The Ultimate Beer Olympics Team
Even though many of you have already assembled your teams, there are still a few out there. For you I give you my guide to assembling the ultimate Beer Olymics Team. Those of you with teams already can assess your readiness.
Like all good theories, this one comes from the world of Nintendo, specifically Nintendo Ice Hockey. Nintendo Ice Hockey was revolutionary at the time for allowing you to customize your team. Today this is standard for games in selecting everything from hair color to jersey number down to the size of a players package (Tina always selects +100 for the largest package possible). Back in 1987 you had three choices skinny guy, medium guy, and fat guy.
Now you could choose a team with all skinny and whip around the ice, skating circles around the other team, until you ran into another person and lost the puck. Or you could call upon a team of fatties which would knock the puck out of everyone's hands, but your obese body would not allow you ever skate over to the puck. The key was finding a mix of all three, and in that vein, here are what I think are the five key players to assembling a dominant Beer Olympics Team.
Skinny Skill Guy (Male)
The Skinny Skill Guy (SSG) is all about finesse. His hands are his greatest weapon as he is extremely skilled in throwing, catching, bouncing, and moving. Like a chihuahua, the SSG may be a little hyperactive, but it is this excitement that makes him so valuable. His only weakness is that his lack of body mass dooms him to a low tolerance and high likelihood of passing out in crucial moments. Current Skinny Skill Guys include Tina (the ultimate skinny skill guy), Toby, and Beer Girl.
Well Rounded Rock (Male)
The Well Rounded Rock is usually the captain of the team. As the name implies this man has both the skills and the weight to compete. He can hang with the SSG in a game of Pong or Quarters but can also stay respectable in a chugging competition. He's the leader and is expected to excel in all facets of the Beer Olympics, but will never outright dominate. Also he's about 20-30 pounds heavier than the SSG. Current well rounded rocks include Chairman M, Chairman Horn, and possibly Alaska if he's actually male.
Fat Chug Beast (Male)
The party animals of the Beer Olympics, these guys are the ones that you would least like to see topless but ironically the most likely to strip down. They can be found with letters painted on them at sub zero football games, and losing to Japanese men in hot dog eating contests. Sometimes they can be mistaken for bears, but they're men alright. They're primary function is to drink beer. Lots of it and really fast. Men will stare in awe, "I've never seen a man do that to a beer before." while women cower in fear, "I can't belive that guy smells like that." Current Fat Chug Beasts include Mayor McCheese and Captain Ron.
Peppy Cheerleader (Female)
Equivalent to the male SSG, the peppy cheerleader is one of the crucial components of a good team. As Chairman Horn has detailed the female often sturuggles to control her body when the time comes for tasks of bouncing, or throwing, or god forbid catching. Add alcohol to the mix and you are asking for a broken window or worse a crying girl. The Peppy Cheerleader has none of these problems. She has control over her appendages and can bounce, sink, and trash talk opponents into submission. But the Peppy Cheerleader is only as good as a watchful captain. Too much alcohol and she's off the cliff, leading to vulgar cursing, spilt beer, passing out, and total team breakdown. Current Peppy Cheerleaders include Baby Bird, Nown, and Mendoza.
Great Personality Chug Beast (Female)
Sadly no one on any team currently fits this profile, but for those of you not registered there's still time! The equivalent to the male Fat Chug Beast, this is a boiling pool of estrogen meant only for beer consumption and destruction. She can outdrink as many men as she can beat up, which is to say most. If you are looking for for someone think Rosie O'Donell (bonus: she's a lesbian), Kirstie Allie, or Chris Farley in the GAP sketch. "Leave me alone, I'm STARVING!"
Like all good theories, this one comes from the world of Nintendo, specifically Nintendo Ice Hockey. Nintendo Ice Hockey was revolutionary at the time for allowing you to customize your team. Today this is standard for games in selecting everything from hair color to jersey number down to the size of a players package (Tina always selects +100 for the largest package possible). Back in 1987 you had three choices skinny guy, medium guy, and fat guy.
Now you could choose a team with all skinny and whip around the ice, skating circles around the other team, until you ran into another person and lost the puck. Or you could call upon a team of fatties which would knock the puck out of everyone's hands, but your obese body would not allow you ever skate over to the puck. The key was finding a mix of all three, and in that vein, here are what I think are the five key players to assembling a dominant Beer Olympics Team.
Skinny Skill Guy (Male)
The Skinny Skill Guy (SSG) is all about finesse. His hands are his greatest weapon as he is extremely skilled in throwing, catching, bouncing, and moving. Like a chihuahua, the SSG may be a little hyperactive, but it is this excitement that makes him so valuable. His only weakness is that his lack of body mass dooms him to a low tolerance and high likelihood of passing out in crucial moments. Current Skinny Skill Guys include Tina (the ultimate skinny skill guy), Toby, and Beer Girl.Well Rounded Rock (Male)
The Well Rounded Rock is usually the captain of the team. As the name implies this man has both the skills and the weight to compete. He can hang with the SSG in a game of Pong or Quarters but can also stay respectable in a chugging competition. He's the leader and is expected to excel in all facets of the Beer Olympics, but will never outright dominate. Also he's about 20-30 pounds heavier than the SSG. Current well rounded rocks include Chairman M, Chairman Horn, and possibly Alaska if he's actually male.Fat Chug Beast (Male)
The party animals of the Beer Olympics, these guys are the ones that you would least like to see topless but ironically the most likely to strip down. They can be found with letters painted on them at sub zero football games, and losing to Japanese men in hot dog eating contests. Sometimes they can be mistaken for bears, but they're men alright. They're primary function is to drink beer. Lots of it and really fast. Men will stare in awe, "I've never seen a man do that to a beer before." while women cower in fear, "I can't belive that guy smells like that." Current Fat Chug Beasts include Mayor McCheese and Captain Ron.Peppy Cheerleader (Female)
Equivalent to the male SSG, the peppy cheerleader is one of the crucial components of a good team. As Chairman Horn has detailed the female often sturuggles to control her body when the time comes for tasks of bouncing, or throwing, or god forbid catching. Add alcohol to the mix and you are asking for a broken window or worse a crying girl. The Peppy Cheerleader has none of these problems. She has control over her appendages and can bounce, sink, and trash talk opponents into submission. But the Peppy Cheerleader is only as good as a watchful captain. Too much alcohol and she's off the cliff, leading to vulgar cursing, spilt beer, passing out, and total team breakdown. Current Peppy Cheerleaders include Baby Bird, Nown, and Mendoza.Great Personality Chug Beast (Female)
Sadly no one on any team currently fits this profile, but for those of you not registered there's still time! The equivalent to the male Fat Chug Beast, this is a boiling pool of estrogen meant only for beer consumption and destruction. She can outdrink as many men as she can beat up, which is to say most. If you are looking for for someone think Rosie O'Donell (bonus: she's a lesbian), Kirstie Allie, or Chris Farley in the GAP sketch. "Leave me alone, I'm STARVING!"
posted by Chairman M at 3:57 PM
1 Comments:
I'm worried now. Your ultimate team description matches Chairman Horn's team perfectly. They are probably going to beat the crap out of all of us. Should we even bother entering the competition?
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