Tuesday, November 21, 2006

ICRS: Chairman Horn

Name: Chairman Horn
Age: 25
Height: 5’ 9"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *

Chairman Horn lives with Tina, McCheese, and Papa. The fact that not one of them has been murdered in a homicidal rage demonstrates Horn’s exceptional tolerance. But beer? Yeah that guy can’t drink worth shit.

On his last birthday he had what Doctor M, after six beers, described as, “Yeah, you probably have a brain aneurism. Too bad you couldn’t finish this bar crawl before dying.” And then he didn’t die. If you are going to stop a bar crawl due to physical trauma, you damn well better die. That’s just embarrassing.

Boot Factor:
* * * *

Chairman Horn avoids a boot, no matter how strategic, as he lacks the ability to recover well. Wiping a drool covered chin and pointing out just how red he got his eyes is typical before he announces “this is gay” and passes out. Look for him to avoid this game ending scenario at all costs.

Chug Ability:
* * * *

Horn’s chug speed is largely dependent on how much pride is involved in the game. Sure he’ll try and beat a dude, but put a chick against him and really watch him shine. This is defined by the formula: how attractive + breast size + hookupability – times made out with Tina. The higher this factor, the higher his chug speed, as defined by the graph below:






Quarter Skills:
* * * * *

Forget asking whether this game is beneath him, it is. He plays this in his sleep, but what will surely lead to disaster for his team is who he targets. It’s unappealing to lower himself to pick off skill-less girls or rookie boys. He’s going after his typical arch nemesis, McCheese, who unfortunately is on his team. Why? “That guy’s an asshole.”

Pong Ability:
* * * * *

When I think of athletes, I think of launching round objects through the air. Horn thinks of groping other men. But those who laugh at this won’t laugh long. His high school wrestling days paid off, because Horn is one of the best at cupping balls.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * * *

Physical activity, sharp mental skills, and mass drinking are crucial in the game that he was integral in building. If you’ve read the rest of this none of those leap off the page as Horn’s strong suits. But don’t be fooled - he holds the sink record on every table he’s consistently played. We can argue he just loves being on his back, but we’ll have to do it while hoping we don’t spit biz and trying to remember how many times he’s scored.

Flip Ability:
* * * *

Were this his major he’d have graduated in less than three years. Ironic since it’s exactly what kept him there five. They say Horn learned his technique in Catholic grade school when a Deacon showed him, then asked him to turn around so he could show him the technique in more depth.

His position is captain and anchor in nearly every competition, and the only thing that will move him from it is the prospect of closer proximity to a drunk coed. The other reason this may be is that chugging his one finger pour against girls looks less embarrassing. Fill him a full boat and he’ll choke worse than Toby on Sizlak. Lucky for him there’s a limit on pours and his heaven sent technique should allow him to tear through the competition.

Intangibles:
* * *

Horn’s good deeds just don’t seem to end. Known not only for hosting the Beer Olympics, he’s also founded the “Make Old People Shovel Your Driveway” club, helped out his local Salvation Army by accepting any and all used couches, and weekly sponsors a “Who The Hell Ate My _____” symposium outside his fridge. Horn will be a solid competitor despite flagrantly charging toward incontinence the whole day.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's about time Horn's profile showed up.

7:13 AM  

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