Why They'll Take the Roscoe Alexander Trophy
Chairman Horn was kind enough to sit down Barry Melrose style and break down these teams into pretenders and contenders. In typical Horn fashion he chose to build up before breaking down.
Team Delicious
Why They'll Win:
Nobody will show up more prepared than the Chairman's team. It's almost as if the rules of the competition were tailored specifically for him (hmm... makes you wonder?). And unless it has abandoned Tina recently, luck will almost certainly be on their side.
Why They Won't:
They are sorely lacking a Fat Chug Beast to carry the drinking load. Sure, the Chairman is a fat beast but he can't chug to save his life. If that weren't enough, they'll also need to pick up the slack while the fragile-stomached Tina spends most of his free time bent over by the bushes. Building a team with three female drinkers was a big gamble.
Team Englewood Jack
Why They'll Win:
Look under the ideal Beer Olympics Team and all they are missing is the female chug best. They also practice more than anybody on the planet, not having left their living room in the past few years. On paper they may have the strongest team in the competition.
Why They Won't:
This event is being held at Chairman Horn's house so you can expect he'll be distracted by drunk people causing trouble. "Put a coaster under that!", "Don't put that cup so close to the edge!" and "Please don't crap in my living room." And a late female substitution could cause some uncertainty for them in the team events.
Team Undergrad
Why They'll Win:
Youth is on their side. Every team member has a fully functional liver and kidneys which is a combo that's nearly unheard of in the rest of the field. And don't think for a second that their rookie status is going to affect their confidence. Sammy Sosa has low self-esteem issues next to these guys.
Why They Won't:
Inexperience is a bitch, and over-confidence in a field of your older brother's buddies isn't going to make surviving easy on them. They're going to go down hard, and I, for one, hope it gets well documented.
Team Old Champaign
Why They'll Win:
They may be pound-for-pound the largest team in the running and they have tolerances to match. We foresee them pushing for full boats every chance they get, and that could give them an edge in the later rounds.
Why They Won't:
That's an edge they're sorely going to need. If alcohol doesn't inhibit every other team in the tournament, they're in a lot of trouble. They can drink just fine, but they're simply outmatched in skill and coordination events. Ironically, they're usually too drunk to realize it.
Team Beer Muscles
Why They'll Win:
Several team members hail for central Indiana, which means they drink daily to avoid the realization that their normal lives are more boring than a John Cusack film.
Why They Won't:
The following events were not included in this year's competition: The Tractor Pull, Ride-the-Goat, and Milk 3 Cows.
Team Poop
Why They'll Win:
Do I really have to come up with something for this category? They're not going to win. Everybody knows it? Ok, fine. Papa has entered two relatively unknown male competitors into the games which offers the possibility that they could be really good at cheating and pull off a win if no one is sober enough to catch them.
Why They Won't:
This group of talentless a**clowns must have been assembled in a drunken haze. Obviously someone mistook Papa for Will Purdue and figured he could sink a few cups in pong or do something else worthwhile. I assure you this is not the case. Aside from sharing his rugged good looks, Papa has nothing on W.P.
Team Sizlak
Why They'll Win:
This group compliments each other perfectly like an Olympic bobsled team. Sammy brings an enthusiasm to the team that can only be classified as border-line creepy, while the Professor compensates for this by being generally disinterested. Sizlak loves winning but has little talent. Sammy has some skills but usually no idea what's going on or where he is. The other two are really the glue that keeps the whole team together ...and Sammy and Sizlak out of jail.
Why They Won't:
Problem #1: Sizlak is their team captain. So they picked the blind guy to steer the bobsled. Plus, we can't help but feel the Professor is a little too well-mannered to slam a beer down and throw a table across the yard.
Team Rag Tag
Why They'll Win:
For a team of friendless misfits, this group has a lot of talent. Under Beergirl's expert tutelage they'll put in a strong showing. And even though they are new to each other, every player on that team has a long history of drinking victories under their respective belts. Of course, Goddo's belt has shrunk a few sizes since then.
Why They Won't:
Their most talented player has been out of drinking condition for the past few years. Their captain currently spends his Saturday nights babysitting his girlfriend's niece. The strongest female on their team thinks Beer Guy is someone that she made a pass at on Halloween but might possibly be getting that confused with Judy Barr Topinka.
Team Delicious
Why They'll Win:
Nobody will show up more prepared than the Chairman's team. It's almost as if the rules of the competition were tailored specifically for him (hmm... makes you wonder?). And unless it has abandoned Tina recently, luck will almost certainly be on their side.
Why They Won't:
They are sorely lacking a Fat Chug Beast to carry the drinking load. Sure, the Chairman is a fat beast but he can't chug to save his life. If that weren't enough, they'll also need to pick up the slack while the fragile-stomached Tina spends most of his free time bent over by the bushes. Building a team with three female drinkers was a big gamble.
Team Englewood Jack
Why They'll Win:
Look under the ideal Beer Olympics Team and all they are missing is the female chug best. They also practice more than anybody on the planet, not having left their living room in the past few years. On paper they may have the strongest team in the competition.
Why They Won't:
This event is being held at Chairman Horn's house so you can expect he'll be distracted by drunk people causing trouble. "Put a coaster under that!", "Don't put that cup so close to the edge!" and "Please don't crap in my living room." And a late female substitution could cause some uncertainty for them in the team events.
Team Undergrad
Why They'll Win:
Youth is on their side. Every team member has a fully functional liver and kidneys which is a combo that's nearly unheard of in the rest of the field. And don't think for a second that their rookie status is going to affect their confidence. Sammy Sosa has low self-esteem issues next to these guys.
Why They Won't:
Inexperience is a bitch, and over-confidence in a field of your older brother's buddies isn't going to make surviving easy on them. They're going to go down hard, and I, for one, hope it gets well documented.
Team Old Champaign
Why They'll Win:
They may be pound-for-pound the largest team in the running and they have tolerances to match. We foresee them pushing for full boats every chance they get, and that could give them an edge in the later rounds.
Why They Won't:
That's an edge they're sorely going to need. If alcohol doesn't inhibit every other team in the tournament, they're in a lot of trouble. They can drink just fine, but they're simply outmatched in skill and coordination events. Ironically, they're usually too drunk to realize it.
Team Beer Muscles
Why They'll Win:
Several team members hail for central Indiana, which means they drink daily to avoid the realization that their normal lives are more boring than a John Cusack film.
Why They Won't:
The following events were not included in this year's competition: The Tractor Pull, Ride-the-Goat, and Milk 3 Cows.
Team Poop
Why They'll Win:
Do I really have to come up with something for this category? They're not going to win. Everybody knows it? Ok, fine. Papa has entered two relatively unknown male competitors into the games which offers the possibility that they could be really good at cheating and pull off a win if no one is sober enough to catch them.
Why They Won't:
This group of talentless a**clowns must have been assembled in a drunken haze. Obviously someone mistook Papa for Will Purdue and figured he could sink a few cups in pong or do something else worthwhile. I assure you this is not the case. Aside from sharing his rugged good looks, Papa has nothing on W.P.
Team Sizlak
Why They'll Win:
This group compliments each other perfectly like an Olympic bobsled team. Sammy brings an enthusiasm to the team that can only be classified as border-line creepy, while the Professor compensates for this by being generally disinterested. Sizlak loves winning but has little talent. Sammy has some skills but usually no idea what's going on or where he is. The other two are really the glue that keeps the whole team together ...and Sammy and Sizlak out of jail.
Why They Won't:
Problem #1: Sizlak is their team captain. So they picked the blind guy to steer the bobsled. Plus, we can't help but feel the Professor is a little too well-mannered to slam a beer down and throw a table across the yard.
Team Rag Tag
Why They'll Win:
For a team of friendless misfits, this group has a lot of talent. Under Beergirl's expert tutelage they'll put in a strong showing. And even though they are new to each other, every player on that team has a long history of drinking victories under their respective belts. Of course, Goddo's belt has shrunk a few sizes since then.
Why They Won't:
Their most talented player has been out of drinking condition for the past few years. Their captain currently spends his Saturday nights babysitting his girlfriend's niece. The strongest female on their team thinks Beer Guy is someone that she made a pass at on Halloween but might possibly be getting that confused with Judy Barr Topinka.
posted by Chairman M at 4:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home