ICRS: Chairman M (Horn Version)

Name: Chairman M
Age: 25
Height: 6' 4"
Preferred Drink: Busch Light
Training Grounds: Champaign

Overall ICRS: 4.25

Individual Competitor Score

Tolerance:

* * * *

On one hand, the Chairman is a seasoned beer drinker who still returns to his college frat house to celebrate non-existent party holidays like "Unofficial St. Patty's Day." On the other hand, he graduated with a poetry major and recently designed a "baseball tee" as casual wear for men on Sundays. The potential is certainly there, but he'll have to "straighten" up a bit for the games if he's going to be ready for a few beers.

Boot Factor:

* * * *

As with most experienced drinkers, he's no stranger to the reverse chug. However this has been less of an issue in recent years since his drinking is often limited between trips to the Home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond. But history never forgets, and we can't help but recall events like his 21st birthday where he displayed a stomach as solid as McCheese's abs.

Chug Ability:

* * *

They say slow and steady wins the race. But everyone knows that's just something McCheese's mother made up to keep him involved in youth sports. Besides, try telling that to Captain Ron as he inhales 36 ounces of beer as a warm-up before kicking the Chairman's ass in the beer chugging event. With his team sorely lacking a fat chug beast, this could be the area that makes or breaks the Chairman's Olympic dream.

Quarter Skills:

* * * * *

Baby Bird would likely be a superior draft pick if she spent as much time practicing as he does, but sadly she spends all of her free time making substantially more money than her husband. This also possibly explains why he'll lick an ashtray or drink urine for $10 and once tried to get hit by a passing jet ski so that he could sue for damages. But no matter how pathetic that may be, he's still a pretty damn good shot with a quarter.

Pong Ability:

* * * * *

I've seen this man fight a urinal because it was a Packer's fan. I've watched him knock himself unconscious on the corner of a "poorly-placed" cabinet. I've even seen him start a civilization between cars in a SIU parking lot with nothing but some beer, a slice of week-old pizza, and some donuts. But what I haven't seen is the Chairman having a bad round of Beer Pong. He's just as dangerous on the final cup as he is on the first.

Beer Die/Guy Rating:

* * * *

Once the backbone of team U of I, his spirits were crushed at the first Championship Tournament where team U of I suffered the first and only perfect game loss recorded to date. (For the record, that means the opposing team didn't even have to take a sip of beer) If he re-enters the arena he'll likely feel like he was just kicked in the balls and left for dead. And this time it won't be his wife doing it to him.

Flip Ability:

* * * *

Consistency is the name of his game. He's not going to blow you out of starting gates with his chug and probably won't wow you with last second pressure flips. But he will consistently 1-2 flip all night long until the rest of the racers get bored of watching. So how do you get him off his game? You don't. He does this in his sleep. But Baby Bird can and usually does. My personal favorite is when she distracts him by picking a fight with a group of knife-wielding Mexicans: "My husband hates landscaping and can kick your ass..."

Intangibles:

* * * * *

You wouldn't expect much from an out-of-shape poetry major. In fact, you would question his heterosexuality if he dressed a little nicer. But unlike Tina, he isn't nominating himself for Physical Specimen of the Year. His value to his team has far greater reach than sheer beer-guzzling prowess. This man brings leadership to the table. He single-handedly brought his gay fraternity up from "total loser" status to their newly-acquired "hey, these guy are a bunch of dorks but at least they drink" level. He is also credited with starting one of the most glorious annual events in the beer gaming universe: the Beer Olympics. And he couples these leadership qualities with an astute drinking intelligence.

As the son of an evil genius, he has a mental edge over all who play against him. His intellectual accolades include such works as developing the infamous "3 Pump" sex definition and the "Two Shakes - No More" urinal masturbation theory. His success is often attributed to his equally inventive father (The Roy) who wowed the world with ground-breaking experiments like "Why you should mop the floor with Coca-Cola", "How to fix your Volkswagen with duct tape and fish-tank tubing," and "I bet you could kill a man with this bottle of cheese whiz."