ICRS: Goddo

Name: Goddo
Age: 25
Height: 5' 5"
Preferred Drink: Any Alcohol through a Hose
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 3.625

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
Although he has a well-documented history of drinking, Goddo's tolerance may prove to be a real-time science experiment. Years ago his drinking prowess would go unquestioned (and rightfully so) but he has since lost nearly half of his body weight and most of his manhood. Drinking now takes a back seat to other guilty pleasures, such as masturbation. Goddo hadn't seen his penis in so long he has since become completely infatuated with it. Will this affect his performance? Almost certainly. But assuming he doesn't develop any crippling chafe wounds and you can get his hand out of his pants for a few consecutive hours, we expect him to throw back a few beers without complaint.

Boot Factor:
* * *
Again, the weight loss may be an issue here. It's difficult to predict how his body will react to anything not made by Jenny Craig, but in his prime he had a stomach like a rock. Well, maybe it was more like a giant bean bag chair... but a high quality one, none of that $10.99 at Target crap. Point being, we don't expect him to spill his insides.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
In college, he used to bong an entire pitcher of beer in less than 4 seconds. So you know he's great on his knees staring up at a lengthy hose. And if you want to get a visual demonstration, he'll probably show you something similar in the back of a parking lot for $5. He's not quite as fast out of a cup, but we expect he'll give the best of competition a run for their money.

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
With a quarters shot that would even make his role model, Allen Iverson, proud... the only thing you need to worry about is him showing up to the table. Unfortunately, in that category he's been about as reliable as Tina in an arm-wrestling competition.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Although his skills in this area remain rather untested, you get the impression that he'll be pretty decent based on his above average coordination and homosexual love for NBA players.

Beer Guy:
* * * *
Even when he's "not feeling very light on his feet," Goddo is an all-star at this event. He's one of several chubby bastards that helped shape the game into what it is today (shaping himself into an amorphous blob in the process). He's lost the weight, has he lost the skill? We imagine he'll be a little rusty considering he's spent the last few years doing public service announcements for a high school radio station. And while we expect a few of the table obstacles to trip him up at first, he should put in a strong showing. And just to refresh your memory Goddo, no, you still cannot "seven" the doorbell.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
It's like riding a bicycle, you just never forget how to flip the red cup. He's more likely to forget where he left his pants after a few rounds than look bad on a flip.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Believe it or not, growing up in northern Wisconsin does have some upsides. Goddo has had more drinking experience in grade school than most other competitors have period. Just as you would never want to compete head-to-head with him in a cow-tipping tournament, Goddo should prove to be a feared competitor in the Beer Olympics. One of his greatest strengths is his veteran composure under pressure. Taking into account his fashion sense, taste in music, and most recent haircut, we attribute this to him giving up on life altogether. But seeing as he still needs to find some teammates, society's loss could be your team's gain.