ICRS: Jones

Name: Jones
Age: 26
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Hawkeye Vodka
Training Grounds: Iowa City
Overall ICRS: 2.95

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* *
Technically he's an overweight, ex-football playing, Iowa grad who now resides in America's Playground. ...Yet further evidence that you can't judge a book by its cover. While this may sound like an ideal pick-up for your drinking team, we want to clear up any myths that he started right now. This guy cannot drink. Medically, we're not sure why. But his tolerance is on par with most newborn infants. We expect his mother to go higher up in the draft order.

Boot Factor:
*
It is rare that a single player accumulates such impressive statistics over a drinking career, but Jones holds a lifetime .500 vomiting average when visiting friends out of state. A Jones vomit is similar to asking McCheese if he's hungry: it's just assumed. And despite his pudgy exterior, underneath the inner-tube of a waistline must be some actual muscle because he can project his lunch, breakfast, or dinner distances up to 15 feet.

Chug Ability:
* * * (on the way down) / * * * * (on the way back up)
On the first beer or two Jones can chug as well as the next guy. There's a noticeable drop off after that. What's much more impressive is his reverse-chug.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
His chubby fingers make it difficult to grab and control a quarter. His protrusive gut makes it difficult for him to see his feet. (That doesn't have anything to do with this event, but it's still true) Look for him to spend more time formulating excuses than sinking the shot glass.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Naturally uncoordinated, this is not his best event either. A good partner will keep an eye out for his throws landing in their own cups. At this point, we can only hope he doesn't break out his left-handed "hook" shot. But his ugly form may be enough to distract the opposition or get them laughing so hard they can't aim.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
Jones is the last person to admit when he's outmatched, but he's no stranger to the game of guy. Enough so that he's countless lessons in humility should be plenty for him to gracefully bow out of this event. ...and run for the hills.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Considering the amount of trash he will talk during the course of this event, Jones would like everyone to believe he flips cups for a living. But this obviously isn't the case as that would mean he has a job. In his defense, he does have the skills to land a cup on occasion (supposing the wind isn't too strong, the sun isn't in his eye, his hand isn't broken, he's not on medication, and he isn't laughing too hard from his performance in the last round).

Intangibles:
* * * *
His confidence is unmatched and so are his socks. He'll walk into each and every event "knowing" he has a shot at victory, regardless of whether or not reality agrees with him. We're not expecting much from this broken-down competitor, but look for an him to give the ladies a run for their money and perhaps even brief moments of manhood will peak through.