ICRS: Two-Ply (T.P.)

Name: Two-Ply
Age: 25
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Beer
Training Grounds:
Overall ICRS: 3.375

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Growing up with two gay fathers helped turn him off of umbrella drinks at an early age. To their dismay, he's taken to beer like Tina in an all-male prison. And not just any beer... cheap beer. Old-Style, Hams, Blatz, you name it... serve it up warm and watch him shine. After about ten beers or so he may look at you with these eyes that make you think he's staring at the back of your skull, but we're pretty confident he does that sober, so don't worry about it.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
He has slept on Horn's couch, used the upstairs bathroom, and eaten leftovers out of the fridge in the same weekend. This man is either partially blind or has a stomach made of stone. Or both.

Chug Ability:
* * *
We have yet to see him really chug full brews for speed, but he'll throw back a half beer penalty cup with ease so we expect he'll be above average with the chug. Then again, working at the nation's largest homosexually-held logistics company could be slowly chipping away at his man skills.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Have you ever seen Steven Seagal run? Have you ever seen McCheese squeeze into size-32 shorts? Have you ever heard Tina serenade a woman to "Can you feel the love tonight?" We have. And they're not pretty. We're betting you can add Two-Ply's quarter shot to this list.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
No newbie to this event, Two-Ply has been honing his skills for years in college while earning a degree in hair design. He probably won't blow the game wide open with five sinks in a row and he certainly won't be much of a threat for a trademark-Tina "off-the-ceiling-fan off-the-refrigerator" style sinker, but he does offer consistency. Look for that bastard to sneak a bounce shot past you when you least expect it. Then look for me to counter by giving him the finger.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
A newcomer to Beer Guy and so far we applaud his enthusiasm and effort. It was initially thought that he could carry on as the next big promoter of the game, until we realized that it sounds like he wants to give you a hot oil massage when he asks if you want to play a game of guy.

Flip Ability:
* * *
If you ask him he'll tell you he's money with the flip, but we don't think he fully appreciates the talent and years of experience that he's up against. In an event so competitive that a 95 lb female gets yelled at for 2-flipping (by another light-weight female), he'll be lucky to avoid the embarrassment of being singled out and ridiculed.

Intangibles:
* * *
Now we've all heard the criticisms: "Hey, he's not fat enough to stand a chance in this field" or "He's probably worked out in the last decade, isn't that cheating?" We don't think it will matter one way or the other. In our eyes, he's still just a promising rookie. We expect the Beer Olympics to be a firm lesson in humility for the young lass. He's looking forward to competing, but the whole experience will likely bring back awkward memories of standing naked in the men's locker room as a small child. He's just a boy among men.