Saturday, November 25, 2006


More to come...

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Last Minute Items

Couple last minute things...

1.) Make sure you are there on time tomorrow. The first event, which is a team event begins promptly at 2pm. I suggest arriving at Horn Champion Arena around 1 or 1:30. If your team is not ready to participate at 2pm, you are going to forfeit that event. That would suck.

2.) We are over budget. Appearantly $50 a team was a gross underestimation of how much it takes to hold this event. We did our best to control costs, but discounts for bulk food and drink purchase weren't as easy to come by as we had hoped. It is our hope that every competitor can throw in an additional $5 on the day of the event. Chairman M and Horn will still be in the hole, but signifigantly less so.

3.) If you don't want to be listening to Shower Mix 2 on repeat for eight hours I suggest you bring a couple burnt CDs or your Ipod. Otherwise be prepared to jam to "Barbie Girl" at least thirty times.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

We Have a Logo!

Next time you see Beer Girl, give this guy a giant hug (man hug if male). I don't know how long it took him design it, but... I mean it's beautiful.

Actually Something Serious

Let's momentarily break from dehumanizing competitors to address the issue of drunk driving. Here's our stance on it. Don't do it. It's retarded.

If you are participating in the Beer Olympics or are just an over served spectator you should plan on an alternative mode of getting home. No one needs to get a DUI (loss of license for one year), get into an accident, or kill anyone. And if you don't think drinking and driving leads to these things you are retarded. Thanksgiving weekend is one of the biggest times for alcohol related fatalities to occur on the road. Don't be one of them.

So know going in to the competition that you won't be driving home and plan for it. Here are your three options.

1.) Get a cab. Visit and see the listing of over 25 cab companies serving the area. Being near O'hare certainly has its advantages. You can take that directly home or if you don't want to take it into the city, there is a blue line stop that is a five minute cab ride from Horn Champions Stadium.

2.) Get a designated driver. If you can't afford a cab, then you are stuck looking for friends that won't drink so they can safely get you from point A to point B.

3.) Crash at Horn Champions Stadium. He's not going to be happy about it, but the arena offers six couches and over 2,000 square feet of flat indoor surface to pass out on. If all else fails, just lay down. You can figure out how to get home in the morning.

On a day when most competitors will have trouble walking, don't think that you'll be able to drive. Plan ahead and the only thing you'll have to worry about is how much it's going to hurt to do the wheelbarrow after ten beers.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

ICRS: Chairman Horn

Name: Chairman Horn
Age: 25
Height: 5’ 9"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitive Score

* * * *

Chairman Horn lives with Tina, McCheese, and Papa. The fact that not one of them has been murdered in a homicidal rage demonstrates Horn’s exceptional tolerance. But beer? Yeah that guy can’t drink worth shit.

On his last birthday he had what Doctor M, after six beers, described as, “Yeah, you probably have a brain aneurism. Too bad you couldn’t finish this bar crawl before dying.” And then he didn’t die. If you are going to stop a bar crawl due to physical trauma, you damn well better die. That’s just embarrassing.

Boot Factor:
* * * *

Chairman Horn avoids a boot, no matter how strategic, as he lacks the ability to recover well. Wiping a drool covered chin and pointing out just how red he got his eyes is typical before he announces “this is gay” and passes out. Look for him to avoid this game ending scenario at all costs.

Chug Ability:
* * * *

Horn’s chug speed is largely dependent on how much pride is involved in the game. Sure he’ll try and beat a dude, but put a chick against him and really watch him shine. This is defined by the formula: how attractive + breast size + hookupability – times made out with Tina. The higher this factor, the higher his chug speed, as defined by the graph below:

Quarter Skills:
* * * * *

Forget asking whether this game is beneath him, it is. He plays this in his sleep, but what will surely lead to disaster for his team is who he targets. It’s unappealing to lower himself to pick off skill-less girls or rookie boys. He’s going after his typical arch nemesis, McCheese, who unfortunately is on his team. Why? “That guy’s an asshole.”

Pong Ability:
* * * * *

When I think of athletes, I think of launching round objects through the air. Horn thinks of groping other men. But those who laugh at this won’t laugh long. His high school wrestling days paid off, because Horn is one of the best at cupping balls.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * * *

Physical activity, sharp mental skills, and mass drinking are crucial in the game that he was integral in building. If you’ve read the rest of this none of those leap off the page as Horn’s strong suits. But don’t be fooled - he holds the sink record on every table he’s consistently played. We can argue he just loves being on his back, but we’ll have to do it while hoping we don’t spit biz and trying to remember how many times he’s scored.

Flip Ability:
* * * *

Were this his major he’d have graduated in less than three years. Ironic since it’s exactly what kept him there five. They say Horn learned his technique in Catholic grade school when a Deacon showed him, then asked him to turn around so he could show him the technique in more depth.

His position is captain and anchor in nearly every competition, and the only thing that will move him from it is the prospect of closer proximity to a drunk coed. The other reason this may be is that chugging his one finger pour against girls looks less embarrassing. Fill him a full boat and he’ll choke worse than Toby on Sizlak. Lucky for him there’s a limit on pours and his heaven sent technique should allow him to tear through the competition.

* * *

Horn’s good deeds just don’t seem to end. Known not only for hosting the Beer Olympics, he’s also founded the “Make Old People Shovel Your Driveway” club, helped out his local Salvation Army by accepting any and all used couches, and weekly sponsors a “Who The Hell Ate My _____” symposium outside his fridge. Horn will be a solid competitor despite flagrantly charging toward incontinence the whole day.

Monday, November 20, 2006

ICRS: Chairman M (Horn Version)

Name: Chairman M
Age: 25
Height: 6' 4"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 4.25

* * * *
On one hand, the Chairman is a seasoned beer drinker who still returns to his college frat house to celebrate non-existent party holidays like "Unofficial St. Patty's Day." On the other hand, he graduated with a poetry major and recently designed a "baseball tee" as casual wear for men on Sundays. The potential is certainly there, but he'll have to "straighten" up a bit for the games if he's going to be ready for a few beers.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
As with most experienced drinkers, he's no stranger to the reverse chug. However this has been less of an issue in recent years since his drinking is often limited between trips to the Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond. But history never forgets, and we can't help but recall events like his 21st birthday where he displayed a stomach as solid as McCheese's abs.

Chug Ability:
* * *
They say slow and steady wins the race. But everyone knows that's just something McCheese's mother made up to keep him involved in youth sports. Besides, try telling that to Captain Ron as he inhales 36 ounces of beer as a warm-up before kicking the Chairman's ass in the beer chugging event. With his team sorely lacking a fat chug beast, this could be the area that makes or breaks the Chairman's Olympic dream.

Quarter Skills:
* * * * *
Baby Bird would likely be a superior draft pick if she spent as much time practicing as he does, but sadly she spends all of her free time making substantially more money than her husband. This also possibly explains why he'll lick an ashtray or drink urine for $10 and once tried to get hit by a passing jet ski so that he could sue for damages. But no matter how pathetic that may be, he's still a pretty damn good shot with a quarter.

Pong Ability:
* * * * *
I've seen this man fight a urinal because it was a Packer's fan. I've watched him knock himself unconscious on the corner of a "poorly-placed" cabinet. I've even seen him start a civilization between cars in a SIU parking lot with nothing but some beer, a slice of week-old pizza, and some donuts. But what I haven't seen is the Chairman having a bad round of Beer Pong. He's just as dangerous on the final cup as he is on the first.

Beer Die/Guy Rating:
* * * *
Once the backbone of team U of I, his spirits were crushed at the first Championship Tournament where team U of I suffered the first and only perfect game loss recorded to date. (For the record, that means the opposing team didn't even have to take a sip of beer) If he re-enters the arena he'll likely feel like he was just kicked in the balls and left for dead. And this time it won't be his wife doing it to him.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Consistency is the name of his game. He's not going to blow you out of starting gates with his chug and probably won't wow you with last second pressure flips. But he will consistently 1-2 flip all night long until the rest of the racers get bored of watching. So how do you get him off his game? You don't. He does this in his sleep. But Baby Bird can and usually does. My personal favorite is when she distracts him by picking a fight with a group of knife-wielding Mexicans: "My husband hates landscaping and can kick your ass..."

* * * * *
You wouldn't expect much from an out-of-shape poetry major. In fact, you would question his heterosexuality if he dressed a little nicer. But unlike Tina, he isn't nominating himself for Physical Specimen of the Year. His value to his team has far greater reach than sheer beer-guzzling prowess. This man brings leadership to the table. He single-handedly brought his gay fraternity up from "total loser" status to their newly-acquired "hey, these guy are a bunch of dorks but at least they drink" level. He is also credited with starting one of the most glorious annual events in the beer gaming universe: the Beer Olympics. And he couples these leadership qualities with an astute drinking intelligence.
As the son of an evil genius, he has a mental edge over all who play against him. His intellectual accolades include such works as developing the infamous "3 Pump" sex definition and the "Two Shakes - No More" urinal masturbation theory. His success is often attributed to his equally inventive father (The Roy) who wowed the world with ground-breaking experiments like "Why you should mop the floor with Coca-Cola", "How to fix your Volkswagen with duct tape and fish-tank tubing," and "I bet you could kill a man with this bottle of cheese whiz."

Friday, November 17, 2006

Why They'll Take the Roscoe Alexander Trophy

Chairman Horn was kind enough to sit down Barry Melrose style and break down these teams into pretenders and contenders. In typical Horn fashion he chose to build up before breaking down.

Team Delicious

Why They'll Win:
Nobody will show up more prepared than the Chairman's team. It's almost as if the rules of the competition were tailored specifically for him (hmm... makes you wonder?). And unless it has abandoned Tina recently, luck will almost certainly be on their side.

Why They Won't:
They are sorely lacking a Fat Chug Beast to carry the drinking load. Sure, the Chairman is a fat beast but he can't chug to save his life. If that weren't enough, they'll also need to pick up the slack while the fragile-stomached Tina spends most of his free time bent over by the bushes. Building a team with three female drinkers was a big gamble.

Team Englewood Jack

Why They'll Win:
Look under the ideal Beer Olympics Team and all they are missing is the female chug best. They also practice more than anybody on the planet, not having left their living room in the past few years. On paper they may have the strongest team in the competition.

Why They Won't:
This event is being held at Chairman Horn's house so you can expect he'll be distracted by drunk people causing trouble. "Put a coaster under that!", "Don't put that cup so close to the edge!" and "Please don't crap in my living room." And a late female substitution could cause some uncertainty for them in the team events.

Team Undergrad

Why They'll Win:
Youth is on their side. Every team member has a fully functional liver and kidneys which is a combo that's nearly unheard of in the rest of the field. And don't think for a second that their rookie status is going to affect their confidence. Sammy Sosa has low self-esteem issues next to these guys.

Why They Won't:
Inexperience is a bitch, and over-confidence in a field of your older brother's buddies isn't going to make surviving easy on them. They're going to go down hard, and I, for one, hope it gets well documented.

Team Old Champaign

Why They'll Win:
They may be pound-for-pound the largest team in the running and they have tolerances to match. We foresee them pushing for full boats every chance they get, and that could give them an edge in the later rounds.

Why They Won't:
That's an edge they're sorely going to need. If alcohol doesn't inhibit every other team in the tournament, they're in a lot of trouble. They can drink just fine, but they're simply outmatched in skill and coordination events. Ironically, they're usually too drunk to realize it.

Team Beer Muscles

Why They'll Win:
Several team members hail for central Indiana, which means they drink daily to avoid the realization that their normal lives are more boring than a John Cusack film.

Why They Won't:
The following events were not included in this year's competition: The Tractor Pull, Ride-the-Goat, and Milk 3 Cows.

Team Poop

Why They'll Win:
Do I really have to come up with something for this category? They're not going to win. Everybody knows it? Ok, fine. Papa has entered two relatively unknown male competitors into the games which offers the possibility that they could be really good at cheating and pull off a win if no one is sober enough to catch them.

Why They Won't:
This group of talentless a**clowns must have been assembled in a drunken haze. Obviously someone mistook Papa for Will Purdue and figured he could sink a few cups in pong or do something else worthwhile. I assure you this is not the case. Aside from sharing his rugged good looks, Papa has nothing on W.P.

Team Sizlak

Why They'll Win:
This group compliments each other perfectly like an Olympic bobsled team. Sammy brings an enthusiasm to the team that can only be classified as border-line creepy, while the Professor compensates for this by being generally disinterested. Sizlak loves winning but has little talent. Sammy has some skills but usually no idea what's going on or where he is. The other two are really the glue that keeps the whole team together ...and Sammy and Sizlak out of jail.

Why They Won't:
Problem #1: Sizlak is their team captain. So they picked the blind guy to steer the bobsled. Plus, we can't help but feel the Professor is a little too well-mannered to slam a beer down and throw a table across the yard.

Team Rag Tag

Why They'll Win:
For a team of friendless misfits, this group has a lot of talent. Under Beergirl's expert tutelage they'll put in a strong showing. And even though they are new to each other, every player on that team has a long history of drinking victories under their respective belts. Of course, Goddo's belt has shrunk a few sizes since then.

Why They Won't:
Their most talented player has been out of drinking condition for the past few years. Their captain currently spends his Saturday nights babysitting his girlfriend's niece. The strongest female on their team thinks Beer Guy is someone that she made a pass at on Halloween but might possibly be getting that confused with Judy Barr Topinka.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Don't Fuck Up -- Points Already at Stake

Those of you who don't have a lot of confidence might want to call or email your captain, because points are already at stake. In order to keep things organized and seeded properly all captains have been asked to fill out the Beer Olympics Player Declaration form by noon on Sunday, November 16. Failure to do so will result in a loss of four points.

Here are your captains:

Team Delicious: Chairman M
Team Englewood Jack: Chairman Horn
Team Poop: Papa
Team Sizlak: Sizlak
Team Old Champaign: Dr. Dre
Team Undergrad: Animal
Team Beer Muscles: Beerchugus Major
Team Rag Tag: Two-Ply

Team members of Teams Delicious, Englewood Jack, and Sizlak don't need to worry. Their forms are already completed.

Team Poop attempted to submit, but didn't quite understand the concept at hand. By the way I applaud team captain Papa for his quick acceptance of the new team name. I was sad to see his errors, but very pleased to see that the attachment came back as "Team Poop Player Declaration Form". Way to wear your team name with pride!

Beer Olympics Schedule

Tina has been spreading the word about the schedule and I think he slightly confused some people. Here is the schedule:

2:00 Obstacle Course Prelims (2 heats, top 2 advance to championship)
2:30 Pong and Die Prelims (8 ---> 4, 4 games)
3:30 Table Game Prelims (2 heats, top 2 advance to championship)
4:00 Beer Blidfold Test
4:30 Pong and Die Finals
5:30 Chug 2 Beers
5:45 Beer Through a Straw
6:00 Quarters


6:45 Boat Racing
7:45 Drinking Memory
8:15 Table Game Finals
8:30 Obstacle Course Finals

Basically all that is happening is that we are doing the first round of the obstacle course and table game seperated by the first two rounds of pong and die. That way we don't have two hours of consecutive beer die. It just breaks it up better.

Yes this an ambitious schedule, but we'll make it. Questions? You know where to go.

Kyle Orton Watch -- Day Two: No email from Kyle.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Chairman Horn is Exhausted

McCheese made a feeble attempt to write Chairman Horn's profile and the one thing he came back to again and again was that Horn hates people. Now I thought he was joking (not ha ha funny, more this is not true funny) but it turns out he was right. Horn hates every person in the human race. Yes, even you. He has a sick brain built for cutting people down.

But now he's exhausted. He has nothing left to give and can't push out any more profiles. I thought this was a good sign. Maybe he got all his anger out and will be open to meeting new people with a smile on his face. But that just didn't happen. Instead of losing his anger he just lost his ability to be creative with it. The last profile, which we can't publish simply read, "Fuck you. I hate you and plan to stab you with an ice pick." I mean that's just not funny. So we're giving him a rest so that he can study the breaks in the beer pong table and practice his chugging form.

In the meantime since people like McGee and my mom might cry if we didn't have daily updates to read, I've got some stuff for you.

Deemed too nice for the real profile, Horn has asked my original profile serve as a secondary one to the profile he just completed. I just posted this profile and you can view it here. Horn's meaner, more acurate profile of Chairman M will be posted sometime next week.

I need help with Horn's so if you know anything stupid that should be included send me an email or dump it into the comments section. Both of those will go up next week.

And since I've got nothing else, Tina sent me this today and it's about beer. It killed three minutes from my work day. Hopefully it does the same for you:

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m.Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
And finally......

Kyle Orton Watch -- Day One: No email from Kyle (we'll keep you posted)