ICRS: Sammy

Name: Sammy
Age: 25
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Whatever you tell him to drink
Training Grounds: The Birth Canal
Overall ICRS: 3.125

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
A true student of drinking, Sammy has spent that last eight years of his life diligently examining the drinking art forms from the solitude of his parent's basement. It was here that he and his imaginary friends Paco and Elwood discovered the secret to drinking full bottles of Jaegar without dying (and only mild hallucinations). Some attribute Sammy's drinking success to a life free of society's more common distractions: women, sports, social events, etc. Others feel it's more of a spiritual connection with the underworld. Either way, assuming his mother let's him compete, the last thing you'll need to worry about is him drinking enough beer.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
As far as failing organs go, he has quite a few but his stomach isn't one of them (...yet). Intestinal issues, liver, kidneys, non-descending testicles... sure, but he maintains an iron gut. That's not to say the alcohol will have no effect on him of course. He's a definite candidate for sleeping in the neighbor's shower, underneath a parked police car, or finding his way into a comfortable tree. If you get him really messed up, he passes out with his eyes open. It's creepy.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
We're much more afraid of his talents at chugging straight out of a bottle of Goldschlager than out of a cup of beer. But think about it this way: would you cut Tiger Woods from your mini golf team?

Quarter Skills:
* * *
When you think of Sammy's special skills, you don't exactly jump straight to drinking games. You'd probably come up with something like "he's an expert at stalking waitresses" or "a true role model for aspiring carnies" first. But one thing you have to remember is that this guy spends more time drunk than he does sober. (which, for the record, is almost as much time as he spends masturbating to the Legends of Zelda) And that makes him dangerous at most any hand-eye coordination event.

Pong Ability:
* *
His shooting stroke and release are the epitome of smooth. Well, maybe not as smooth as when he told a girl that he had a crush on in high school about how he used to drive by her house all the time, but smooth nonetheless. And he's got the "straight out of the Matrix" look to complete the ensemble. Who plays beer pong with sunglasses, a pony tail, and a trench coat you ask? This guy. But unfortunately for Sammy, his mom never let throw balls in the house, so inexperience may come back to bite him in the ass.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
Sammy likes beer. Sammy likes guys. It's a match made in heaven, right? Unfortunately, God crippled Sammy in such a way that he automatically blows at anything that even resembles a competitive sport. His coordination is there, but he's lacking something. We're guessing testosterone.

Flip Ability:
* *
Getting a cup to land perfectly on its end requires a small amount of concentration and control. Sammy's drinking habits make him better suited for an event that requires elbow pads and a helmet. We expect Sammy to get rocked so hard in this category it brings back memories of Kyle G. dropping him like a bad habit in the backyard.

Intangibles:
* * *
Since he's not overly competitive in any single category, we're thinking there are some basic weaknesses to Sammy's game. Crafty opponents may try to implement distraction techniques like asking him computer questions or having female competitors fake interest in talking to him. After a few beers we expect to hear from Sammy's alter ego, Gayla the Dragon Slayer who will either try to seduce women through talks about the scalability of Unix servers or possibly turn everybody on with his coolest DDR moves.