ICRS: Sizlak

Name: Sizlak
Age: 25
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Skoal Vodka, but only if he has to pay $600 a bottle for table service in Vegas
Training Grounds: Big Easy
Overall ICRS: 2.875

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
There was a time long ago when Sizlak's drinking abilities were near legendary. He was pretty much the Michael Jordan of his first AA group. But time has taken its toll on the pathetic southern hick. Unfortunately Sizlak can't seem to come to terms with reality. But his childish attempts to distract you from the truth with his sequined pink sports coat and spandex biker shorts aren't fooling anyone. Maybe he just needs a juicebox and a hug?

Boot Factor:
* * * * *
He drives a truck. He doesn't puke. Puking is for wusses. (He'd rather bow out and save face than compete on the same level as everyone and realize he doesn't quite measure up to Tina while drinking.)

Chug Ability:
* *
High rollers don't chug. They buy shots. In fact, who wants a shot?

Quarter Skills:
* *
Sizlak barely knows what a quarter is. He hasn't seen a quarter since he achieved "high-roller" status back in high school. But if the point of the game was to bounce crumpled up $100 bills into a shot glass... he would be untouchable.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Throwing a ping pong ball into a cup of beer may seem childish when compared to making million dollar realestate acquisitions. But don't be surprised if the "big" man breaks into tears and whimpers for his "mama" after a few humiliating rounds. He may need to take that sleeveless flannel off and use it as a diaper after we're done with him.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
Expect him to wear sunglasses to the table to hide the fear in his eyes if he enters this competition. Actually, expect him to wear sunglasses anyway because he's a fucking idiot.

Flip Ability:
* * *
We expect Sizlak to be about as smooth with the flip as he is with the ladies. That is, look for him to remove his shirt, walk into the middle of Addison Ave., and scream and passing cars about how beautiful he is until the cup eventually caves in and turns over.

Intangibles:
* *
Despite his high-roller status, years of drinking, and highly-attune arrogance, Sizlak brings relatively little to the table in the world of competitive drinking. We're hoping at the very least he springs for pizza and keeps his mouth shut.