up -- Points Already at Stake

2006-11-16T15:48:00.000-08:00

Those of you who don't have a lot of confidence might want to call or email your captain, because points are already at stake. In order to keep things organized and seeded properly all captains have been asked to fill out the Beer Olympics Player Declaration form by noon on Sunday, November 16. Failure to do so will result in a loss of four points.

Here are your captains:

Team Delicious: Chairman M
Team Englewood Jack: Chairman Horn
Team Poop: Papa
Team Sizlak: Sizlak
Team Old Champaign: Dr. Dre
Team Undergrad: Animal
Team Beer Muscles: Beerchugus Major
Team Rag Tag: Two-Ply

Team members of Teams Delicious, Englewood Jack, and Sizlak don't need to worry. Their forms are already completed.

Team Poop attempted to submit, but didn't quite understand the concept at hand. By the way I applaud team captain Papa for his quick acceptance of the new team name. I was sad to see his errors, but very pleased to see that the attachment came back as "Team Poop Player Declaration Form". Way to wear your team name with pride!

Beer Olympics Schedule

2006-11-16T15:44:00.000-08:00

Tina has been spreading the word about the schedule and I think he slightly confused some people. Here is the schedule:

2:00 Obstacle Course Prelims (2 heats, top 2 advance to championship)
2:30 Pong and Die Prelims (8 ---> 4, 4 games)
3:30 Table Game Prelims (2 heats, top 2 advance to championship)
---------------------------------------------------------------
4:00 Beer Blidfold Test
4:30 Pong and Die Finals
5:30 Chug 2 Beers
5:45 Beer Through a Straw
6:00 Quarters

PIZZA ARRIVES

6:45 Boat Racing
7:45 Drinking Memory
8:15 Table Game Finals
8:30 Obstacle Course Finals

Basically all that is happening is that we are doing the first round of the obstacle course and table game seperated by the first two rounds of pong and die. That way we don't have two hours of consecutive beer die. It just breaks it up better.

Yes this an ambitious schedule, but we'll make it. Questions? You know where to go.

Kyle Orton Watch -- Day Two: No email from Kyle.

Chairman Horn is Exhausted

2006-11-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

McCheese made a feeble attempt to write Chairman Horn's profile and the one thing he came back to again and again was that Horn hates people. Now I thought he was joking (not ha ha funny, more this is not true funny) but it turns out he was right. Horn hates every person in the human race. Yes, even you. He has a sick brain built for cutting people down.

But now he's exhausted. He has nothing left to give and can't push out any more profiles. I thought this was a good sign. Maybe he got all his anger out and will be open to meeting new people with a smile on his face. But that just didn't happen. Instead of losing his anger he just lost his ability to be creative with it. The last profile, which we can't publish simply read, "Fuck you. I hate you and plan to stab you with an ice pick." I mean that's just not funny. So we're giving him a rest so that he can study the breaks in the beer pong table and practice his chugging form.

In the meantime since people like McGee and my mom might cry if we didn't have daily updates to read, I've got some stuff for you.

Deemed too nice for the real profile, Horn has asked my original profile serve as a secondary one to the profile he just completed. I just posted this profile and you can view it here. Horn's meaner, more acurate profile of Chairman M will be posted sometime next week.

I need help with Horn's so if you know anything stupid that should be included send me an email or dump it into the comments section. Both of those will go up next week.

And since I've got nothing else, Tina sent me this today and it's about beer. It killed three minutes from my work day. Hopefully it does the same for you:

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

And finally......

Kyle Orton Watch -- Day One: No email from Kyle (we'll keep you posted)

Today I Invited Kyle Orton to the Beer Olympics

2006-11-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

Seriously. Maybe he'll come. Here's what I wrote to him:

"Kyle Orton
c/o Chicago Bears
Halas Hall
1000 Football Drive
Lake Forest, IL 60045

Dear Kyle Orton,

This is your official invitation to the Beer Olympics being held on Friday, November 24th.

Though you are a superstar football player you’re still young, and I’m guessing you can still throw one back. We have a range of competitors ages 21 to 25, so you’d fit right in. We need a Boilermaker rep since we have alumni from Illinois, Iowa, and Wisconsin competing. And I heard on a radio show you don’t know a lot of people in the area, so you probably have the time to come.

We currently have one spot open on one of the eight teams and we want you to fill it. According to the rules it needs to be filled by a girl, but we can make an exception for you. Besides nobody on that team knows each other so they’ll have the disadvantage of an initial lack of teamwork.

All the information you need is located at beerglory.blogspot.com, but I’ll give you the gist. Five competitors per team, two girls, three guys, participating in ten events. Members must participate in at least five but no more than six:

Beer Taste Test
Beer
Die
Beer Pong
Speed Quarters
Beer Memory
Table Game
Taps/Boat
racing/Flip Cup
Chug Two Beers
Chug through a Straw
Beer Obstacle
Course

We’re not a company or anyone trying to get publicity. We need another player and while watching the game this week, I figured what the hell, I’ll invite Kyle Orton.

Now maybe you think we’re crazy, and that’s probably true, but if you want to learn more about us you can visit the site and read the profiles. At that point you’ll know more about us than we know about you.

If you want any further information, like the location, you can send me an email. I don’t share our real names or the event location with anyone I don’t know. Most of us have real jobs and promoting the fact that you can chug two beers the fastest isn’t exactly the way to the top. We’ll offer you the same anonymity.

Let me know if you are interested in participating or just stopping by.

Sincerely,

Chairman M"

If he does come. He better watch his ass. My family eats Bears quarterbacks alive. My dad picked off Mike Tomczak in a flag football game. Beware Kyle, I will do the same to you in Beer Pong.

Mendoza is Disgruntled

2006-11-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

Mendoza is pissed off. We don't know why, but she is. My theory is that she is psyching herself up for the Olympics a wee bit early. At this rate you better not screw with her on the 24th or she'll put a fist through your chest. Here's what she has to say:

"After reading the beer blog today, I was thinking that perhaps an age requirement should have been instated. No self respecting college graduate, nay- college student past their freshman year calls boat racing "flippy/flip cup." "Flippy cup" is left to those big-boob, airhead, h.s/college girls that played that game "only once", or so they say, and still have to be reminded of the rules. These youngn's and their lack of respect for the sport leaves me suspicious about their seriousness to play and ability to compete. Their girly-like demeanors have been exposed and I do not doubt their feeble tolerance will only leave us hoping they remember to clean up their puke."

Now I think what Mendoza is advocating is a big boobed bimbo ban not an age requirement.

Chairman Horn and I have discussed this extensively. While we are fierce opponents of the term "flippy cup", coming out of the mouth of a big boobed bimbo it sounds really cute and is actually pretty charming. Therefore we do not support the bimbo ban.

I would also like to point out that this further proves that girls hate other girls, even hypothetical ones that may or may not exist. If such rage can exist against imaginary women its a wonder that the WNBA can succeed, what with the requirement that five women have to work together at the same time. Actually this makes perfect sense. The only time women will work together is when they are working to defeat, harm, one up, or destroy another group of women. And they say men are competitive.

ICRS: Mr. Peepers

2006-11-13T16:02:00.000-08:00

Name: Mr. Peepers
Age: 21
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Pete's Wicked Ale
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
One day he'll be a man, grow some chest hair, and be able to drink more than two beers without becoming woozy. That day is not today.

Boot Factor:
* *
Last year, I thought I'd be a nice brother and get him what he wanted for his birthday, a bottle of Captain Morgan. Five hours later I got a present in the form of a late night phone call.

"Your brother's really sick. He's puking and pooping at the same time."
"Is he still wearing pants?"
"No, he's in the bathroom right now. What does that matter?"
"Shitting in your pants sucks. He'll live. Good night."

He's smart enough to take his pants off before pooping. Are you listening Trifecta? Since it's only beer, I don't expect a repeat performance.

Chug Ability:
* * *
He's an accounting major so I'll put this in terms he can understand using a simple equation:
Mr Peeper's Chug Time >>> His sister's Chug Time.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Quarters requires you have at least fifty cents in change. Since every occasion it's time to buy beer, he's completely out of money, I can only assume he's never been able to play this game.

Pong Ability:
* * * * *
This is his event. Playing at his apartment on a door, brought back good memories, and revitalized the sport amongst us older competitors. He's a good shot and is nearly impossible to sneak a bounce by. That being said, I'm his older brother and therefore I still dominate him.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
While still in high school he was foolishly considering attending IU, a place even rats and cockaroaches don't want to hang out. We brought him to U of I, fed him tacos, gave him some margaritas, and forced him to play several games of Beer Die. He can't catch worth a damn, but the fact it played a signfigant role in his college choice has to count for something.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Let's get this straight, Mr. Peepers is not good at sports. He runs like a girl, jumps like a woman, and if he has to throw something more than 20 feet, there's a real risk that his arm may snap in two. But his flip is a work of art. You might think for a moment that he is a real man. That is until he celebrates with wild slapping and high pitched squeals of joy.

Intangibles:
* * *
He's taunted Packers fans in Green Bay, trash talked a 400 lb. man, and even regularly eaten at Bamba. If that doesn't show courage, I don't know what does. What he could use more of is actual drinking ability, a trait he is sorely lacking. Sure he'll dive into walls for errant dice, drink an extra four beers for the team, or sacrafice his body to block a pong ball, but eventually courage will turn to shame when he wakes up with his clothes on the rooftop and "WOMAN" written on his forehead.

Counter-Point: Beer Die vs. Beer Guy

2006-11-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

The Story as Seen from the SideSober Enough to Remember

For those of you that were under the impression that Chairman M's recent post was a factual history of the game of Beer Guy, I'd like to apologize to you. What you just read would be better classified as amateur science fiction or fantasy. Seeing as we can't have a large group of potential guy advocates walking around believing any of that crap, I thought I'd take a moment right now to clear up any confusion onthe subject that the Chairman may have caused.

I'm not sure if it's an undeserved sense of accomplishment or the alcohol that's clouding his memory here, but the real tale of Beer Guy dates back to the summer of '00. It was then that we first got addicted to the game of Guy in a small Wisconsin cabin, similar to what the Chairman described. This, however, was not the first time that all of us had seen the game.

To several of us, the game dates back a few more months to a party in Milwaukee where we watched two of our lacrosse team captains annihilate an opposing team who looked like they were about to pass out on themselves between each throw. From that moment, my interest was officially piqued. I was informed from them that the game was "Beer Guy" (or at least, at my level of intoxication, that's how I understood it). By the time we revisited the game at the cabin (months later), it was emotionally too late for me to make any adjustments to the name.(In the same way that I will never call Boat Racing "Taps" or "Flippy Cup.")

As the story goes, the older guys broke out the table and asked if Chairman M and myself would like to play them in a drinking game. Chairman M was sheepishly worried that he was too full from his 6" sub to play and his fragile girl stomach would not be able to handle a lot of beer, when I informed him that I had seen the game before and itusually only makes you drink about 2-3 beers. Call it how you see it, but on the whole that statement is not far from the truth.

After the opening throw sank the Chairman's cup and he spit biz, we knew this game would be an unfortunate exception. Two throws later, they sank our cup again. Luckily for our team, I fearlessly spit a "2" to keep the drinking requirements within reach. Slowly we mounted a comeback and put in a strong showing in our first game. But over time, the beer took its toll.

Later on, I fell into what experts refer to as a "Biz-a-thon" where every other word out of my mouth was a horrific "Five" or "Seven." Since the drinking penalties were hurting us more and more as we went on, this made the Chairman and myself extremely nervous. He reprimanded me for my carelessness and play continued. Not 20 seconds later I fell into an extremely obvious "biz-trap" and as I looked over to apologize to my teammate I was met with a flying man-slap to the face. That's right, the Chairman five-starred me across the cheek in our very first game of Guy. Knowing what I had done, my only response was to hold my head in shame and attempt to drink both penalties as penance.

We were obviously hooked on the game. Any game that can take me from"full" to "uncontrollably drunk" in that small of a time frame is likely to get a good endorsement. After the weekend was over, the Chairman and I went back to our respective colleges to spread the good word of whatwe had seen. It was then that the Chairman taught and tried to develop the game he calls "Beer Die" to a small group of socially and athletically-handicapped nerds. I too spread the game, with the help of a few others like McCheese (who was also familiar with the MU lacrosse version) to a large group of "Beeratheletes" in Milwaukee. It was here that the two games started down very different paths.

The Chairman ended up padding all the rules to make the drinking penalties more tolerable so his frat sisters could continue playing with Wine Coolers and watered-down juice drinks. The Milwaukee version went through a different sort of transformation.

As the game spread with ease and players joined in from schools around the Midwest, it became obvious that we were becoming too good at the game. Through the years the basic rules needed to be adjusted to compensate for the growing pool of talented players. The rules were stiffened for maximum drinking and obstacles were added to make catching more challenging. But that's what any good sport does, it evolves overtime. If they didn't evolve, you would still see pro football players running around with leather caps and no face masks. Hockey players wouldn't wear helmets at all. And basketball would have a lot more goofy-looking white guys.

So that's the background of the two games, but what should be made a little more clear is that there really isn't any debate over the name of the game any more. As the Chairman admitted, Team MU and Team U of I met at Southern Illinois and faced off over naming rights. Later on, these two powerhouses met again, this time on U of I's home turf. In the opening game, the MU team shutout Team U of I in the first and only"perfect game" recorded to date. It's about time these Champaign boys just face up to the fact that the debate has been settled. Until they prove they know a thing or two about the game, it's not theirs to name. And if they need the topic settled one last time for closure, Team MUwill be happy to oblige come Olympic Day.

Posted by Chairman Horn

Divergence of Beer Die vs. Beer Guy

2006-11-10T15:53:00.000-08:00

I'm often asked why the hell do we Champaignites and the rest of the world call Beer Die, Beer Die while Marquetteites refer to it as Beer Guy. The divergence of Die vs. Guy has a long and storied past and requires a worthwhile explanation.

In the summer of 2003 Chairman Horn and I spent a weekend in Wisconsin fishing, jetskiing, and general hanging out. Soon it became appearant that it was time for drinking games to begin.

"Who wants to play Beer Die?" An older friend said. Note that I put Die in italics because that is what he said.

"Hey sounds good." I replied. Not knowing anything about this game and fearing the fullness that a delicious 12" Cousins sub had provided, I asked my partner Chairman Horn, "How much beer do you have to drink in this game? I'm pretty full."

Also full from his standard 18" of sandwhich (note: I think he's compensating for something) he replied confidently, "Don't worry, I've seen people play this before. It's a one to two beer event. Three, tops."

After the rules of Beer Die were laid out to us we proceeded to warm up. The first throw went to the other team and they proceeded to sink us. Then I spit biz. We got one throw and were sunk again. Horn spit two, but the damage had been done. We were addicted.

Like Christ's apostles we were sent forth to spread the gosple to our respective campuses, but little did I know that in a moment of deafness Horn had heard our mentors say, "Who wants to play Beer Guy?"

I went to Champaign and we slightly adjusted some rules, writing under the table rather than on it. Horn went to Milwaukee and slightly adjusted some rules, changing the height to what some consider a drastic level. For the most part Beer Die was played regularly and remained intact at both campuses, so when I returned to Milwaukee and opened the door to find a foam board, four milk crates, and precariously perched cups at the four corners I knew it was on. Everything was going great until Horn asked the question , "Are the guys in Champaign as good at Beer Guy as we are here?"

"What the hell is Beer Guy?"
"This game."
"No it's called Beer Die. You're retarded."
"Beer Guy. Look we got a sticker that says Beer Guy and put it on our mini fridge."

Unable to defeat this logic and probably celebrating yet another sink on McCheese (look it's my story. I can tell it how I want to.) I let the subject go.

As time went on, Champaign remained a bastion of purity for the game of Beer Die, while Milwaukee mutated its freakish game of Beer Guy into a grotesque character of its former self. Pads were added to the playing surface. Then cans. Then you could drink the cans to make them go away. The throw height went even higher. Cup-catch meant nothing and scoring points also equaled a drink. Some guy wore kneepads. A rule was added to force players to disrobe. The popular clevage catch was added and crotch catch experimented with. By the time the Beer Guy/ Beer Die debate reached its apex Beer Guy was no longer recongnizable as Beer Die.

Unaware of just how much the rules had changed in one year, team U of I foolishly agreed to play for the naming rights under the rules of Marquette Beer Die. Trifecta was deemed unable to perform and a weakend U of I team was forced to take the table. Several controversial plays led to an eventual Buzz to Biz win. From this point further team U of I will always be forced to call Beer Die, Beer Guy, on the campus of Southern Illinois University. But no where else.

Because the evidence is outstanding. If you want to find a beer game where you throw a die across a table and attempt to catch it, the game is called Beer Die. See here, here, and here, among many other places. If you look up Beer Guy, you aren't going to find a game, you're going to find this guy.

Case dismissed.

ICRS: Animal

2006-11-09T16:09:00.000-08:00

Name: Animal
Age: 21
Height: 5' 8"
Preferred Drink: Cranberry Vodka
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.5

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
She's got experience having already participated in a similar event, but I don't know if it's anything to brag about, "I participated in the Shot Olympics at Western and I think I might have won. Afterwards I fell down two flights of stairs and passed out in a field for an hour." Ummm...sweet. Maybe you might want to register for a different competition.

Boot Factor:
* * *
She's no Jones, but I'm concerned. When asked about some shameful experiences for her profile, both included the phrase "And then I threw up." Not a good sign.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
Color me impressed. Imagine McCheese eating a plate of blueberry pancakes, except instead of pancakes it's beer and the process is infinitely cleaner.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Based on the above experience with shot glasses, I'm guessing she'll just shake looking at one. Seeing as it's a key game piece in Speed Quarters, that could hurt the team. Of course maybe violent shaking and screaming will be an effective technique. It seems to work for Tina.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Is thinking you are awesome good enough to earn a high pong rating? No. But if it was Animal would have five stars. She's a solid competitor, but not going to earn any friends by saying things like, "I'll play with my eyes closed." or "Here, you only need to hit one of our cups to win."

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
Animal used to be a softball all-star, proving she's got the hand eye coordination to catch and throw. Unfortunately 8th grade softball is played sober, so after adding alcohol to the mix, it's difficult to see how those skills will transfer. My guess is that some will be lost in translation, but you'll see enough shine through to consider her a decent competitor.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
She excels at the flip but like Baby Bird, her strength is in negative reinforcement. We are actually concerned these two teams will have to go head to head at some point. Animal and Baby Bird will have no problem chugging and flipping in under a second, but the game will never end since both their teams will be sobbing in a corner from the "encouragement" they received.

Intangibles:
* * * *
I've got to assume she's the captain of this team, since she's the only one on the team I can see walking after three events. Mr. Peepers isn't going to carry the load, and I can't imagine her 90 lb friend causing too much of a ruckus either. Maybe the pressure will get to her, but I'm guessing that she'll just get alcohol poisoning and pass out on the lawn.

ICRS: Captain Ron

2006-11-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

Name: Captain Ron
Age: 25
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Anything Alcoholic
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.625

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Captain Ron is what is known as a Devolving Drunk. You can actually see the evolution of man working in reverse. You may think that stripping to boxers and walking on all fours is a drinking disadvantage, but throwing off the shackles of Homo Erectus is where Ron really hits his drinking stride.

Boot Factor:
* *
Captain Ron is a human garbage disposal. In a place where it's risky enough to drink the beer (Kam's) he willingly chugged a pitcher of blended duck eggs, squid, and God knows what else. No matter what you've got he'll get it down, the caveat being that once it's down it's probably coming back up. Don't be shocked to see Ron make a mess. He's the guy who once opined, "If you throw up into your hand and throw it on the ground, you won't have to leave the taps table."

Chug Ability:
* * * * *
Ron in his prime could have beat McCheese in his. He's that good. Sadly, this matchup never occurred. They'll compete now, but it's like old Jordan vs. old Bird. Sure you'll see flashes of brilliance, but it just isn't the same. (Chairman Horn Edit: This Ron beating McCheese in a chug is purely hypothetical. Opinion, not fact.)

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
Ron's good at quarters, and since there's no better place to add this…Ron creates destruction. Whether it's cookies, guacamole, or a cup of someone else's urine, when Ron's drunk and you notice a substance you don't want on you, here's two simple words to remember. Get. Away.

Pong Ability:
* *
"Did I ever tell you about how I played basketball in the seventh grade…" Yeah. About a million times. And if you ever hit the hook shot after you tell that story or your knee didn't always suddenly and randomly collapse, I'd have more confidence in your Pong abilities.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
"I play like a mantis." I have no idea what he means, but Captain Ron's a pretty solid competitor. He knows how to throw. He knows how to catch. And if you sink him he'll have finished his beer, spit biz, and finished another before you're done writing your name underneath the table. Way to take the fun out of the game, asshole.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
As a five year old, Ron looked forward to the times he had the flu and could take his Robitussin and flip the tiny cup. If taps were a Division 1-A sport, he wouldn't have paid a dime for college.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Did you know there are aliens amongst us or that man never really landed on the moon? Captain Ron does. Ron stays up to date with all the leading theories of pseudo-science. Right now he's working on how to chug a beer and pants you simultaneously using only his mind. Should be perfected by November 24th.

This Guy Needs a Team

2006-11-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

Chuck Shepard's News of the Weird, a good way to lose an hour reading bizarre stories, reports here that some team might think about upgrading with this guy.

"In September, police in Madison, Wis., said Milo G. Chamberlain's blood-alcohol content was .425, which experts said normally is attainable only by those either dead or in a coma, but he was picked up, quite conscious, allegedly causing a disturbance at a Marathon gas station, where he reportedly got into a fight with a gas pump before being restrained by passersby. Police said Chamberlain responded to each of their questions only by rattling off strings of numbers of no particular pattern. [Capital Times (Madison), 9-23-06]"

I once had to put a refrigerator in its place for talking shit to me. I feel like this guy and I could be close friends.

ICRS: Silver Bullet

2006-11-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

Name: Silver Bullet
Age: Age predates birth certificates, best guess based on appearance...504
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Mead
Training Grounds: Troy
Overall ICRS: 2.875

Individual Competitive Score

First things first... you're all lucky that this is a drinking competition and not a beauty pageant. Can you say "Game Over?"

Tolerance:
* * *
This guy was around when they invented beer. Of course back then they simply called it "breakfast." In fact, he originally considered starting his own brewery before deciding that strategically shipping beer all over the world was his true calling. Let it be known that you can only spend so much cash on furnishing your house and taking vacations. Eventually you just sit down and get drunk.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Old people don't boot. It's just wrong. We're not 100% sure at what age you make that transition, but once you have gray hair, false teeth, and a 1960's ice cream parlor in your basement... we're pretty confident you're there.

Chug Ability:
* * *
His wife is the true heavy-hitter of the family. She can throw back a glass of champagne before the cork hits the floor. But like most women, her tolerance limits her from true glory. That's where the Silver Bullet steps in with a sixer of Special Ex, a goofy grin on his face, and calmly says "Let's do this." And it doesn't end there. Once he takes you down, he owns you. You'll be moving furniture around his house for the next few decades, not even remembering why it is you owe him in the first place.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Things were a little different back in the days when the Silver Bullet started playing Quarters. Back then, a case of beer only cost you a nickel, so if the quarter slid off the table and landed underneath the refrigerator you and your buddies weren't drinking for the rest of the month. But that doesn't make him a slouch. Bring him a fishing pole, some silly puddy, a tin can, and three mattress springs and ask him to show you his infamous "Triple-Lindy" shot.

Pong Ability:
* * *
According to the Silver Bullet, pong is the poor man's drinking game. He prefers full-court Beer Tennis at the local country club. Watch out, he's got a wicked backhand.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
We're not going to lie. He's probably not much of a guy player. But what is he going to do... let Tina or McCheese show him up? Silver Bullet don't think so. And he (and Mr. T) pities the fool that does.

Flip Ability:
* * *
If you were thinking about knocking this old man down a notch with some head-to-head boat racing, think again. It's scary enough that he refers to the event as yacht racing, but he also happens to be a mathematical anomaly with the flip. As one analyst reported: "It would be over before it even started. You probably wouldn't even see him, there would just be a flash of gray lightning and some ringing in your ears before you realized that his cup is sitting on the table upside-down and your pants are mysteriously around your ankles."

Intangibles:
* *
So what does Tina think about some potential competition from his father?

"You don't teach an old dog new tricks. You know what you do to an old dog? You put him down." Harsh words from the soft and squishy competitor. But he does make a valid point.

Pessimists may say, "Hey, this guy is old. Real old. He can't possibly compete in a drinking competition with a bunch of collegiate-aged hooligans." And this may be true. Sure, he's old. He may even seem senile at times. But does that make him dead or incapable of performing? As best we can tell, only below the waist.

And we can't help but think he may have some added motivation in competing against a younger generation. The man is quickly nearing death and has few other events in life to look forward to. Why not go out with a bang at the Beer Olympics? ...Well, luckily for us, the retirement home doesn't issue weekend passes for Olympic hopefuls. He'll likely be sitting this one out in his rocking chair, imagining what could have been.

ICRS: Two-Ply (T.P.)

2006-11-06T06:03:00.000-08:00

Name: Two-Ply
Age: 25
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Beer
Training Grounds:
Overall ICRS: 3.375

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Growing up with two gay fathers helped turn him off of umbrella drinks at an early age. To their dismay, he's taken to beer like Tina in an all-male prison. And not just any beer... cheap beer. Old-Style, Hams, Blatz, you name it... serve it up warm and watch him shine. After about ten beers or so he may look at you with these eyes that make you think he's staring at the back of your skull, but we're pretty confident he does that sober, so don't worry about it.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
He has slept on Horn's couch, used the upstairs bathroom, and eaten leftovers out of the fridge in the same weekend. This man is either partially blind or has a stomach made of stone. Or both.

Chug Ability:
* * *
We have yet to see him really chug full brews for speed, but he'll throw back a half beer penalty cup with ease so we expect he'll be above average with the chug. Then again, working at the nation's largest homosexually-held logistics company could be slowly chipping away at his man skills.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Have you ever seen Steven Seagal run? Have you ever seen McCheese squeeze into size-32 shorts? Have you ever heard Tina serenade a woman to "Can you feel the love tonight?" We have. And they're not pretty. We're betting you can add Two-Ply's quarter shot to this list.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
No newbie to this event, Two-Ply has been honing his skills for years in college while earning a degree in hair design. He probably won't blow the game wide open with five sinks in a row and he certainly won't be much of a threat for a trademark-Tina "off-the-ceiling-fan off-the-refrigerator" style sinker, but he does offer consistency. Look for that bastard to sneak a bounce shot past you when you least expect it. Then look for me to counter by giving him the finger.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
A newcomer to Beer Guy and so far we applaud his enthusiasm and effort. It was initially thought that he could carry on as the next big promoter of the game, until we realized that it sounds like he wants to give you a hot oil massage when he asks if you want to play a game of guy.

Flip Ability:
* * *
If you ask him he'll tell you he's money with the flip, but we don't think he fully appreciates the talent and years of experience that he's up against. In an event so competitive that a 95 lb female gets yelled at for 2-flipping (by another light-weight female), he'll be lucky to avoid the embarrassment of being singled out and ridiculed.

Intangibles:
* * *
Now we've all heard the criticisms: "Hey, he's not fat enough to stand a chance in this field" or "He's probably worked out in the last decade, isn't that cheating?" We don't think it will matter one way or the other. In our eyes, he's still just a promising rookie. We expect the Beer Olympics to be a firm lesson in humility for the young lass. He's looking forward to competing, but the whole experience will likely bring back awkward memories of standing naked in the men's locker room as a small child. He's just a boy among men.

ICRS: Terminator

2006-11-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

Name: Terminator
Age: 25
Height: 6'2"
Preferred Drink: Polish Vodka
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
An android killing machine sent from the future to save all man kind, how much do you think that thing can drink? OK, now double it.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
This guy worked at Kam's for 2 years and cleaned both men's and women's bathrooms. You think this guy doesn't have an iron stomach? Think again.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
When getting ready to play taps, Terminator likes to rip his shirt off and cut a slash across his chest yelling, "I see you drinking that beer, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine! " Ok, we get it, you're good at this, no need to be so intense.

Quarter Skills:
* *
When playing the shoulder punch game he completely missed and hit his competitor in the face. If you have that little control over your own hands, how can you expect to put a quarter into a shot glass?

Pong Ability:
* * *
A leisurely game of front yard catch nearly turned into Murder Death Kill when he completely missed the cut off man and instead jacked a girl in the face with a league ball. Based on this, you might get knocked unconcious with a pong ball in this event, but rest assured it isn't going anywhere near the cup.

Beer Die/Guy:
*
We don't have a lot of research on him. Before his first game, someone lit a cigarette too close to him. Yelling, "Fire Bad!", he smashed the table, chugged everyone's beers, and ate the die. That might have won him the game that night, but this time we have backup tables and dice.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
From the previous ratings you might think Terminator has no control over his body whatsoever, and you'd be right. However when it comes to taps, his CPU nueral net processer is hard wired for the sole task of flipping. When he gets a hold of a 16 oz. Solo cup, consider yourself terminated.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Wish you had a real life Arnold soundboard? Need holes punched in your wall using nothing but your fist? How about frightening small children with a profanity laced ode to red meat? This guy is your first round draft pick for all of the above, but when it comes to games of finesse he's more suited to crush the game piece into a fine powder than to properly execute. The big X factor here is that the majority of games are chug and flip which are his specialty. And if I haven't mentioned it yet, he can walk through a wall.

ICRS: Jones

2006-11-02T18:12:00.000-08:00

Name: Jones
Age: 26
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Hawkeye Vodka
Training Grounds: Iowa City
Overall ICRS: 2.95

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* *
Technically he's an overweight, ex-football playing, Iowa grad who now resides in America's Playground. ...Yet further evidence that you can't judge a book by its cover. While this may sound like an ideal pick-up for your drinking team, we want to clear up any myths that he started right now. This guy cannot drink. Medically, we're not sure why. But his tolerance is on par with most newborn infants. We expect his mother to go higher up in the draft order.

Boot Factor:
*
It is rare that a single player accumulates such impressive statistics over a drinking career, but Jones holds a lifetime .500 vomiting average when visiting friends out of state. A Jones vomit is similar to asking McCheese if he's hungry: it's just assumed. And despite his pudgy exterior, underneath the inner-tube of a waistline must be some actual muscle because he can project his lunch, breakfast, or dinner distances up to 15 feet.

Chug Ability:
* * * (on the way down) / * * * * (on the way back up)
On the first beer or two Jones can chug as well as the next guy. There's a noticeable drop off after that. What's much more impressive is his reverse-chug.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
His chubby fingers make it difficult to grab and control a quarter. His protrusive gut makes it difficult for him to see his feet. (That doesn't have anything to do with this event, but it's still true) Look for him to spend more time formulating excuses than sinking the shot glass.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Naturally uncoordinated, this is not his best event either. A good partner will keep an eye out for his throws landing in their own cups. At this point, we can only hope he doesn't break out his left-handed "hook" shot. But his ugly form may be enough to distract the opposition or get them laughing so hard they can't aim.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
Jones is the last person to admit when he's outmatched, but he's no stranger to the game of guy. Enough so that he's countless lessons in humility should be plenty for him to gracefully bow out of this event. ...and run for the hills.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Considering the amount of trash he will talk during the course of this event, Jones would like everyone to believe he flips cups for a living. But this obviously isn't the case as that would mean he has a job. In his defense, he does have the skills to land a cup on occasion (supposing the wind isn't too strong, the sun isn't in his eye, his hand isn't broken, he's not on medication, and he isn't laughing too hard from his performance in the last round).

Intangibles:
* * * *
His confidence is unmatched and so are his socks. He'll walk into each and every event "knowing" he has a shot at victory, regardless of whether or not reality agrees with him. We're not expecting much from this broken-down competitor, but look for an him to give the ladies a run for their money and perhaps even brief moments of manhood will peak through.

Halloween Around the Nation

2006-11-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

Yay! People sent in their drunken Halloween pictures from around the nation. Unfortunately few of you sent me a good story about your night, so I'm just making most of these up. See if you can guess which stories are actually real.

CHAMPAIGN
Animal and Dawg from Team Undergrad put on a strong showing with Mario and Luigi costumes. Their goal was to become invincible with some Star Power, but when they failed to get drunk enough to break floating bricks in the air, their dream was shattered.

At least Luigi was able to pick up this smoking pregnant chick. When asked how she reacted to the news she replied, "I was so surprised!" Also let it be noted that Kam's turned up in these pictures. Based on past experience, I'm guessing that at least one hookup was ruined when a girl fell into the thin layer of Kam's scum. Quote drunk guy dressed as devil, "Ew, not going home with you tonite."

SCARY-OKE
What are these costumes? Here's my guess. Sexy Rainbow Bright, Sexy Evil Chick, Sexy Red Riding Hood, Ms. Orgasm Doctor. The Dr. proves that even people in McCheese's imaginary profession don't want to be with him.

The night sounds really fun. All was going well until McGee tried to give a rousing rendition of "It's Raining Men". At that point two transvestites came on stage and tried to grope her. That cued the group to leave for Nown's party, but not before McGee remarked, "You know we shouldn't have left. Those trannies were really nice. I could have scored!"

They picked up Foxy Cleopatra there. Her pic is posted purely for hair comparison to Tina's. Tina Simmons wins.

NEW YORK
This guy tried to go as Peyton Manning, but something was slightly off with his costume.

FIZZ
Trifecta continued his random tradition of boycotting Halloween. Why even go out, you ask? Trifecta needs alcohol to function. Much as you and I may hate Canadien Boxing day, we still eat on that day.

Nothing better than getting a 3 am phone call and recapping the night, but not when the call comes in and someone says, "Chairman you need to help us. The pirate took shotgun, has locked the window between front and back, and is biting the cab driver. You need to tell him to drink water from now on." Then muffled yelling and "Oh fuck, don't do that!" Then a hang up.

First off don't ever let a pirate into shotgun. Second, if someone is biting the driver of the cab that you are in don't worry about making that person drink water. Worry about stopping him from biting the fucking cab driver. All turned out well though, as the parties involved are still alive.

Happy Halloween!

Beer Olympics Field Set -- Registration Officially Closed

2006-11-01T05:17:00.000-08:00

With payment received from Team Cornfield, the field has been set for the Beer Olympics. We still need one girl for Team Rag Tag and one team is still yet to pay, but for all intents and purposes we are ready to battle.

Full teams can be viewed on the Team Power Rankings Page.

Begin nominating your captains. They'll have the responsibility of setting your roster and resolving any disputes.

Good luck to everyone!

ICRS: Sammy

2006-10-31T19:32:00.000-08:00

Name: Sammy
Age: 25
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Whatever you tell him to drink
Training Grounds: The Birth Canal
Overall ICRS: 3.125

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
A true student of drinking, Sammy has spent that last eight years of his life diligently examining the drinking art forms from the solitude of his parent's basement. It was here that he and his imaginary friends Paco and Elwood discovered the secret to drinking full bottles of Jaegar without dying (and only mild hallucinations). Some attribute Sammy's drinking success to a life free of society's more common distractions: women, sports, social events, etc. Others feel it's more of a spiritual connection with the underworld. Either way, assuming his mother let's him compete, the last thing you'll need to worry about is him drinking enough beer.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
As far as failing organs go, he has quite a few but his stomach isn't one of them (...yet). Intestinal issues, liver, kidneys, non-descending testicles... sure, but he maintains an iron gut. That's not to say the alcohol will have no effect on him of course. He's a definite candidate for sleeping in the neighbor's shower, underneath a parked police car, or finding his way into a comfortable tree. If you get him really messed up, he passes out with his eyes open. It's creepy.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
We're much more afraid of his talents at chugging straight out of a bottle of Goldschlager than out of a cup of beer. But think about it this way: would you cut Tiger Woods from your mini golf team?

Quarter Skills:
* * *
When you think of Sammy's special skills, you don't exactly jump straight to drinking games. You'd probably come up with something like "he's an expert at stalking waitresses" or "a true role model for aspiring carnies" first. But one thing you have to remember is that this guy spends more time drunk than he does sober. (which, for the record, is almost as much time as he spends masturbating to the Legends of Zelda) And that makes him dangerous at most any hand-eye coordination event.

Pong Ability:
* *
His shooting stroke and release are the epitome of smooth. Well, maybe not as smooth as when he told a girl that he had a crush on in high school about how he used to drive by her house all the time, but smooth nonetheless. And he's got the "straight out of the Matrix" look to complete the ensemble. Who plays beer pong with sunglasses, a pony tail, and a trench coat you ask? This guy. But unfortunately for Sammy, his mom never let throw balls in the house, so inexperience may come back to bite him in the ass.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
Sammy likes beer. Sammy likes guys. It's a match made in heaven, right? Unfortunately, God crippled Sammy in such a way that he automatically blows at anything that even resembles a competitive sport. His coordination is there, but he's lacking something. We're guessing testosterone.

Flip Ability:
* *
Getting a cup to land perfectly on its end requires a small amount of concentration and control. Sammy's drinking habits make him better suited for an event that requires elbow pads and a helmet. We expect Sammy to get rocked so hard in this category it brings back memories of Kyle G. dropping him like a bad habit in the backyard.

Intangibles:
* * *
Since he's not overly competitive in any single category, we're thinking there are some basic weaknesses to Sammy's game. Crafty opponents may try to implement distraction techniques like asking him computer questions or having female competitors fake interest in talking to him. After a few beers we expect to hear from Sammy's alter ego, Gayla the Dragon Slayer who will either try to seduce women through talks about the scalability of Unix servers or possibly turn everybody on with his coolest DDR moves.

Congratulations Matrix Sammy!

2006-10-31T05:05:00.000-08:00

Maybe you know this guy, but more than likely not. I picture a man going to 7-11 for some Diet Coke and pretzels only to have Matrix Sammy swoop in from no where.

So with 32% of the vote he's in. Thanks to everyone from around the nation who voted. I find it very appropriate that it's Halloween when the Sammy Challenge comes to a close. Knowing this guy could be lurking in the shadows is enough to strike fear into even the bravest of hearts.

Halloween is Here!

2006-10-29T15:36:00.000-08:00

Which means skanky costumes for women and dressing as women for men. Suprisingly I noticed these trends less than usual. Maybe I'm getting too old for Halloween.

Baby Bird and I went couples style as Roman/Greek people/gods depending on who we talked to. Basically it was easy to make togas. I still wish I had kept my pirate costume streak alive.

I thought Tina put a nice look together as Richard Simmons, although the shorts could have been shorter to step up the look (note I'm not gay). It was amusing to watch the building of the Liger and the subsequent destruction of it as it continued to get drunk. PETA would not have approved.

As always there were some clever costumes. My favorites were the guy dressed as Judy Bar Topinka and the disgusting Bar of Soap with Pubic Hairs. Truly a tour de force. Unfortunately I have no photos of this. I do pictures of this guy though, who sadly could find no one to accept a donation.

Pretty solid party. After last year I had my doubts as to wether Chicago could ever equal Champaign in terms of Halloween greatness. It can't but this party proved it can still be a lot of fun.

I'd like to think we were the life of the party, but I'm guessing we were identified closer as "those problem drinkers who wouldn't leave the boatracing table." But we met many friends this way including the witch who Baby Bird called out as "not focused enough", a hot dog, and a minion of Satan named Cliff. Even Borat got drunk, though this is not unusual.

Chairman Horn and myself exhibited domination at boat racing, but when I shamefully lost to my wife, Horn was honorable enough to earn my pants back for me. Thanks Chairman Horn.

One disturbing trend from this party was the lack of outright skanky costumes. We had some borderline sexy costumes, but that's not what people like McCheese was looking for. Clever costumes seemed to be the choice. Maybe we hang out with too many smart girls and not enough hos. Case in point, Me in a Nutshell, Liger, Partly Cloudy with a chance of Rain, Aphrodite, and Velma.

But don't worry there was plenty of shame. What exactly are you doing with your tail there Liger?

Anyone else have some good Halloween shots? I'd love to post them along with a story.

Vote for Sammy!

2006-10-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

Don't forget that Monday is the last day in the great Sammy challenge.

Cast your vote today!

The Ultimate Beer Olympics Team

2006-10-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

Even though many of you have already assembled your teams, there are still a few out there. For you I give you my guide to assembling the ultimate Beer Olymics Team. Those of you with teams already can assess your readiness.

Like all good theories, this one comes from the world of Nintendo, specifically Nintendo Ice Hockey. Nintendo Ice Hockey was revolutionary at the time for allowing you to customize your team. Today this is standard for games in selecting everything from hair color to jersey number down to the size of a players package (Tina always selects +100 for the largest package possible). Back in 1987 you had three choices skinny guy, medium guy, and fat guy.

Now you could choose a team with all skinny and whip around the ice, skating circles around the other team, until you ran into another person and lost the puck. Or you could call upon a team of fatties which would knock the puck out of everyone's hands, but your obese body would not allow you ever skate over to the puck. The key was finding a mix of all three, and in that vein, here are what I think are the five key players to assembling a dominant Beer Olympics Team.

Skinny Skill Guy (Male)
The Skinny Skill Guy (SSG) is all about finesse. His hands are his greatest weapon as he is extremely skilled in throwing, catching, bouncing, and moving. Like a chihuahua, the SSG may be a little hyperactive, but it is this excitement that makes him so valuable. His only weakness is that his lack of body mass dooms him to a low tolerance and high likelihood of passing out in crucial moments. Current Skinny Skill Guys include Tina (the ultimate skinny skill guy), Toby, and Beer Girl.

Well Rounded Rock (Male)
The Well Rounded Rock is usually the captain of the team. As the name implies this man has both the skills and the weight to compete. He can hang with the SSG in a game of Pong or Quarters but can also stay respectable in a chugging competition. He's the leader and is expected to excel in all facets of the Beer Olympics, but will never outright dominate. Also he's about 20-30 pounds heavier than the SSG. Current well rounded rocks include Chairman M, Chairman Horn, and possibly Alaska if he's actually male.

Fat Chug Beast (Male)
The party animals of the Beer Olympics, these guys are the ones that you would least like to see topless but ironically the most likely to strip down. They can be found with letters painted on them at sub zero football games, and losing to Japanese men in hot dog eating contests. Sometimes they can be mistaken for bears, but they're men alright. They're primary function is to drink beer. Lots of it and really fast. Men will stare in awe, "I've never seen a man do that to a beer before." while women cower in fear, "I can't belive that guy smells like that." Current Fat Chug Beasts include Mayor McCheese and Captain Ron.

Peppy Cheerleader (Female)
Equivalent to the male SSG, the peppy cheerleader is one of the crucial components of a good team. As Chairman Horn has detailed the female often sturuggles to control her body when the time comes for tasks of bouncing, or throwing, or god forbid catching. Add alcohol to the mix and you are asking for a broken window or worse a crying girl. The Peppy Cheerleader has none of these problems. She has control over her appendages and can bounce, sink, and trash talk opponents into submission. But the Peppy Cheerleader is only as good as a watchful captain. Too much alcohol and she's off the cliff, leading to vulgar cursing, spilt beer, passing out, and total team breakdown. Current Peppy Cheerleaders include Baby Bird, Nown, and Mendoza.

Great Personality Chug Beast (Female)
Sadly no one on any team currently fits this profile, but for those of you not registered there's still time! The equivalent to the male Fat Chug Beast, this is a boiling pool of estrogen meant only for beer consumption and destruction. She can outdrink as many men as she can beat up, which is to say most. If you are looking for for someone think Rosie O'Donell (bonus: she's a lesbian), Kirstie Allie, or Chris Farley in the GAP sketch. "Leave me alone, I'm STARVING!"

ICRS: Goddo

2006-10-26T04:54:00.000-07:00

Name: Goddo
Age: 25
Height: 5' 5"
Preferred Drink: Any Alcohol through a Hose
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 3.625

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
Although he has a well-documented history of drinking, Goddo's tolerance may prove to be a real-time science experiment. Years ago his drinking prowess would go unquestioned (and rightfully so) but he has since lost nearly half of his body weight and most of his manhood. Drinking now takes a back seat to other guilty pleasures, such as masturbation. Goddo hadn't seen his penis in so long he has since become completely infatuated with it. Will this affect his performance? Almost certainly. But assuming he doesn't develop any crippling chafe wounds and you can get his hand out of his pants for a few consecutive hours, we expect him to throw back a few beers without complaint.

Boot Factor:
* * *
Again, the weight loss may be an issue here. It's difficult to predict how his body will react to anything not made by Jenny Craig, but in his prime he had a stomach like a rock. Well, maybe it was more like a giant bean bag chair... but a high quality one, none of that $10.99 at Target crap. Point being, we don't expect him to spill his insides.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
In college, he used to bong an entire pitcher of beer in less than 4 seconds. So you know he's great on his knees staring up at a lengthy hose. And if you want to get a visual demonstration, he'll probably show you something similar in the back of a parking lot for $5. He's not quite as fast out of a cup, but we expect he'll give the best of competition a run for their money.

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
With a quarters shot that would even make his role model, Allen Iverson, proud... the only thing you need to worry about is him showing up to the table. Unfortunately, in that category he's been about as reliable as Tina in an arm-wrestling competition.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Although his skills in this area remain rather untested, you get the impression that he'll be pretty decent based on his above average coordination and homosexual love for NBA players.

Beer Guy:
* * * *
Even when he's "not feeling very light on his feet," Goddo is an all-star at this event. He's one of several chubby bastards that helped shape the game into what it is today (shaping himself into an amorphous blob in the process). He's lost the weight, has he lost the skill? We imagine he'll be a little rusty considering he's spent the last few years doing public service announcements for a high school radio station. And while we expect a few of the table obstacles to trip him up at first, he should put in a strong showing. And just to refresh your memory Goddo, no, you still cannot "seven" the doorbell.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
It's like riding a bicycle, you just never forget how to flip the red cup. He's more likely to forget where he left his pants after a few rounds than look bad on a flip.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Believe it or not, growing up in northern Wisconsin does have some upsides. Goddo has had more drinking experience in grade school than most other competitors have period. Just as you would never want to compete head-to-head with him in a cow-tipping tournament, Goddo should prove to be a feared competitor in the Beer Olympics. One of his greatest strengths is his veteran composure under pressure. Taking into account his fashion sense, taste in music, and most recent haircut, we attribute this to him giving up on life altogether. But seeing as he still needs to find some teammates, society's loss could be your team's gain.

ICRS: Toby

2006-10-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

Name: Toby
Age: 25
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Novacaine
Training Grounds: City of Brotherly Love
Overall ICRS: 2.5

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
****
When you ask most experienced drinkers about their drinking prime, they'll probably tell you about some glorious period back in their early college years. Toby, however, managed to skip his college binge drinking years like a hiding ostrich - saving himself for what he calls the "ultimate party" and what the rest of us refer to as "dental school." Know this: he's in his prime right now and if he doesn't cower and flee to Michigan he'll be ready for a few beers.

Boot Factor:
*****
Never one to feel bad ruining your good times, Toby will stop drinking all-together if he feels the boot coming on. Mock him as you may, he'll sit there and redirect criticism (in the form of McCheese jokes) with that dumb smirk on his face until you're sick of complaining. It's with great reluctance that we give him a five-star rating in this category, but the simple fact is that he isn't going to boot one way or the other. ...Pussy.

Chug Ability:
**
If the moment is right he can down a full beer and belch in your face before you even know what hit you (...it's the smell that hits you first by the way). Then again, in that same moment you might catch Tina weight-lifting out of the corner of your eye. As far as chugging beer goes, Toby breaks out his "A" game about as often as cicadas come around.

Quarter Skills:
**
Well, he might have some skills working with dentures, root canals, and flossing regularly, but quarter skills... no.

Pong Ability:
**
Beer Pong is one of many games you can put into the category of "Things That Toby is Afraid Of." It will fit nicely next to "McCheese's Dirty Laundry" and "That Chick That Kinda Wants Sizlak."

Beer Die/Guy:
***
For someone who doesn't play all that often, he's actually pretty damn good at this event. We attribute this mostly to the fact that his arms are long enough to fondle the opposing player's nuts while he's attempting to catch the die. Oddly enough, there's no rule against it.

Flip Ability:
*
Toby flips cups like he hits on women. ...He doesn't. Get it? That was a gay joke. A cup once tried to flip over on Toby, but he turned it down citing he was more "into plates."

Intangibles:
**
Even though he's come on strong lately in the drinking game world, there's still a sour taste left in our mouths from what can only be called Toby's vaginal years. We're fairly certain that he didn't participate in his first drinking game (not counting "Make Sammy Drink") until well after he graduated college. But if you can ever get him to actually try something new, he usually ends up being decent at it. And yes, we've been asking him to give women a try for years.

Final Four Teams Are Set

2006-10-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

You'll notice on the Team Power Rankings Page that we have our four teams set for the Beer Olympics. At this point this comprises the entire field of Beer Olympics competitors and no others shall be added.

What? I totally told someone I had a team!

Too bad. The rules were clear, first four teams to have their team submitted and paid get the spots. I mentioned this in both the official rules and the FAQ's.

I hate you Chairman M.

No you don't. Those are repressed feelings of inadequacy from your childhood. Besides, there's still a way to compete.

Thank Jesus. I can't imagine being sober on November 24th. Tell me more.

Chairman Horn and I have decided there is enough interest to have eight teams participate, but in order for this to happen we need eight. No more. No less. Beer Pong bracket elimination doesn't work right with six teams. So that means there are four open spots with a huge caveat. If we do not get four more entries we will only play with the four original teams.

Right now we count five interested teams. The rag tag team of misfits will get first dibs at a team entry. So that means there are three open spots for possibly five teams.

So I could still be out. This sounds risky. I should probably get my team together. What can I do to make sure I get a spot?

You've already screwed yourself once, don't do it again. Send me an email right now with the names of all your teammates and a nickname for each. I'll post them under the tenative team area. Once I receive your $50 it will be official. If we get four additional teams you're good to go. If not, I'll give you your money back. Don't be foolish. Email me your team today.

Vote for Most "Sammy" Picture

2006-10-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

Sammy's profile is in the bag, but without a picture of my own I had to tap Toby to provide me with an appropriate one. I was alarmed to receive, within 30 minutes of the request, twelve shameful Sammy pictures (I think Toby has a special infatuation with Sammy). I was able to knock some out, but I need help deciding between the last five. Which one should we use for his profile? Feel free to vote early and often in the great Sammy challenge.

1.) Sammy breaks Sizlak's Door

2.) Sammy Thumb Wrestles Matrix Style

3.) Sammy's Dead to the World

4.) Sammy's Been Drinking

5.) Sammy's a Pretty Intense Guy

Take the poll

Free Poll by Blog Flux

The 2006 Beer Olympics Commercial

2006-10-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

WTF?! Maxim Names Milwaukee #2 Party City in America

2006-10-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

It's a cool town, I'll grant you that. I've talked jive with some white boys, vomited in several places and even traveled to the future here, but c'mon number two party city in the nation? No way. Here's what Maxim says:

"Recently named America's "thirstiest" city, Milwaukee eats, sleeps, and burps beer. Home to the Miller Brewing Company, Brewers ball club, and over 500 bars, it guarantees a drinking buddy and a tasty, kraut-covered brat at every turn. Bottoms up!"

When I think of a party city, I think of shots being poured into my mouth by crazy hot topless chicks. The two cities that fit the bill, Las Vegas and New Orleans, sandwich Milwaukee as the one and three cities, making the selection seem even more out of place.

Now, when I think of Milwaukee, I think of brats and beer. It's a great place to eat lots of meat and get obliterated with a couple of your closest friends, but to qualify as a party city you must have hot women and in this department they are sorely lacking (sorry MU alumnae).

The situation is best described by Chairman Horn while looking at MU's entry into Playboy's Girls of Conference USA. "She's not bad, but like most girls around here, she becomes much more attactive after a case of Busch Light. So drink up."

Maybe I'm wrong. There's plenty of homeless guys to share a drink with. The city recently lost it's leadership position of fattest city in America. And Milwaukee is the only city to force Mayor McCheese into the emergency room for a drinking related incident (note: McCheese continued drinking after being released).

Milwaukeeites, I look forward to the defense of your city. With Chicago at number ten, and Miami not even on the list, I think something went horribly horribly wrong with these rankings.

ICRS: Dr. Dre

2006-10-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

Name: Dr. Dre
Age: 24
Height: 5' 3"
Preferred Drink: Goldschlager
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.5

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
He may get drunk. He may say awkward stuff. He may even cause a girl to say, "I'd really like to go home with you tonight, but your friend Dre is creeping my friend out so much that we have to leave." But in any of those instances he'll just keep drinking and laughing, knowing that you're a big vagina for going to sleep at 3 am, while he keeps drinking alone until well after sun rise.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
You're about 200 times more likely to see his arms around a fat chick than around the toliet bowl. I'm not saying he hasn't ever vomited, it's just that there's too many hefty women around that Dre doesn't have time to spew.

Chug Ability:
* * *
Dre has somewhat slimmed down from his peak chugging days and it remains to be seen whether he'll be more Takeru Kobayashi than Bill Gates. No stranger to the phrase "loosen your throat muscles", he himself may be a strong opponent, but when he continually offers this advice to his female teamates, it may creep them out enough to mutiny.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
He's solid with the single shotglass, but with six gigs of video on the subject, I'm guessing his strong suit will be the money shot.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
Stubby arms and history of wrestling aside, this guy can actually get the job done. Using little arc, he prefers the downward toss, for devestatingly effective accuracy. His only weakness, an occasionally elbow over the line, is usually negated by his defense, "No it wasn't."

Beer Guy:
* * *
Dre tried to get inducted into the Champaign Triumvarete of Beer Die, but it just wouldn't take. He knows how to play the game, but don't expect to be wowed by the flair and pizzazz he demonstrates in other games.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
When a younger girl he was hitting on dared say she was a better taps player than him he responded, "You think you can drink? You don't know anything. When you were riding the school bus to grade school, I was here. Drinking. At Kam's." As usual, he went home alone that night, but he had made his point.

Intangibles:
* * *
This isn't a guy talking about "brushing off his drinking skills". He spent an extra year in college to stay sharp and even after moving to Chicago, not much changed. For most people the Beer Olympics will test the very limits of their drinking abilities. Dre just sees it as a "good opportunity to pre-party before going out later that night."

ADOPT ME!

2006-10-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

Imagine you're back in the third grade and dodge ball teams are being picked. First all the girls are taken, then the guy with one leg, and the border line retard. Still you stand there. Feels pretty horrible, huh? But while in your case you probably deserved to be picked last, these guys don't. They're the free agents of the dodgeball field except they can chug and flip better than Norris.

Need to fill up your team with some solid competitors? Stop considering the one legged kid and email me to select one of these guys.

---------------------------------------

Beergirl

Like the rest of the competitors we gave Beergirl a fair amount of shit in his profile, but truth be told he's a solid competitor. More importantly, he's passionate about the Beer Olympics. I might go so far as to call it "ferocious". Any team would be lucky to add him to the roster. Below is his plea for joining your team. If you would like to adopt Beergirl, you know my address.

"My name is "Beergirl", I come here today to make a plea to your best nature.I really want to participate in the Beer Olympics, but unfortunately, Idon't have a team to register. I am a man without a country. A drinkerwithout a team. I wish I had people I could count on to stand beside me at aFlip Cup table, but for now, I stand alone.

"I believe in this competition. The spirit of camaraderie should be coursingthrough my veins along with potentially dangerous levels of alcohol. But,without a team, I will just have to sit on the sidelines during these greatgames.

"I'm valuable at a Flip Cup table. I am an asset during Beer Guy. I can help.I just need you to give me a chance. Because the last thing I want to be onNovember 24th is sober. Thank you for your time."

ICRS: McGee

2006-10-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

Name: McGee
Age: 24
Height: 5' 3"
Preferred Drink: Miller Light
Training Grounds: Wild Wild West
Overall ICRS: 3.125

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * * (what she thinks she can drink) /
* * (what the officer's Breathalyzer says she can drink)
When you talk about McGee and use the word tolerance, it usually has something to do with how many beers she can drink before you want to duct tape her mouth shut or knock her unconscious. (By the way, if that was a category she would only be getting one star.) That being said, her drinking capabilities are pretty much on par for a female competitor.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Despite only having an average tolerance, booting isn't usually an issue for McGee. We're expecting the "pass out" to be more of a threat come game time. The team captain may want to keep some No-Doze handy for the later rounds. If nothing else, it could prove to be a fun gag for some of the drunks.

Chug Ability:
* * *
While not as white and creamy as her drink of choice, McGee can quickly put down beer in small doses. Don't expect much out of her in a power chug, but look for her to make short work out of regular penalty drinks.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
McGee should start off strong in this event. Look for her to make some clutch setup passes in the early-going. After a few beers we expect she'll lose focus and start masturbating to Hunter Hillenmeyer, who she was mysteriously able to envision after five minutes of staring blankly at a bag of pretzels. (McCheese seems to have the same ability with Barbara Streisand)

Pong Ability:
* * *
To say that she has good days and bad days at this event would be an understatement. We've seen her run through ten cups effortlessly on a Friday, and then take shots that make the opposing team duck on the following Saturday. Speaking of which, is there a mendoza rule in Beer Pong?

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
For those of you that thought this entire paragraph would revolve around the always-popular "cleavage catch"... you were absolutely right. Thank God that McGee can't catch the die with her hands, because otherwise the cleavage catch rule would give her an unbelievable advantage over players with average bust sizes. Much like the Evolutionary-Foy theory, the entire rulebook of Beer Guy would have to be altered to address this critical flaw. For those that aren't quite clear on this, here's an image depicting McGee's cleavage catch advantage for all you visual learners: (see below.) My team may counter this by using McCheese, who has similarly-sized cleavage.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Take the beer into your mouth, swallow, some quick wrist action, and repeat. Yep, this is definitely her best event. She'll make a solid female center piece on any team. And even though she not talented enough for the position, we recommend using her as the anchor so that both teams will have equal opportunity looking down her shirt.

Intangibles:
* * *
While McGee doesn't dominate in any one event, she does bring a solid all-around game to the table. A good team captain will coordinate some sort of Buddy System to help her avoid getting any DUIs on her way to the bathroom. We expect match-ups will play a key role here. Look for her to pitted head-to-head against Baby Bird, consistently distracting her with her goods. She may also upset some heavily-favored (no pun intended, McCheese) male competitors if the pressure is on.

ICRS: Sizlak

2006-10-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

Name: Sizlak
Age: 25
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Skoal Vodka, but only if he has to pay $600 a bottle for table service in Vegas
Training Grounds: Big Easy
Overall ICRS: 2.875

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
There was a time long ago when Sizlak's drinking abilities were near legendary. He was pretty much the Michael Jordan of his first AA group. But time has taken its toll on the pathetic southern hick. Unfortunately Sizlak can't seem to come to terms with reality. But his childish attempts to distract you from the truth with his sequined pink sports coat and spandex biker shorts aren't fooling anyone. Maybe he just needs a juicebox and a hug?

Boot Factor:
* * * * *
He drives a truck. He doesn't puke. Puking is for wusses. (He'd rather bow out and save face than compete on the same level as everyone and realize he doesn't quite measure up to Tina while drinking.)

Chug Ability:
* *
High rollers don't chug. They buy shots. In fact, who wants a shot?

Quarter Skills:
* *
Sizlak barely knows what a quarter is. He hasn't seen a quarter since he achieved "high-roller" status back in high school. But if the point of the game was to bounce crumpled up $100 bills into a shot glass... he would be untouchable.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Throwing a ping pong ball into a cup of beer may seem childish when compared to making million dollar realestate acquisitions. But don't be surprised if the "big" man breaks into tears and whimpers for his "mama" after a few humiliating rounds. He may need to take that sleeveless flannel off and use it as a diaper after we're done with him.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
Expect him to wear sunglasses to the table to hide the fear in his eyes if he enters this competition. Actually, expect him to wear sunglasses anyway because he's a fucking idiot.

Flip Ability:
* * *
We expect Sizlak to be about as smooth with the flip as he is with the ladies. That is, look for him to remove his shirt, walk into the middle of Addison Ave., and scream and passing cars about how beautiful he is until the cup eventually caves in and turns over.

Intangibles:
* *
Despite his high-roller status, years of drinking, and highly-attune arrogance, Sizlak brings relatively little to the table in the world of competitive drinking. We're hoping at the very least he springs for pizza and keeps his mouth shut.

ICRS: Nown

2006-10-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

Name: Nown
Age: 24
Height: 5' 1"
Preferred Drink: Irish Whiskey
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 3.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
We foresee an internal struggle in the works. The old south-side Irish drinker inside her battles against the light-weight, urban marketing girl she has become. Who will emerge victorious? Our bet is Tina, but the spectators should get their money's worth as well.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Not typically a problem for the perky lush, but be warned: when she falls, she falls hard. If it comes to it, you can expect at least four drunken phone calls in search of emotional support followed by her waking up the next day with personal possessions missing (clothing, car, eyebrows, self-respect, etc).

Chug Ability:
* * *
Although better when chugging out of another girl's cleavage, she's no slouch in this area by any means. Look for her to embarrass her quasi-male counterpart while simultaneously consoling him with words like "there, there... you're still special."

Quarter Skills:
* *
As a female, she's too easily distracted by shiny objects to call her a solid competitor in this event, but she should be able to regain her focus after the first couple bounces and stick around long enough to watch a few other people get eliminated before her. Outside of that, look for her to excel at not excelling at this event.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Fairly new to the game as whole, Nown has taken to beer pong like Papa discovering Internet porn. Nevertheless, she lacks the composure and follow-through to truly become a force. Will someone please tell me why women always jerk their arms back immediately after they let go of the ball?

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
Her tiny circus-midget sized hands put her at an automatic disadvantage here, but she has improved by leaps and bounds since first sitting down at the Guy table. If anyone would like to bring their parents by for the festivities, we expect Nown will feel right at home introducing herself with her pants around her ankles.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
As a MU alumna you can pretty much assume she's got mad skills flipping a cup. Standard red, 12-oz., glass, Dixie... she doesn't care. Give her a pitcher and watch her chug, flip it, and immediately talk some trash! Her Richard Simmons-style attack will leave competitors nervous to go head-to-head each round.

Intangibles:
* * * *
She packs a decent punch in a small package, but her rookie status doesn't bode well for a competition that favors seasoned beer gamers. Her initial negativity towards the Beer Olympics as a whole had many expecting her to fail. But we've since witnessed a dramatic change as she's back to her bubbly and over-optimistic self in recent weeks. We're going out on a limb and predicting that she'll hyperventilate from over-excitement halfway through the obstacle course but recover in time to see the finish.

ICRS: Beer Girl

2006-10-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

Name: Beer Girl
Age: 37
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Tequila Sunrise, with bold hues of armaranth enhanced by slight chiaroscuro
Training Grounds: Eastern Seaboard
Overall ICRS: 3.125

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
According to his driver's license Beergirl is no female... but you wouldn't know it from watching him drink. We're fairly confident that you could replace his penalty cups with O'Douls and he'd still end up on the floor. This is the type of guy who gets tipsy after he rinses with Listerine in the morning. But don't count him out just because he falls below Tina on the masculinity chart. He's coordinated, competitive, and won't be brushed off lightly in any event come game day.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Despite a sub-zero tolerance, this has never been a real problem area for Beergirl. We'd be much more concerned about an early and extremely shameful pass out (one which would inevitably end in him driving home early the next morning and not speaking to any of us again until we had all forgotten a few weeks later).

Chug Ability:
* * *
We've never been witness to him chugging a beer and we're pretty sure that's no coincidence. Chances are good he could make you a detailed oil painting of said event with greater speed and accuracy. And I want one for my living room. Seriously.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
If all of his quarters bounce with the same flutter and pizzaz as the way he walks, he should be in pretty good shape. We're assuming he's relatively new to the speed version we play, so look for pressure situations to put a damper on his otherwise perky and bubbly demeanor.

Pong Ability:
* *
Since he's been out of college for over a decade, we're expecting him to be rusty in this event. Besides, the balls he's used to playing with are significantly smaller. Cut the guy a break, he's an art teacher.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
If he shows up wearing a skirt, this is one commentator that won't be surprised. And no, he's not Scottish. But his lack of talent is due to limited experience and nothing more. He improves nearly exponentially with each game he puts under his belt (assuming you wear a belt with the skirt? Not sure.) And his admiration for the game makes him a viable option and threat in the sport of Beer Guy.

Flip Ability:
* * *
As anybody in their mid-30's can tell you, he's been around the block long enough to have flipped a cup or two in his day. We just hope tha this eastern sea-board upbringing combined with his Rocky Mountain college days can compete on the same level as the field of Midwesterners (where this sort of thing is our only true form of entertainment).

Intangibles:
* * * *
Don't let the goatee and pick-up truck fool you... Beergirl is all woman and come Nov. 24th, you'll hear her roar. Sure he may not know what the inside of a men's room looks like, but that won't stop him from giving it his all and turning some heads in the process. Don't expecthim to just take the loss sitting down, he'll Tivo the Home Shopping Network that day and come out ready to play. This bitch has claws.

Relax & House Keeping

2006-10-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

Everyone relax. Contrary to popular belief if the Beer Olympics website isn't updated daily it will still exist the next day.

I've heard a lot of teams ready to commit, but haven't quite made the plunge. We're getting closer and we need commitment. I want to open up to eight teams, but sitting at two makes that move very difficult. So send me your teams, send me your money, and send me your tales of shame.

Speaking of shame, Chairman Heed, or Horn, or whatever you may call him has a special request to everyone. Please gain weight and do more stupid things. As we continue to write more profiles they get more and more difficult. Please make an effort to be larger (Jones) or more shameful (Trifecta) or a combination of the two (McCheese). The process comes natural for the latter category. The consensus opinion is that we could probably write two more profiles for McCheese, based solely on his weight and other foolish things he's done. So if you haven't had your profile written yet, please make a note to eat more and urinate on yourself. Thanks.

And finally, if you enjoy the website please add a comment or two. It makes it more interesting. Maybe you have a story to add, or a "this would have been better" comment. We'd like to see those.

So enjoy the rest of the week. Posting to occur every day until Friday. Don't freak out if there isn't a new profile on Saturday morning.

ICRS: Trifecta

2006-10-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

Name: Trifecta
Age: 24
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Whatever's not guarded
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.625

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Trifecta has honed his tolerance from an early age. He's battled mild forms of alcoholism (Do you drink alone? "I'm not drinking alone if I'm talking online") and several alcohol poisoning incidents ("I slept underneath a car last night for a couple of hours because I couldn't find my way home.") All this has lead to his current state: human on the outside, giant suffering liver on the inside.

Boot Factor:
* *
For a college project he stood in front of a class of 18 horrified students and described a night of drinking in which he vomited, urinated on a pile of library books, and shat himself. Which is worse, that it happened or that he used it to get an A in Speech Comm 114? Trifecta rarely spews, but when it happens it's a nuclear event.

Chug Ability:
* * *
He's usually slotted in the middle of a taps lineup but can be a sneaky play at anchor. My mind is too hazy to accurately rate him, but I don't remember Baby Bird hitting or yelling at him during play, so he must be decent.

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
Here's a guy who orders "cheapest beer possible" or picks up unattended drinks one night and tries to outspend an oil tycoon the next. Obviously not strong with large denominations, the quarter is more his speed, and he'll make you pay time and time again.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
Recently hit ten free throws in a row to force me to chug my beer, then before my pour foam settled, hit twenty more to further punish. Since there is no real defense allowed, Trifecta is money in this event.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
Team U of I made a last minute decision to deem him Physically Unable to Perform in the SIU Beer Die/Guy Challenge of 2002. The move was costly and gave a more talented and fatter Marquette team the victory and SIU naming rights. Here in 2006, Trifecta has learned his lesson, and when the moment comes he'll be primed and ready to dominate.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
You think Trifecta doesn't have flipping skills? He breathes flipping ability. I'll let him elaborate, "My dream is to go into church during Communion, chug the wine, and one flip the chalice on the altar. I think Jesus would appreciate that. I might actually get nominated for Sainthood."

Intangibles:
* * * *
His team lacking a true Beast Chugger like McCheese, Trifecta will be forced to shoulder some of the heavy lifting along with team captain Chairman M. If the extra load doesn't hurt his finesse and stability in some of the more precise games he could be in the hunt for MVP. In a way he's been training for this moment his entire life.

ICRS: Chuck Norris

2006-10-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Name: Chuck Norris
Age: Ageless
Height: 5' 8"
Preferred Drink: The Souls of Lesser Men
Training Grounds: 'Nam
Overall ICRS: 5.0

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Boot Factor:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chug Ability:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Quarter Skills:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Pong Ability:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * * *
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Flip Ability:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer

Intangibles:
* * * * *
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

ICRS: Mendoza

2006-10-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

Name: Mendoza
Age: 24
Height: 4' 10"
Preferred Drink: Vodka
Training Grounds: Carbondale
Overall ICRS: 3.0

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
Mendoza is no newbie to drinking competitions. I've personally watched her drink herself unconscious, wake up later, realize that she has fallen behind, and continue drinking for spite. She can throw down as much as a 12-pack if the pressures on, but even she can't deny that she's drunk after the first two. So the question isn't how drunk will she get, it's how long will she be able to keep drinking.

Boot Factor:
* * * * *
She marked her territory in three out of four bathroom's at The Condo without even trying. Ended up using a toilet seat as her pillow of choice. Woke up the next afternoon and ordered a deep dish pizza. Does it really need more explaining?

Chug Ability:
* *
Full beers are a non-issue for the light-weight New Yorker. But give her a half beer or less and watch her shine. Her technique is nothing noteworthy, but the size and overall capacity of her mouth is unparalleled.

Quarter Skills:
* *
That's the big silver coin, right? Let's face it... she's not much of a bouncer, but everybody should keep an eye on her anyway to make sure she isn't stealing all the quarters for some early Christmas shoe shopping.

Pong Ability:
*
We've never seen her play pong before, but we've seen her throw darts... Next.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
You'll never guess why they call her Mendoza. If her coordination ever catches up to her love for the game, we'll have a new ringer in this event. And even though watching her try to catch a die makes you question how she's able to dress herself in the morning, she's a true beer guy player in her own right. Don't look for skill, watch for entertainment.

Flip Ability:
* * *
Never one to back down from a challenge, this could be a key event for her. While not particularly strong in any one facet of the flip, she'll throw all humility aside for that one small chance at victory.

Intangibles:
* * * *
You'll think she's drunk before the ceremonial first beer is even cracked. Watch her play Beer Guy and you'll be downright certain. But don't expect her to throw in the towel simply because she can't count backwards from ten. She's never been that good at counting anyway. This girl is full of confidence, motivation, and drive. How is that possible? We haven't figured that part out yet. But if all goes well you can expect great things from her. Look for her to match previous lows by splitting her pants or falling down a flight of stairs.

ICRS: Baby Bird

2006-10-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

Name: Baby Bird
Age: 25
Height: 5' 6"
Preferred Drink: Vodka Tonic
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* *
There's a reason they call her Baby Bird, one drop of alcohol and she's completely gone. That doesn't mean that she can't go the whole night. She could pass out after one beer, could do so after twenty, but either way it's happening. She drinks Thelma and Loise style: 100 mph, blindfolded, and screaming toward the edge of a cliff. It's going to be messy, but you don't know when.

Boot Factor:
* * *
She's tagged her fair share of bathrooms in her day, but the real risk is the pass out. She often calmly lays down (passes out) in odd places citing, "I'm just feeling tired." Said places include my fraternity house kitchen next to a dead mouse, my mom's front lawn, the street, and a snow bank.

Chug Ability:
* * *
If you're mildy friendly with Baby Bird you know her mouth is always open and flowing with conversation, but can she reverse the flow and jam beer down that gullet? In her own mind she's the best chugger with female genatalia, and that confidence may be enough to crush the competition.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Like an old lady at the flea market she can be easily distracted by coins with states she hasn't collected, "Ohh, Colorado!" Give her space and she'll one shot time and time again, but the moment she's in danger of being clinked she panics and crumbles.

Pong Ability:
* * *
She's a decent shot, but let's face it girls are at a natural disadvantage. If you aren't handling balls on a daily basis, you just don't have the practice that other competitors do.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
Catch her sober and she's awful. Catching a die when you're shaking like Michael J. Fox is tough to do. Give her two beers and the soothing effects of alcohol give her border line man skills. She's messed with the best and come away with tales to tell. The big question: Who's her partner and how many of her beers can he drink?

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Believes she outchugged and outflipped Mayor McCheese boat racing in our garage (there's proof). With larger hands than most girls she has firm control of the cup and if that doesn't help, her intensity will. She's been known to bump losing male captains from the end of the taps line and psychs her team up with yelling, slaps, and punches. Her team is usually victorious although also bruised and emotionally broken.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Baby Bird can be a deadly pixie. One minute she'll be laughing and joking with you and next minute she'll kick you in the junk in front of a Pizza Magia, leaving you on the pavement coughing up blood and wishing for death. If you suck at life, she'll let you know instantly and keep reminding you. Like McCheese she can be easily distracted by busty women and cheese fries. As long as she avoids starting incidents that lead to her male teammates getting involved, and possibly getting stabbed, she will be a key competitor.

ICRS: Alaska

2006-09-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

Name: Alaska
Age: 25
Height: 6' 2"
Preferred Drink: Unknown
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 4.125

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * * *
If you think he's in his 8th of college only because he's an idiot, you're at least partly wrong. This crafty bastard has been training relentlessly for the last 4 years whereas the rest of us fools have moved on, found jobs, and foolishly become productive. He has an edge in this area as obvious as Liz passing gas. Make no mistake about it, he's in peak drinking condition and ready to compete.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Optimum drinking condition or not, this college drinker can vomit as much as the next guy. Fat chicks, not remembering lengthy periods of time, head-butting Golden Tee machines, and all-day hangovers are also in his drinking repertoire. He seems to be more stable at beer-only events, so don't bank on an early DQ just yet.

Chug Ability:
* * * * *
He doesn't have the sheer capacity of a Mayor McCheese. But neither does an Olympic-size swimming pool. What he does have is good speed and form, particularly in a late-inning, full boat situation. Years of "relaxing his jaw and throat" have definitely paid off.

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
Alaska is as comfortable bouncing a quarter as he is quoting 2Pac in public.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
He is nearly 26 years old and has a Beer Pong table permanently set up in his living room. Enough said. The only possible problem for him is that he's used to playing against guys that would be better suited for a dance competition than a drinking competition. Look for him to roll up the sleeves of his white undershirt and bring his 'A' game.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
No surprises here: the south-paw is a solid guy player. In the words of a one expert analyst: "A well-rounded drinker takes to the sport of Beer Guy like McCheese has taken to Rogaine." To this man, catching a die is like tying his shoe.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Years of collegiate ass-kickings have made Alaska a hardened Boat Racer. He's excellent with chug, but his motion and delivery are also very smooth. (Picture McCheese hitting on a fat chick on Valentine's Day.) That kind of smooth.

Intangibles:
* * *
Try not to be fooled by his creamy pale skin or his hairless exterior, this one actually drinks like a dude. If you can keep him from running his mouth and getting knocked the fuck out, he'd be a great addition to any team. Just be sure to wear sunglasses if you're drinking with him outdoors.

ICRS: Tina

2006-09-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

Name: Tina
Age: 25
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Parts
Unknown
Overall ICRS: 3.0

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
***
While his sheer tolerance for alcohol is not impressive on paper, Tina may be highly motivated in this area to prove to the rest of the drinking world that he doesn't sip beer like a "sissy girl."

Boot Factor:
*
Much like a battered orphan, Tina is tightly governed by the limits of his fragile stomach. On the bright side, his stomach is in good company as the rest of his organs are also frail and pathetic. It is said that when it comes to competitive drinking there are no guarantees. Our experiences have shown otherwise... Tina will boot come Nov. 24th.

Chug Ability:
*
The Buddha belly isn't fooling anyone. It would be quicker to start him on a drip IV.

Quarter Skills:
****
His speed and hand-eye coordination are on par with the rest of the field for the most part, but beware of his uncanny ability to call upon the Force and sink the "money" shot in retaliation when needed.

Pong Ability:
***
Nothing special to report on this one. He's better when he's focusing on the exact feel of the balls.

Beer Guy:
** (sober) / **** (really messed up)
You should be able to tell in the first Biz minutes whether or not he'll be a factor in this event. The die will either be under the TV set or in your cup.

Flip Ability:
*****
This is the event where he earns his back hair. Some say he's better with the flip than he is at tying his shoes. We're skeptical that's saying much however.

Intangibles:
***
On or off his game, Tina brings out the best in his teammates who take one look at him and realize they will have to carry the whole team. Assuming Tina is on his game, look for him to remove his shirt early and throw things at people until someone drops him like a small sack of potatoes. Chances are good he'll pass out in that very spot until the opening ceremonies of Beer Olympics 2007.

ICRS: Mayor McCheese

2006-09-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

Name: Mayor McCheese
Age: 25
Height: Large
Preferred Drink: Is food a drink?
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 4.0

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * * *
At 275 lbs. of nasty, sweaty, jiggling man-beef (a.k.a. Meef), you'd be a fool to think this kid can't take down a few beers. Pending any last minute hospitalizations like his 21st birthday, he should still be standing at closing ceremonies.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
While always a liability when it comes to vomiting, there isn't a player in the field who can pour as much disgusting crap into his/her system without showing any obvious effects. (Note the word "show" because you can occasionally "smell" the ill effects) His internal organs may be crying on the inside, but his chubby face will still be laughing on the outside. He looks to have limited competition in the 3 Beer Chug event, but it remains to be seen how that will affect him over the course of the remaining events.

Chug Ability:
* * * * *
It's not the two-swallows per beer from his earlier years, but even at three to four gulps McCheese won't be trailing many at the finish line. This is where he shines, and he's added about 40+ lbs. since college to reiterate that fact. We read you loud and clear, McCheese.

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
With above average hand-eye coordination and a blatant disregard for any beer penalty that awaits him, McCheese is formidable competitor in this event. But performing under pressure continues to be a sore spot for the aging veteran. When asked if he feels he can come through when it counts, McCheese had this to say: "...I kinda feel like a brick house that's been built on a foundation made of Saltine Crackers." -- McCheese is always working food into his analogies.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Almost none. We expect he'll want to take this event head on, but get vetoed by the rest of his team on grounds that he sucks. Consider him an early scratch.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
Handles the basic rules of the game with ease, but his range and arm movements are limited due to an excess of fatty cells in his upper armpits. He could be a factor if paired with a more agile and versatile teammate.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
To say he's lost a step since his college days would be an understatement. Once a rock solid anchor, McCheese currently succumbs to even the slightest bit of outside pressure. Nevertheless, that six-inch diameter expressway that he calls a throat keeps him competitive even after his fourth flip. As the pavement will attest: he's a force to reckoned with.

Intangibles:
* * *
McCheese is a true workhorse in the drinking arena. While not particularly good at any one event, he'll provide team stability in a volatile competition. If college has taught us anything, you put 120 beers on his shoulders and 8 flights of stairs in his path, and this kid is going to make some people proud. Others will almost certainly vomit. But some will be proud.

ICRS: Papa

2006-09-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

Name: Papa
Age: 25
Height: 6' 4"
Preferred Drink: Unknown
Training Grounds: Mean streets of PR
Overall ICRS: 3.0

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
***
Passing out on the couch with your shoes on and waking up with a White Castle slider stuck to the side of your head should be a good enough indication that this guy could handle his liquor better. Still, his years of serving cocktails at the local Denny's should pay dividends and bring him up to the level of a respectable female.

Boot Factor:
***
Historically, this has rarely been issue for big Papa. However, our talent scouts have indicated that this is mostly due to the fact that he has never consumed more than four beers in a single evening. Then again, he has been known to perform significantly better with wine coolers.

Chug Ability:
**
Sure, he can drink Saki with the best of them but as far as chugging beer goes... well, you might want to consider using a magnifying glass and the sun light to evaporate the beverage in a more timely fashion.

Quarter Skills:
***
Nimble with a quarter, but has a strong fear of any and all penalty beers to the point where he becomes visibly flustered. Look for him to make stupid passes in the clutch, like setting up his own teammate to clink him for the victory.

Pong Ability:
****
During his most recent performance, he carried his teammate McCheese (which, any scale well tell you, is no small feat) to an upset victory, snatching a win from the hands of far superior opponents. Reality eventually caught up with him as they lost the best-two-out-of-three series.

Beer Die/Guy:
****
His above average play at the Beer Guy table is offset by his inability to stay sober through an entire match. A talented competitor, but all bets are off after the first cup sinking or biz spit.

Flip Ability:
***
Repetitive, sloth-like motions are his nature so if he can get rolling in the first few rounds he could prove to be a valuable team member. He'll have to hope beer quantities are low so his low tolerance and inability to chug don't prove to much to compensate for in the end.

Intangibles:
**
Papa will make a lot of people proud come Olympic day. But let's face it, the gay community doesn't count for much in a drinking competition. At least one thing is certain... he won't be on my team.

ICRS: Chairman M

2006-09-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

Name: Chairman M
Age: 25
Height: 6' 4"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Champaign

Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitor Score

Tolerance:

* * * *

A beer company made the mistake of surveying Chairman M to find out weekly alcohol consumption of Champaign County. What resulted was an hour long conversation with a horrified woman including these responses, "It's hard to quantify the cups of beer that you drink during a kegstand." Glasses of champagne? Do you know how many glasses are in four bottles?" "No I said seventy not seventeen."

Boot Factor:

* * * *

Everyone spews some time in their life, but Chairman M tries to keep it to a minimum. A natural hater of reversing processes, he reserves stomach purification for extreme situations like when he eats too many people's law school applications or thinks he can walk through walls.

Chug Ability:

* * *

Give him a full boat and he's going to struggle against heavy hitters. Even with smaller amounts he's merely adequate. His true value comes in with his wiles and smarts. In the taps line, he's going to be the guy to build you back up after Baby Bird breaks you down and he'll be the first to recognize, "Hey guys, I don't think pulling our pants down has intimidated the other team."

Quarter Skills:

* * * * *

Chairman M is like a fish in water during quarters. He's ruthless with the skills to back it up. Learning the game for the first time in Milwaukee , he was able to clink another rookies glass three consecutive times. The repeated beating forced the man to reverse chug and blow foam into his hands. "Next!"

Pong Ability:

* * * * *

Being an East Coast gentleman's game, this Midwest kid didn't really discover the game until well after college. That hasn't stopped him from utter domination. Known for strapping weaker team members on his back and willing the team to victory, his only weakness is he craves the rollback so badly it causes his hand to shake and eyes to swell.

Beer Die/Guy Rating:

* * * *

In a failed attempt to drink 21 beers and 21 shots on his 21st birthday, the Chairman went standing unconscious, hitting his head on a TV, a table, and finally a soft tile floor. Three hours later, and mildly concussed, he arose to play a game of catch the middle of the three dice. His skills may have deteriorated, but his love of the game is something you can never lose.

Flip Ability:

* * * *

He gets mad if he wastes more than two flips and like a high performance auto, the more alcohol you put in, the better performance you get out.

Intangibles:

* * * * *

The Chairman's a born leader. He's convinced people to start a new civilization in between cars at SIU with nothing but four Busch Lights, a piece of week old pizza, and some doughnuts. He's recklessly cut the pub crawl time of 30 minutes per bar to 5 minutes creating a dangerous bar dash event. And he's inspired people to whip their lifeless bodies down stairs with no regards for their own safety. So yeah, you might die drinking with the Chairman, but at least you'll have a good time.

Individual Competitor Rating System (ICRS)

2006-09-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

So who's the top competitor, and what determines that? We'll have to play the games out to find the true answer, but just like any major sporting event (this is a major sporting event) we like to analyze the game before it happens. Here is what matters in the Beer Olympics.

Tolerance: This is the amount of alcohol a player can consume without becoming incapacitated. The less beer it takes you to swing wildly, talk to walls, and sleep with ugly people, the lower you tolerance rating will be. Higher rankings will go to those who can stand and still participate, though no longer technically alive, over those who immediately pass out and fall asleep.

Boot Factor: Chance you will vomit. Why does this matter? If you puke, you can't be drinking. Here's a real life example:

"I was playing Survivor Taps and it was down to two people on my tribe vs. five on theirs. They decided to destroy us and went full boats. I got the first two down, leaving two for my teamate, and then I would swoop in for the final one. We were killing the other team, but unfortunately the two beers hurt me too bad and caused beer expulsion. I had all the time in the world to kill the final beer, but couldn't do it because of the spew.

"By the time I had control of myself the other team had caught up and we lost. Had I a boot factor of five, I would have been able to finish that final beer and we would have went on to glory."

Gross enough? Just be aware of how your team boot factor comes into play.

Chug Ability: Perhaps one of the most important facets of the Beer Olympics, this is how fast you can put a beer into your body through your mouth opening. This is different from chugability -- how fast something can be chugged. Ex: Bud Light, 5 Guiness, 10 Syrup 35.

Quarter Skills: Ability to bounce a quarter into a shotglass under intense emotional strain.

Pong Ability: Ability not to suck at Beer Pong. I'm a firm believer that there is a large amount of luck involved in Beer Pong, but if you consistently can hit a spot you are aiming for, you earn a high Pong rating.

Beer Die/Guy Rating: Ability to catch, throw and otherwise handle a die while still remembering to avoid biz and buzz and keep your beer at the proper fill level.

Flip Ability: Ability to flip a cup. These are pretty obvious at this point.

Intangibles: Maybe you bring something special to the table that no one else does. More than likely you don't but we can always make something up for this category and at the very least bring up a shameful story from your past.

Beer Olympics Power Rankings

2006-09-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

Below are the current teams and their overall power rankings. Players have been rated in eight categories and then overall teams ranked based on the overall team score.

Click on a competitiors name to see their individual profile and category ratings. You will want to check back often as more teams enter for up to date overall power rankings.

Team Delicious
Chairman M
Trifecta
Tina
Nown
Baby Bird

Overall Score: 3.525

Team Englewood Jack
Chairman Horn
Mayor McCheese
Alaska
Mendoza
Jugs

Overall Score: TBD

Team Poop
Papa
Spence
Lushious
McGee
Squasi

Overall Score: TBD

Team Sizlak
Sammy
Sizlak
Tyson
Professor
Thug Life

Overall Score: TBD

Team Old Champaign
Terminator
Captain Ron
Dr. Dre
Tiff
Mystery Chick

Overall Score: TBD

Team Undergrad
Animal
The Dawg
Mr. Peepers
Secret Weapon
The Dude

Overall Score: TBD

Team Beer Muscles
Beerceps
Latisabeer Drunkguy
Esophachugus
Consumptious Maximus
Beerchugus Major

Overall Score: TBD

Team Rag Tag
Beer Girl
Goddo
Two Ply
Lusty
Donna
Overall Score: TBD

Other Profiles
Jones
Toby
Chuck Norris
Silver Bullet

Tables Are Here

2006-09-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Our tables have arrived for the Beer Olympics. Just a reminder this is how they are supposed to be used.

When negotiating for the tables I told the man selling them they were for a day care center. It didn't seem right that I explain the real reason I needed them. My last email to him included, "Thank you so much for your help. The children will love them!" It's not that inaccurate. Most of the people participating are just grown children.

The tables are short so there is going to be considerable bendage when leaning down to initially grab the cup of beer and then again to flip the cup. For some people this is a problem, "Bending! I hate bending!" But others realize the advantage of having their teammates bending over. I suggest all female competitors consider a nice V-neck shirt for the competition.

The tables are wobbly, but, as you can see, support some weight. There is a small ridge surronding the table. It's probably for preventing children's crayons from rolling off, but in our case it actually works against us. It makes flipping a bit more challenging but not too much so. In my tests I consistently was able to one and two flip.

These tables are very tossable. They are light enough that if all people on the team are trying to throw it, the tables not going too far. They are so light that if there's a strong gust of wind, there is a chance that it could go backwards. God willing.

The legs are pretty fragile, but I think that rather than breaking they'll more likely just pop out. It will make it an interesting race if people are routinely forced to put their tables back together.

The pieces are coming together. All we need are some teams.

Reason Number 232 Why We Won't Be Using Real Names

2006-09-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Because people like this are involved, pictures like this will be taken and will be posted.

Fear of Google: Who's this Dude?

2006-09-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

So, maybe you are wondering why I haven't used any real names on this site. The problem is that I would like to post some pictures of people being idiots on this site (see above). Now if I use real names, the magic of Google will find them. Clients, employers, and anyone else who cares can attach my name to the somewhat unprofessional events on this blog. Quite frankly that scares me.

But Chairman M, the above picture of Sizlak was taken at his company event.

Well, it's been proven time and time again that this kid has no shame whatsover, but maybe DGreat pictured alongside, or the homosexual kid in the corner cares. And that matters.

Beer Olympics FAQ's

2006-09-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Is this dangerous? Won't I get hurt or ill?

Probably. Beer Olympics 2006 is a hazardous physical activity. People who are nursing or pregnant should consider not participating. Anyone participating in the Beer Olympics waives all rights to sue the organizers or arena owner, Chairman Horn.

I can't field a team of five, can I still participate?

Yes. If you can't field a team of five but really want to participate, send me an email declaring this. I'll try and pair up teamless people. I'll try and do this as quickly as possible, but if we have have four teams signed up and paid before you can assemble your team you are out of luck.

Fifty bucks seems like a lot. Why so expensive?

Beer for one, food for another. But the wildcard is for the price of things like tables, the trophy, flashcards, etc... Don't worry, you're getting a good deal. Besides, who spends less than $10 drinking all day anyway?

I drink for fun not competitively. Is there a place for me?

Yes. We encourage spectators to come out and enjoy the games. There will be plenty of drinks and you'll be more than welcome to food. Just bring along $5-$10 to throw into the communal food/beverage pot.

I wish to prove the superiority of the female species, can I have a team of all girls?

Yes. The rules clearly state that each team must have two girls, but there is no stated number of dudes on a team. If you've got the balls to compete with five girls, more power to you.

I just sent you an email with all five of my team members. I'm in right?

No. Your team is locked in place when you give me cash or check in the amount of $50. This proves you are serious about competing.

Where can I find more information on this event?

For now talk to the chairmen. In the future there may be a website with pictures of the Roscoe Alexander trophy and other updates. (Note there is, you're on it)

What beer will be served?

Busch Light, or whatever is the cheapest tolerable option. This beer is to be consumed, not enjoyed.

That sucks, can't we get something better? Hey, Rolling Rock would be good! What about Mich...

No. We have to buy four tables whose sole purpose is to be hurled through the air. That hurts the budget, so cheapest tolerable option is the choice. Besides, Horn's abode cannot have anything better than Miller Light. Anything higher quality will spontaneously combust and turn to ashes. Ask Sizlak. His arm is still burnt from when he tried to bring in Sam Adam's Summer Ale.

2006 Beer Olympics Official Rules

2006-09-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

TEAMS

Teams will consist of 5 members, of which 2 must be female. Of this group one must be designated captain. Each team member must participate in a minimum of 5 events and a maximum of 6 events.

FEES

There will be a $50 fee per team to be used to cover the cost of beer, food, the Coveted Roscoe Alexander Trophy, and other necessary drinking materials. Teams must be registered and fees paid to the Event Chairman, by Saturday, November 14.

EVENT DATE AND LOCATION DETAILS

The Beer Olympics shall be held at Champions Stadium. The event will be held the Friday following Thanksgiving (November 24). Opening Ceremonies will begin promptly at 2pm.

SCORING

Each event will be awarded the following points except for the Beer Obstacle Course.

1st place: 10 points
2nd place: 7 points
3rd place: 5 points
4th place: 3 points

Beer obstacle course, as the final event, and most physically demanding, will award double points to competitors, as thus:

1st place: 20 points
2nd place: 14 points
3rd place: 10 points
4th place: 6 points

EVENTS

Beer blindfold test

Participants: Magic Tongued Team Member (1 member)
Six beers will placed in six separate party cups, leaving them devoid of any brand markings. Cups will be marked 1-6.
During Round 1, a member from each team will then attempt to identify each of these beers through taste, touch, sight, smell and sound if necessary. Team members will then write down their guesses and turn into head judge.
During Round 2, the six possibilities will be revealed to players. Tasting and guessing will then occur and papers turned into head judge.
Results will then be scored and points awarded.

Beer Die

Participants: Beer Die Team (2 members), whoever starts must finish.
Seeds will be determined by a paper scissor rock competition. Teams will then play each other tourney style to determine 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place.
Standard Marquette Beer Die rules will be used. Games will be played to biz.

Beer Pong

Participants: Beer Pong Team (2 members), whoever starts must finish.
Seeds will be determined by PSR competition. Teams will then play each other tourney style to determine 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place.
10 cups will be used in competition containing 3 beers total.
Standard rules will be followed. Bouncing results in two beers, two sinks in one turn results in a roll back.
Unless a double sink occurs, or a bounce scores on the final cup, a team with no cups remaining will have a chance for final redemption. Each team member will take their turn and continue until a cup is missed. If the team eliminates all of the opposing cups, over time will occur.
Overtime consists of three cups, one beer, and will follow standard beer pong rules as listed above.

Chug Three Beers

Participants: Sick Individuals (1 member)
Competitors will have three beers placed before them. Contestants will get an “On Your Marks. Get Set. Go.”, spoken slowly and clearly from a hot chick. On “Go”, competitors will begin placing beer into their mouths via a standard chugging motion.
Points awarded based on order of finish. Competitors are not allowed to evacuate fluids from mouth within 30 minutes of competing. Mouth evacuation during this time will result in a DQ finish.
Spilling DQ: Disqualification from the event will occur if excessive spilling occurs on either the competitor’s shirt or the floor. Excessive spilling is defined as an area that cannot entirely be covered by a CD.

Chug one beer through a straw

Participants: Team Member Who Can Suck Like No Other (1 member)
Standard straws will be provided for use. No hands are allowed.
Points awarded based on order of finish.

Speed Quarters

Participants: Entire Team (5 members)
Standard rules of speed quarters.
Seating will be determined by this method. Team A will have one member sit down. Team B will follow. Then Team C, etc… until all team members from all teams are in the ready position.
A hit money shot can be given to any player and will result in two clinks for that player.
Penalty drinks will be 1/3 of a beer.
After three clinks, player is eliminated.
Teams will be awarded points based on when their entire team is eliminated.

Taps/Boat Racing/Flippie Cup

Participants: Entire team (5 members)
Seeds will be determined by a paper scissor rock competition. Teams will then play each other tourney style in a best of three series to determine 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place.
Beer levels will be filled to a mutually agreed upon level. If one cannot be reached the standard fill will be one-quarter beer.
In the event there is a tie and a winner cannot be determined, teams will fill up two cups and the competition will occur in down in back fashion.

Drinking Memory

Participants: Non Brain Damaged Team Member (1 member)
PSR to determine order.
Competitors will play a game of memory with a standard deck of 52 cards. A pair is considered any two cards matching in number or letter. They need not match in color.
Drinking rules will be thus. 2-9, 1 drink. 10-K, 2 drinks. If the pair matches in color drinks will be distributed. If it is a non-color matching pair, drinks will be taken. Pair of Aces will result in a table waterfall. Start determined by the collector of the pair.
Points awarded based on number of pairs.

Table Game

Participants: Entire team (5 members)
Table game is the same as taps/boat racing/flippie cup, except instead of a winner being determined at the end of a round, team must pick up table and launch it across yard. Team then resets table and plays taps again. The process continues until table throw hits pole, or suspended bell.
Team will consist of four chuggers and one filler. One beer must be chugged per team, per throw. Member’s beer levels need not be equal, but successful flips must occur from each member to launch table.

Beer obstacle course

Participants: Entire Team (5 members)
Set up: A table will be set up at the north end of Champions Stadium. On the this table will be a shot glass, three quarters, two full cans of unopened beer, one half beer, 10 flashcards of simple math, and five cups of beer, three full and two half cups. Team members will stand behind the line at the south side, with Team Member 1 beginning the event wherever he chooses.
Vomiting DQ: If at any time a participant vomits, no penalty will be assessed.
The course will be as follows:
Football Toss—Before the start of the event Team Member 1 will position him/herself anywhere they wish on the field of play. On “Go” a team member will throw a football to Team Member 1. If the pass is completed Team Member 1 will run to Quarters station and begin 3 Quarters event. If the pass is incomplete, Team Member 1 must run the football back to the passer and attempt again.
3 Quarters—Team Member 1 will drink ½ of a beer. They will then attempt to bounce 3 quarters into a shot glass. When all three quarters have been successfully bounced into the shot glass they will run back to the start and tag Team Member 2.
Woman Carry—Team Member 2 will then pick up Team Member 3 (does not necessarily need to be a woman) and carry Team Member 3 to table and back to pick up unopened can of beer. If at any time Team Member 3 is dropped. Teams must restart from the spot of droppage. Team Member 3 will hand the beer to Wheelbarrow team, while Team Member 4 goes to Simple Math.
Simple Math—Once the beer has been successfully handed off, Team Member 4 will then rush to the table to compete in Simple Math. Simple Math is completed by answering 3 simple math questions in a row. Before each question can be answered a shot of beer must be taken. Once the three questions have been answered in a row, Team Member 4 will rush back to the team and tag the wheel barrow team.
Wheelbarrow—While Simple Math is being performed the Wheel Barrow team, consisting of Team Member 5 and another member, must finish the beer brought back to them from the Woman Carry. If the beer is finished at the time Simple Math makes the tag, competitors can perform the Wheelbarrow; if not they must finish the beer. Once the beer has been finished and the tag made, the wheelbarrow team will wheelbarrow style down to a post and come back. The wheelbarrow is done when the wheelbarrow person cross the line.
Final Blow—Upon the wheelbarrow crossing the line, all team members will race back to the table to compete in a the final taps event. Standard taps rules apply. Men will drink one full beer, with women drinking ½. The last cup being successfully flipped marks the finish line.

EVENT OF TIE

In the event that all events have been completed and there remains a tie for 1st place. A showdown will occur.

Team members will go one on one and compete in a game of taps. A mutually agreed upon portion of beer will be consumed. If one cannot be agreed upon, men must use one half beer, and ladies, one quarter beer.

The team with the winning member in the showdown will be awarded one point. The first team to reach three points will be declared the winner and Beer Olympics World Champion.

AWARD CEREMONY

Beer Olympic Team Champions will be awarded the Roscoe Alexander Trophy, originally awarded in 1931 for prettiest pigeon in Omaha. They will then be allowed to bask in the glory of the moment and the approval of all beer-drinking people across America.

The Inspiration

2006-09-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

Where did the Beer Olympics come from? Drawing inspiration from a Sox giveaway I quickly emailed Chairman Horn and the dream was born.

"When attending the Sox game on Saturday, they were giving away replicas of the World Series trophy. They wouldn't give me one because they are assholes (actually because I'm not a season ticket holder), but I wanted one. That got the gears in my brain going. How can I win a trophy?"

The obvious way was to hold a drinking competiton.

Plans were made to try and secure a World Series replica trophy, but those were over a $100 on eBay. Lucky for us we found a better (and cheaper!) alternative. Besides, you can't drink beer out of a World Series trophy like you can the Roscoe Alexander Trophy.

I mean look at the two, which do you think is cooler?

The Roscoe Alexander Trophy

2006-09-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

The origins of the Roscoe Alexander Trophy are shrouded in mystery. Supposedly the city of Omaha decided in 1931 to put a call for all the most beautiful of pigeons in North America. What resulted was perhaps the greatest upset in the storied history of bird showing. From the Ebay description which I'm sure is 100% accurate:

"The favorite in '31 was a stout bird from Lincoln, going by the name of Charles Weatherford. His wings were graceful, beak sharp, and plume full. No one in attendance expected a young upstart from Siox City to make a splash, but splash he did. His wings cocked back, Roscoe Alexander strutted and crowed like none before him, shaming the beautiful Weatherford and capturing the hearts and minds of the people of Omaha."

Ok, so that's all BS, but the fact is that this award was given to the prettiest pigeon in Omaha, which is pretty screwed up and now we have a trophy in which the winning team will be able to drink beer out of.

Why do we need a trophy? If it isn't evident, I'll let competitor Tina's email point out the obvious.

"I WANT TO WIN!!! (AKA) KICK ANDY'S LITTLE GIRL ASS!!!!!! THE LAST TROPHY THAT I WON WAS 3PLACE ON PARKRIDGE BASEBALL TEAM (PAINE WAS ON MY TEAM THAT YEAR) WE WON A TROPHY BUT SADLY WE COULD NOT DRINK OUT OF IT ( AND I WAS ONLY buzz teen)"

Tina always speaks from the heart and refuses to ever utter five or seven.

Beer Olympics Site

2006-09-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

This is the official site of the 2006 Beer Olympics. Check back often for updates, player profiles, and a full history of how the Beer Olympics came to be.