ICRS: Silver Bullet

Name: Silver Bullet
Age: Age predates birth certificates, best guess based on appearance...504
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Mead
Training Grounds: Troy
Overall ICRS: 2.875

Individual Competitive Score

First things first... you're all lucky that this is a drinking competition and not a beauty pageant. Can you say "Game Over?"

Tolerance:
* * *
This guy was around when they invented beer. Of course back then they simply called it "breakfast." In fact, he originally considered starting his own brewery before deciding that strategically shipping beer all over the world was his true calling. Let it be known that you can only spend so much cash on furnishing your house and taking vacations. Eventually you just sit down and get drunk.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Old people don't boot. It's just wrong. We're not 100% sure at what age you make that transition, but once you have gray hair, false teeth, and a 1960's ice cream parlor in your basement... we're pretty confident you're there.

Chug Ability:
* * *
His wife is the true heavy-hitter of the family. She can throw back a glass of champagne before the cork hits the floor. But like most women, her tolerance limits her from true glory. That's where the Silver Bullet steps in with a sixer of Special Ex, a goofy grin on his face, and calmly says "Let's do this." And it doesn't end there. Once he takes you down, he owns you. You'll be moving furniture around his house for the next few decades, not even remembering why it is you owe him in the first place.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Things were a little different back in the days when the Silver Bullet started playing Quarters. Back then, a case of beer only cost you a nickel, so if the quarter slid off the table and landed underneath the refrigerator you and your buddies weren't drinking for the rest of the month. But that doesn't make him a slouch. Bring him a fishing pole, some silly puddy, a tin can, and three mattress springs and ask him to show you his infamous "Triple-Lindy" shot.

Pong Ability:
* * *
According to the Silver Bullet, pong is the poor man's drinking game. He prefers full-court Beer Tennis at the local country club. Watch out, he's got a wicked backhand.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
We're not going to lie. He's probably not much of a guy player. But what is he going to do... let Tina or McCheese show him up? Silver Bullet don't think so. And he (and Mr. T) pities the fool that does.

Flip Ability:
* * *
If you were thinking about knocking this old man down a notch with some head-to-head boat racing, think again. It's scary enough that he refers to the event as yacht racing, but he also happens to be a mathematical anomaly with the flip. As one analyst reported: "It would be over before it even started. You probably wouldn't even see him, there would just be a flash of gray lightning and some ringing in your ears before you realized that his cup is sitting on the table upside-down and your pants are mysteriously around your ankles."

Intangibles:
* *
So what does Tina think about some potential competition from his father?

"You don't teach an old dog new tricks. You know what you do to an old dog? You put him down." Harsh words from the soft and squishy competitor. But he does make a valid point.

Pessimists may say, "Hey, this guy is old. Real old. He can't possibly compete in a drinking competition with a bunch of collegiate-aged hooligans." And this may be true. Sure, he's old. He may even seem senile at times. But does that make him dead or incapable of performing? As best we can tell, only below the waist.

And we can't help but think he may have some added motivation in competing against a younger generation. The man is quickly nearing death and has few other events in life to look forward to. Why not go out with a bang at the Beer Olympics? ...Well, luckily for us, the retirement home doesn't issue weekend passes for Olympic hopefuls. He'll likely be sitting this one out in his rocking chair, imagining what could have been.