ICRS: Captain Ron

Name: Captain Ron
Age: 25
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Anything Alcoholic
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.625


Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Captain Ron is what is known as a Devolving Drunk. You can actually see the evolution of man working in reverse. You may think that stripping to boxers and walking on all fours is a drinking disadvantage, but throwing off the shackles of Homo Erectus is where Ron really hits his drinking stride.

Boot Factor:
* *
Captain Ron is a human garbage disposal. In a place where it's risky enough to drink the beer (Kam's) he willingly chugged a pitcher of blended duck eggs, squid, and God knows what else. No matter what you've got he'll get it down, the caveat being that once it's down it's probably coming back up. Don't be shocked to see Ron make a mess. He's the guy who once opined, "If you throw up into your hand and throw it on the ground, you won't have to leave the taps table."

Chug Ability:
* * * * *
Ron in his prime could have beat McCheese in his. He's that good. Sadly, this matchup never occurred. They'll compete now, but it's like old Jordan vs. old Bird. Sure you'll see flashes of brilliance, but it just isn't the same. (Chairman Horn Edit: This Ron beating McCheese in a chug is purely hypothetical. Opinion, not fact.)

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
Ron's good at quarters, and since there's no better place to add this…Ron creates destruction. Whether it's cookies, guacamole, or a cup of someone else's urine, when Ron's drunk and you notice a substance you don't want on you, here's two simple words to remember. Get. Away.

Pong Ability:
* *
"Did I ever tell you about how I played basketball in the seventh grade…" Yeah. About a million times. And if you ever hit the hook shot after you tell that story or your knee didn't always suddenly and randomly collapse, I'd have more confidence in your Pong abilities.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
"I play like a mantis." I have no idea what he means, but Captain Ron's a pretty solid competitor. He knows how to throw. He knows how to catch. And if you sink him he'll have finished his beer, spit biz, and finished another before you're done writing your name underneath the table. Way to take the fun out of the game, asshole.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
As a five year old, Ron looked forward to the times he had the flu and could take his Robitussin and flip the tiny cup. If taps were a Division 1-A sport, he wouldn't have paid a dime for college.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Did you know there are aliens amongst us or that man never really landed on the moon? Captain Ron does. Ron stays up to date with all the leading theories of pseudo-science. Right now he's working on how to chug a beer and pants you simultaneously using only his mind. Should be perfected by November 24th.