ICRS: Sammy

Name: Sammy
Age: 25
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Whatever you tell him to drink
Training Grounds: The Birth Canal
Overall ICRS: 3.125

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
A true student of drinking, Sammy has spent that last eight years of his life diligently examining the drinking art forms from the solitude of his parent's basement. It was here that he and his imaginary friends Paco and Elwood discovered the secret to drinking full bottles of Jaegar without dying (and only mild hallucinations). Some attribute Sammy's drinking success to a life free of society's more common distractions: women, sports, social events, etc. Others feel it's more of a spiritual connection with the underworld. Either way, assuming his mother let's him compete, the last thing you'll need to worry about is him drinking enough beer.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
As far as failing organs go, he has quite a few but his stomach isn't one of them (...yet). Intestinal issues, liver, kidneys, non-descending testicles... sure, but he maintains an iron gut. That's not to say the alcohol will have no effect on him of course. He's a definite candidate for sleeping in the neighbor's shower, underneath a parked police car, or finding his way into a comfortable tree. If you get him really messed up, he passes out with his eyes open. It's creepy.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
We're much more afraid of his talents at chugging straight out of a bottle of Goldschlager than out of a cup of beer. But think about it this way: would you cut Tiger Woods from your mini golf team?

Quarter Skills:
* * *
When you think of Sammy's special skills, you don't exactly jump straight to drinking games. You'd probably come up with something like "he's an expert at stalking waitresses" or "a true role model for aspiring carnies" first. But one thing you have to remember is that this guy spends more time drunk than he does sober. (which, for the record, is almost as much time as he spends masturbating to the Legends of Zelda) And that makes him dangerous at most any hand-eye coordination event.

Pong Ability:
* *
His shooting stroke and release are the epitome of smooth. Well, maybe not as smooth as when he told a girl that he had a crush on in high school about how he used to drive by her house all the time, but smooth nonetheless. And he's got the "straight out of the Matrix" look to complete the ensemble. Who plays beer pong with sunglasses, a pony tail, and a trench coat you ask? This guy. But unfortunately for Sammy, his mom never let throw balls in the house, so inexperience may come back to bite him in the ass.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
Sammy likes beer. Sammy likes guys. It's a match made in heaven, right? Unfortunately, God crippled Sammy in such a way that he automatically blows at anything that even resembles a competitive sport. His coordination is there, but he's lacking something. We're guessing testosterone.

Flip Ability:
* *
Getting a cup to land perfectly on its end requires a small amount of concentration and control. Sammy's drinking habits make him better suited for an event that requires elbow pads and a helmet. We expect Sammy to get rocked so hard in this category it brings back memories of Kyle G. dropping him like a bad habit in the backyard.

Intangibles:
* * *
Since he's not overly competitive in any single category, we're thinking there are some basic weaknesses to Sammy's game. Crafty opponents may try to implement distraction techniques like asking him computer questions or having female competitors fake interest in talking to him. After a few beers we expect to hear from Sammy's alter ego, Gayla the Dragon Slayer who will either try to seduce women through talks about the scalability of Unix servers or possibly turn everybody on with his coolest DDR moves.

Congratulations Matrix Sammy!

Maybe you know this guy, but more than likely not. I picture a man going to 7-11 for some Diet Coke and pretzels only to have Matrix Sammy swoop in from no where.

So with 32% of the vote he's in. Thanks to everyone from around the nation who voted. I find it very appropriate that it's Halloween when the Sammy Challenge comes to a close. Knowing this guy could be lurking in the shadows is enough to strike fear into even the bravest of hearts.

Halloween is Here!

Which means skanky costumes for women and dressing as women for men. Suprisingly I noticed these trends less than usual. Maybe I'm getting too old for Halloween.

Baby Bird and I went couples style as Roman/Greek people/gods depending on who we talked to. Basically it was easy to make togas. I still wish I had kept my pirate costume streak alive.

I thought Tina put a nice look together as Richard Simmons, although the shorts could have been shorter to step up the look (note I'm not gay). It was amusing to watch the building of the Liger and the subsequent destruction of it as it continued to get drunk. PETA would not have approved.

As always there were some clever costumes. My favorites were the guy dressed as Judy Bar Topinka and the disgusting Bar of Soap with Pubic Hairs. Truly a tour de force. Unfortunately I have no photos of this. I do pictures of this guy though, who sadly could find no one to accept a donation.

Pretty solid party. After last year I had my doubts as to wether Chicago could ever equal Champaign in terms of Halloween greatness. It can't but this party proved it can still be a lot of fun.

I'd like to think we were the life of the party, but I'm guessing we were identified closer as "those problem drinkers who wouldn't leave the boatracing table." But we met many friends this way including the witch who Baby Bird called out as "not focused enough", a hot dog, and a minion of Satan named Cliff. Even Borat got drunk, though this is not unusual.

Chairman Horn and myself exhibited domination at boat racing, but when I shamefully lost to my wife, Horn was honorable enough to earn my pants back for me. Thanks Chairman Horn.

One disturbing trend from this party was the lack of outright skanky costumes. We had some borderline sexy costumes, but that's not what people like McCheese was looking for. Clever costumes seemed to be the choice. Maybe we hang out with too many smart girls and not enough hos. Case in point, Me in a Nutshell, Liger, Partly Cloudy with a chance of Rain, Aphrodite, and Velma.

But don't worry there was plenty of shame. What exactly are you doing with your tail there Liger?

Anyone else have some good Halloween shots? I'd love to post them along with a story.

Vote for Sammy!

Don't forget that Monday is the last day in the great Sammy challenge.

Cast your vote today!

The Ultimate Beer Olympics Team

Even though many of you have already assembled your teams, there are still a few out there. For you I give you my guide to assembling the ultimate Beer Olymics Team. Those of you with teams already can assess your readiness.

Like all good theories, this one comes from the world of Nintendo, specifically Nintendo Ice Hockey. Nintendo Ice Hockey was revolutionary at the time for allowing you to customize your team. Today this is standard for games in selecting everything from hair color to jersey number down to the size of a players package (Tina always selects +100 for the largest package possible). Back in 1987 you had three choices skinny guy, medium guy, and fat guy.

Now you could choose a team with all skinny and whip around the ice, skating circles around the other team, until you ran into another person and lost the puck. Or you could call upon a team of fatties which would knock the puck out of everyone's hands, but your obese body would not allow you ever skate over to the puck. The key was finding a mix of all three, and in that vein, here are what I think are the five key players to assembling a dominant Beer Olympics Team.

Skinny Skill Guy (Male)
The Skinny Skill Guy (SSG) is all about finesse. His hands are his greatest weapon as he is extremely skilled in throwing, catching, bouncing, and moving. Like a chihuahua, the SSG may be a little hyperactive, but it is this excitement that makes him so valuable. His only weakness is that his lack of body mass dooms him to a low tolerance and high likelihood of passing out in crucial moments. Current Skinny Skill Guys include Tina (the ultimate skinny skill guy), Toby, and Beer Girl.

Well Rounded Rock (Male)
The Well Rounded Rock is usually the captain of the team. As the name implies this man has both the skills and the weight to compete. He can hang with the SSG in a game of Pong or Quarters but can also stay respectable in a chugging competition. He's the leader and is expected to excel in all facets of the Beer Olympics, but will never outright dominate. Also he's about 20-30 pounds heavier than the SSG. Current well rounded rocks include Chairman M, Chairman Horn, and possibly Alaska if he's actually male.

Fat Chug Beast (Male)
The party animals of the Beer Olympics, these guys are the ones that you would least like to see topless but ironically the most likely to strip down. They can be found with letters painted on them at sub zero football games, and losing to Japanese men in hot dog eating contests. Sometimes they can be mistaken for bears, but they're men alright. They're primary function is to drink beer. Lots of it and really fast. Men will stare in awe, "I've never seen a man do that to a beer before." while women cower in fear, "I can't belive that guy smells like that." Current Fat Chug Beasts include Mayor McCheese and Captain Ron.

Peppy Cheerleader (Female)
Equivalent to the male SSG, the peppy cheerleader is one of the crucial components of a good team. As Chairman Horn has detailed the female often sturuggles to control her body when the time comes for tasks of bouncing, or throwing, or god forbid catching. Add alcohol to the mix and you are asking for a broken window or worse a crying girl. The Peppy Cheerleader has none of these problems. She has control over her appendages and can bounce, sink, and trash talk opponents into submission. But the Peppy Cheerleader is only as good as a watchful captain. Too much alcohol and she's off the cliff, leading to vulgar cursing, spilt beer, passing out, and total team breakdown. Current Peppy Cheerleaders include Baby Bird, Nown, and Mendoza.

Great Personality Chug Beast (Female)
Sadly no one on any team currently fits this profile, but for those of you not registered there's still time! The equivalent to the male Fat Chug Beast, this is a boiling pool of estrogen meant only for beer consumption and destruction. She can outdrink as many men as she can beat up, which is to say most. If you are looking for for someone think Rosie O'Donell (bonus: she's a lesbian), Kirstie Allie, or Chris Farley in the GAP sketch. "Leave me alone, I'm STARVING!"

ICRS: Goddo

Name: Goddo
Age: 25
Height: 5' 5"
Preferred Drink: Any Alcohol through a Hose
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 3.625

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
Although he has a well-documented history of drinking, Goddo's tolerance may prove to be a real-time science experiment. Years ago his drinking prowess would go unquestioned (and rightfully so) but he has since lost nearly half of his body weight and most of his manhood. Drinking now takes a back seat to other guilty pleasures, such as masturbation. Goddo hadn't seen his penis in so long he has since become completely infatuated with it. Will this affect his performance? Almost certainly. But assuming he doesn't develop any crippling chafe wounds and you can get his hand out of his pants for a few consecutive hours, we expect him to throw back a few beers without complaint.

Boot Factor:
* * *
Again, the weight loss may be an issue here. It's difficult to predict how his body will react to anything not made by Jenny Craig, but in his prime he had a stomach like a rock. Well, maybe it was more like a giant bean bag chair... but a high quality one, none of that $10.99 at Target crap. Point being, we don't expect him to spill his insides.

Chug Ability:
* * * *
In college, he used to bong an entire pitcher of beer in less than 4 seconds. So you know he's great on his knees staring up at a lengthy hose. And if you want to get a visual demonstration, he'll probably show you something similar in the back of a parking lot for $5. He's not quite as fast out of a cup, but we expect he'll give the best of competition a run for their money.

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
With a quarters shot that would even make his role model, Allen Iverson, proud... the only thing you need to worry about is him showing up to the table. Unfortunately, in that category he's been about as reliable as Tina in an arm-wrestling competition.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Although his skills in this area remain rather untested, you get the impression that he'll be pretty decent based on his above average coordination and homosexual love for NBA players.

Beer Guy:
* * * *
Even when he's "not feeling very light on his feet," Goddo is an all-star at this event. He's one of several chubby bastards that helped shape the game into what it is today (shaping himself into an amorphous blob in the process). He's lost the weight, has he lost the skill? We imagine he'll be a little rusty considering he's spent the last few years doing public service announcements for a high school radio station. And while we expect a few of the table obstacles to trip him up at first, he should put in a strong showing. And just to refresh your memory Goddo, no, you still cannot "seven" the doorbell.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
It's like riding a bicycle, you just never forget how to flip the red cup. He's more likely to forget where he left his pants after a few rounds than look bad on a flip.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Believe it or not, growing up in northern Wisconsin does have some upsides. Goddo has had more drinking experience in grade school than most other competitors have period. Just as you would never want to compete head-to-head with him in a cow-tipping tournament, Goddo should prove to be a feared competitor in the Beer Olympics. One of his greatest strengths is his veteran composure under pressure. Taking into account his fashion sense, taste in music, and most recent haircut, we attribute this to him giving up on life altogether. But seeing as he still needs to find some teammates, society's loss could be your team's gain.

ICRS: Toby

Name: Toby
Age: 25
Height: 6' 1"
Preferred Drink: Novacaine
Training Grounds: City of Brotherly Love
Overall ICRS: 2.5


Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
****
When you ask most experienced drinkers about their drinking prime, they'll probably tell you about some glorious period back in their early college years. Toby, however, managed to skip his college binge drinking years like a hiding ostrich - saving himself for what he calls the "ultimate party" and what the rest of us refer to as "dental school." Know this: he's in his prime right now and if he doesn't cower and flee to Michigan he'll be ready for a few beers.

Boot Factor:
*****
Never one to feel bad ruining your good times, Toby will stop drinking all-together if he feels the boot coming on. Mock him as you may, he'll sit there and redirect criticism (in the form of McCheese jokes) with that dumb smirk on his face until you're sick of complaining. It's with great reluctance that we give him a five-star rating in this category, but the simple fact is that he isn't going to boot one way or the other. ...Pussy.

Chug Ability:
**
If the moment is right he can down a full beer and belch in your face before you even know what hit you (...it's the smell that hits you first by the way). Then again, in that same moment you might catch Tina weight-lifting out of the corner of your eye. As far as chugging beer goes, Toby breaks out his "A" game about as often as cicadas come around.

Quarter Skills:
**
Well, he might have some skills working with dentures, root canals, and flossing regularly, but quarter skills... no.

Pong Ability:
**
Beer Pong is one of many games you can put into the category of "Things That Toby is Afraid Of." It will fit nicely next to "McCheese's Dirty Laundry" and "That Chick That Kinda Wants Sizlak."

Beer Die/Guy:
***
For someone who doesn't play all that often, he's actually pretty damn good at this event. We attribute this mostly to the fact that his arms are long enough to fondle the opposing player's nuts while he's attempting to catch the die. Oddly enough, there's no rule against it.

Flip Ability:
*
Toby flips cups like he hits on women. ...He doesn't. Get it? That was a gay joke. A cup once tried to flip over on Toby, but he turned it down citing he was more "into plates."

Intangibles:
**
Even though he's come on strong lately in the drinking game world, there's still a sour taste left in our mouths from what can only be called Toby's vaginal years. We're fairly certain that he didn't participate in his first drinking game (not counting "Make Sammy Drink") until well after he graduated college. But if you can ever get him to actually try something new, he usually ends up being decent at it. And yes, we've been asking him to give women a try for years.

Final Four Teams Are Set

You'll notice on the Team Power Rankings Page that we have our four teams set for the Beer Olympics. At this point this comprises the entire field of Beer Olympics competitors and no others shall be added.

What? I totally told someone I had a team!

Too bad. The rules were clear, first four teams to have their team submitted and paid get the spots. I mentioned this in both the official rules and the FAQ's.

I hate you Chairman M.

No you don't. Those are repressed feelings of inadequacy from your childhood. Besides, there's still a way to compete.

Thank Jesus. I can't imagine being sober on November 24th. Tell me more.

Chairman Horn and I have decided there is enough interest to have eight teams participate, but in order for this to happen we need eight. No more. No less. Beer Pong bracket elimination doesn't work right with six teams. So that means there are four open spots with a huge caveat. If we do not get four more entries we will only play with the four original teams.

Right now we count five interested teams. The rag tag team of misfits will get first dibs at a team entry. So that means there are three open spots for possibly five teams.

So I could still be out. This sounds risky. I should probably get my team together. What can I do to make sure I get a spot?

You've already screwed yourself once, don't do it again. Send me an email right now with the names of all your teammates and a nickname for each. I'll post them under the tenative team area. Once I receive your $50 it will be official. If we get four additional teams you're good to go. If not, I'll give you your money back. Don't be foolish. Email me your team today.

Vote for Most "Sammy" Picture

Sammy's profile is in the bag, but without a picture of my own I had to tap Toby to provide me with an appropriate one. I was alarmed to receive, within 30 minutes of the request, twelve shameful Sammy pictures (I think Toby has a special infatuation with Sammy). I was able to knock some out, but I need help deciding between the last five. Which one should we use for his profile? Feel free to vote early and often in the great Sammy challenge.

1.) Sammy breaks Sizlak's Door

2.) Sammy Thumb Wrestles Matrix Style

3.) Sammy's Dead to the World

4.) Sammy's Been Drinking

5.) Sammy's a Pretty Intense Guy

The 2006 Beer Olympics Commercial

WTF?! Maxim Names Milwaukee #2 Party City in America

It's a cool town, I'll grant you that. I've talked jive with some white boys, vomited in several places and even traveled to the future here, but c'mon number two party city in the nation? No way. Here's what Maxim says:

"Recently named America's "thirstiest" city, Milwaukee eats, sleeps, and burps beer. Home to the Miller Brewing Company, Brewers ball club, and over 500 bars, it guarantees a drinking buddy and a tasty, kraut-covered brat at every turn. Bottoms up!"

When I think of a party city, I think of shots being poured into my mouth by crazy hot topless chicks. The two cities that fit the bill, Las Vegas and New Orleans, sandwich Milwaukee as the one and three cities, making the selection seem even more out of place.

Now, when I think of Milwaukee, I think of brats and beer. It's a great place to eat lots of meat and get obliterated with a couple of your closest friends, but to qualify as a party city you must have hot women and in this department they are sorely lacking (sorry MU alumnae).

The situation is best described by Chairman Horn while looking at MU's entry into Playboy's Girls of Conference USA. "She's not bad, but like most girls around here, she becomes much more attactive after a case of Busch Light. So drink up."

Maybe I'm wrong. There's plenty of homeless guys to share a drink with. The city recently lost it's leadership position of fattest city in America. And Milwaukee is the only city to force Mayor McCheese into the emergency room for a drinking related incident (note: McCheese continued drinking after being released).

Milwaukeeites, I look forward to the defense of your city. With Chicago at number ten, and Miami not even on the list, I think something went horribly horribly wrong with these rankings.

ICRS: Dr. Dre

Name: Dr. Dre
Age: 24
Height: 5' 3"
Preferred Drink: Goldschlager
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.5



Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
He may get drunk. He may say awkward stuff. He may even cause a girl to say, "I'd really like to go home with you tonight, but your friend Dre is creeping my friend out so much that we have to leave." But in any of those instances he'll just keep drinking and laughing, knowing that you're a big vagina for going to sleep at 3 am, while he keeps drinking alone until well after sun rise.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
You're about 200 times more likely to see his arms around a fat chick than around the toliet bowl. I'm not saying he hasn't ever vomited, it's just that there's too many hefty women around that Dre doesn't have time to spew.

Chug Ability:
* * *
Dre has somewhat slimmed down from his peak chugging days and it remains to be seen whether he'll be more Takeru Kobayashi than Bill Gates. No stranger to the phrase "loosen your throat muscles", he himself may be a strong opponent, but when he continually offers this advice to his female teamates, it may creep them out enough to mutiny.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
He's solid with the single shotglass, but with six gigs of video on the subject, I'm guessing his strong suit will be the money shot.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
Stubby arms and history of wrestling aside, this guy can actually get the job done. Using little arc, he prefers the downward toss, for devestatingly effective accuracy. His only weakness, an occasionally elbow over the line, is usually negated by his defense, "No it wasn't."

Beer Guy:
* * *
Dre tried to get inducted into the Champaign Triumvarete of Beer Die, but it just wouldn't take. He knows how to play the game, but don't expect to be wowed by the flair and pizzazz he demonstrates in other games.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
When a younger girl he was hitting on dared say she was a better taps player than him he responded, "You think you can drink? You don't know anything. When you were riding the school bus to grade school, I was here. Drinking. At Kam's." As usual, he went home alone that night, but he had made his point.

Intangibles:
* * *
This isn't a guy talking about "brushing off his drinking skills". He spent an extra year in college to stay sharp and even after moving to Chicago, not much changed. For most people the Beer Olympics will test the very limits of their drinking abilities. Dre just sees it as a "good opportunity to pre-party before going out later that night."

ADOPT ME!

Imagine you're back in the third grade and dodge ball teams are being picked. First all the girls are taken, then the guy with one leg, and the border line retard. Still you stand there. Feels pretty horrible, huh? But while in your case you probably deserved to be picked last, these guys don't. They're the free agents of the dodgeball field except they can chug and flip better than Norris.

Need to fill up your team with some solid competitors? Stop considering the one legged kid and email me to select one of these guys.

---------------------------------------

Beergirl

Like the rest of the competitors we gave Beergirl a fair amount of shit in his profile, but truth be told he's a solid competitor. More importantly, he's passionate about the Beer Olympics. I might go so far as to call it "ferocious". Any team would be lucky to add him to the roster. Below is his plea for joining your team. If you would like to adopt Beergirl, you know my address.

"My name is "Beergirl", I come here today to make a plea to your best nature.I really want to participate in the Beer Olympics, but unfortunately, Idon't have a team to register. I am a man without a country. A drinkerwithout a team. I wish I had people I could count on to stand beside me at aFlip Cup table, but for now, I stand alone.

"I believe in this competition. The spirit of camaraderie should be coursingthrough my veins along with potentially dangerous levels of alcohol. But,without a team, I will just have to sit on the sidelines during these greatgames.

"I'm valuable at a Flip Cup table. I am an asset during Beer Guy. I can help.I just need you to give me a chance. Because the last thing I want to be onNovember 24th is sober. Thank you for your time."

ICRS: McGee

Name: McGee
Age: 24
Height: 5' 3"
Preferred Drink: Miller Light
Training Grounds: Wild Wild West
Overall ICRS: 3.125





Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * * (what she thinks she can drink) /
* * (what the officer's Breathalyzer says she can drink)
When you talk about McGee and use the word tolerance, it usually has something to do with how many beers she can drink before you want to duct tape her mouth shut or knock her unconscious. (By the way, if that was a category she would only be getting one star.) That being said, her drinking capabilities are pretty much on par for a female competitor.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Despite only having an average tolerance, booting isn't usually an issue for McGee. We're expecting the "pass out" to be more of a threat come game time. The team captain may want to keep some No-Doze handy for the later rounds. If nothing else, it could prove to be a fun gag for some of the drunks.

Chug Ability:
* * *
While not as white and creamy as her drink of choice, McGee can quickly put down beer in small doses. Don't expect much out of her in a power chug, but look for her to make short work out of regular penalty drinks.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
McGee should start off strong in this event. Look for her to make some clutch setup passes in the early-going. After a few beers we expect she'll lose focus and start masturbating to Hunter Hillenmeyer, who she was mysteriously able to envision after five minutes of staring blankly at a bag of pretzels. (McCheese seems to have the same ability with Barbara Streisand)

Pong Ability:
* * *
To say that she has good days and bad days at this event would be an understatement. We've seen her run through ten cups effortlessly on a Friday, and then take shots that make the opposing team duck on the following Saturday. Speaking of which, is there a mendoza rule in Beer Pong?

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
For those of you that thought this entire paragraph would revolve around the always-popular "cleavage catch"... you were absolutely right. Thank God that McGee can't catch the die with her hands, because otherwise the cleavage catch rule would give her an unbelievable advantage over players with average bust sizes. Much like the Evolutionary-Foy theory, the entire rulebook of Beer Guy would have to be altered to address this critical flaw. For those that aren't quite clear on this, here's an image depicting McGee's cleavage catch advantage for all you visual learners: (see below.) My team may counter this by using McCheese, who has similarly-sized cleavage.












Flip Ability:
* * * *
Take the beer into your mouth, swallow, some quick wrist action, and repeat. Yep, this is definitely her best event. She'll make a solid female center piece on any team. And even though she not talented enough for the position, we recommend using her as the anchor so that both teams will have equal opportunity looking down her shirt.

Intangibles:
* * *
While McGee doesn't dominate in any one event, she does bring a solid all-around game to the table. A good team captain will coordinate some sort of Buddy System to help her avoid getting any DUIs on her way to the bathroom. We expect match-ups will play a key role here. Look for her to pitted head-to-head against Baby Bird, consistently distracting her with her goods. She may also upset some heavily-favored (no pun intended, McCheese) male competitors if the pressure is on.

ICRS: Sizlak

Name: Sizlak
Age: 25
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Skoal Vodka, but only if he has to pay $600 a bottle for table service in Vegas
Training Grounds: Big Easy
Overall ICRS: 2.875

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
There was a time long ago when Sizlak's drinking abilities were near legendary. He was pretty much the Michael Jordan of his first AA group. But time has taken its toll on the pathetic southern hick. Unfortunately Sizlak can't seem to come to terms with reality. But his childish attempts to distract you from the truth with his sequined pink sports coat and spandex biker shorts aren't fooling anyone. Maybe he just needs a juicebox and a hug?

Boot Factor:
* * * * *
He drives a truck. He doesn't puke. Puking is for wusses. (He'd rather bow out and save face than compete on the same level as everyone and realize he doesn't quite measure up to Tina while drinking.)

Chug Ability:
* *
High rollers don't chug. They buy shots. In fact, who wants a shot?

Quarter Skills:
* *
Sizlak barely knows what a quarter is. He hasn't seen a quarter since he achieved "high-roller" status back in high school. But if the point of the game was to bounce crumpled up $100 bills into a shot glass... he would be untouchable.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Throwing a ping pong ball into a cup of beer may seem childish when compared to making million dollar realestate acquisitions. But don't be surprised if the "big" man breaks into tears and whimpers for his "mama" after a few humiliating rounds. He may need to take that sleeveless flannel off and use it as a diaper after we're done with him.

Beer Die/Guy:
* *
Expect him to wear sunglasses to the table to hide the fear in his eyes if he enters this competition. Actually, expect him to wear sunglasses anyway because he's a fucking idiot.

Flip Ability:
* * *
We expect Sizlak to be about as smooth with the flip as he is with the ladies. That is, look for him to remove his shirt, walk into the middle of Addison Ave., and scream and passing cars about how beautiful he is until the cup eventually caves in and turns over.

Intangibles:
* *
Despite his high-roller status, years of drinking, and highly-attune arrogance, Sizlak brings relatively little to the table in the world of competitive drinking. We're hoping at the very least he springs for pizza and keeps his mouth shut.

ICRS: Nown

Name: Nown
Age: 24
Height: 5' 1"
Preferred Drink: Irish Whiskey
Training Grounds: Milwaukee
Overall ICRS: 3.25

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
We foresee an internal struggle in the works. The old south-side Irish drinker inside her battles against the light-weight, urban marketing girl she has become. Who will emerge victorious? Our bet is Tina, but the spectators should get their money's worth as well.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Not typically a problem for the perky lush, but be warned: when she falls, she falls hard. If it comes to it, you can expect at least four drunken phone calls in search of emotional support followed by her waking up the next day with personal possessions missing (clothing, car, eyebrows, self-respect, etc).

Chug Ability:
* * *
Although better when chugging out of another girl's cleavage, she's no slouch in this area by any means. Look for her to embarrass her quasi-male counterpart while simultaneously consoling him with words like "there, there... you're still special."

Quarter Skills:
* *
As a female, she's too easily distracted by shiny objects to call her a solid competitor in this event, but she should be able to regain her focus after the first couple bounces and stick around long enough to watch a few other people get eliminated before her. Outside of that, look for her to excel at not excelling at this event.

Pong Ability:
* * *
Fairly new to the game as whole, Nown has taken to beer pong like Papa discovering Internet porn. Nevertheless, she lacks the composure and follow-through to truly become a force. Will someone please tell me why women always jerk their arms back immediately after they let go of the ball?

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
Her tiny circus-midget sized hands put her at an automatic disadvantage here, but she has improved by leaps and bounds since first sitting down at the Guy table. If anyone would like to bring their parents by for the festivities, we expect Nown will feel right at home introducing herself with her pants around her ankles.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
As a MU alumna you can pretty much assume she's got mad skills flipping a cup. Standard red, 12-oz., glass, Dixie... she doesn't care. Give her a pitcher and watch her chug, flip it, and immediately talk some trash! Her Richard Simmons-style attack will leave competitors nervous to go head-to-head each round.

Intangibles:
* * * *
She packs a decent punch in a small package, but her rookie status doesn't bode well for a competition that favors seasoned beer gamers. Her initial negativity towards the Beer Olympics as a whole had many expecting her to fail. But we've since witnessed a dramatic change as she's back to her bubbly and over-optimistic self in recent weeks. We're going out on a limb and predicting that she'll hyperventilate from over-excitement halfway through the obstacle course but recover in time to see the finish.

ICRS: Beer Girl

Name: Beer Girl
Age: 37
Height: 5' 9"
Preferred Drink: Tequila Sunrise, with bold hues of armaranth enhanced by slight chiaroscuro
Training Grounds: Eastern Seaboard
Overall ICRS: 3.125

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
According to his driver's license Beergirl is no female... but you wouldn't know it from watching him drink. We're fairly confident that you could replace his penalty cups with O'Douls and he'd still end up on the floor. This is the type of guy who gets tipsy after he rinses with Listerine in the morning. But don't count him out just because he falls below Tina on the masculinity chart. He's coordinated, competitive, and won't be brushed off lightly in any event come game day.

Boot Factor:
* * * *
Despite a sub-zero tolerance, this has never been a real problem area for Beergirl. We'd be much more concerned about an early and extremely shameful pass out (one which would inevitably end in him driving home early the next morning and not speaking to any of us again until we had all forgotten a few weeks later).

Chug Ability:
* * *
We've never been witness to him chugging a beer and we're pretty sure that's no coincidence. Chances are good he could make you a detailed oil painting of said event with greater speed and accuracy. And I want one for my living room. Seriously.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
If all of his quarters bounce with the same flutter and pizzaz as the way he walks, he should be in pretty good shape. We're assuming he's relatively new to the speed version we play, so look for pressure situations to put a damper on his otherwise perky and bubbly demeanor.

Pong Ability:
* *
Since he's been out of college for over a decade, we're expecting him to be rusty in this event. Besides, the balls he's used to playing with are significantly smaller. Cut the guy a break, he's an art teacher.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * *
If he shows up wearing a skirt, this is one commentator that won't be surprised. And no, he's not Scottish. But his lack of talent is due to limited experience and nothing more. He improves nearly exponentially with each game he puts under his belt (assuming you wear a belt with the skirt? Not sure.) And his admiration for the game makes him a viable option and threat in the sport of Beer Guy.

Flip Ability:
* * *
As anybody in their mid-30's can tell you, he's been around the block long enough to have flipped a cup or two in his day. We just hope tha this eastern sea-board upbringing combined with his Rocky Mountain college days can compete on the same level as the field of Midwesterners (where this sort of thing is our only true form of entertainment).

Intangibles:
* * * *
Don't let the goatee and pick-up truck fool you... Beergirl is all woman and come Nov. 24th, you'll hear her roar. Sure he may not know what the inside of a men's room looks like, but that won't stop him from giving it his all and turning some heads in the process. Don't expecthim to just take the loss sitting down, he'll Tivo the Home Shopping Network that day and come out ready to play. This bitch has claws.

Relax & House Keeping

Everyone relax. Contrary to popular belief if the Beer Olympics website isn't updated daily it will still exist the next day.

I've heard a lot of teams ready to commit, but haven't quite made the plunge. We're getting closer and we need commitment. I want to open up to eight teams, but sitting at two makes that move very difficult. So send me your teams, send me your money, and send me your tales of shame.

Speaking of shame, Chairman Heed, or Horn, or whatever you may call him has a special request to everyone. Please gain weight and do more stupid things. As we continue to write more profiles they get more and more difficult. Please make an effort to be larger (Jones) or more shameful (Trifecta) or a combination of the two (McCheese). The process comes natural for the latter category. The consensus opinion is that we could probably write two more profiles for McCheese, based solely on his weight and other foolish things he's done. So if you haven't had your profile written yet, please make a note to eat more and urinate on yourself. Thanks.

And finally, if you enjoy the website please add a comment or two. It makes it more interesting. Maybe you have a story to add, or a "this would have been better" comment. We'd like to see those.

So enjoy the rest of the week. Posting to occur every day until Friday. Don't freak out if there isn't a new profile on Saturday morning.

ICRS: Trifecta

Name: Trifecta
Age: 24
Height: 5' 11"
Preferred Drink: Whatever's not guarded
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.625

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * *
Trifecta has honed his tolerance from an early age. He's battled mild forms of alcoholism (Do you drink alone? "I'm not drinking alone if I'm talking online") and several alcohol poisoning incidents ("I slept underneath a car last night for a couple of hours because I couldn't find my way home.") All this has lead to his current state: human on the outside, giant suffering liver on the inside.

Boot Factor:
* *
For a college project he stood in front of a class of 18 horrified students and described a night of drinking in which he vomited, urinated on a pile of library books, and shat himself. Which is worse, that it happened or that he used it to get an A in Speech Comm 114? Trifecta rarely spews, but when it happens it's a nuclear event.

Chug Ability:
* * *
He's usually slotted in the middle of a taps lineup but can be a sneaky play at anchor. My mind is too hazy to accurately rate him, but I don't remember Baby Bird hitting or yelling at him during play, so he must be decent.

Quarter Skills:
* * * *
Here's a guy who orders "cheapest beer possible" or picks up unattended drinks one night and tries to outspend an oil tycoon the next. Obviously not strong with large denominations, the quarter is more his speed, and he'll make you pay time and time again.

Pong Ability:
* * * *
Recently hit ten free throws in a row to force me to chug my beer, then before my pour foam settled, hit twenty more to further punish. Since there is no real defense allowed, Trifecta is money in this event.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
Team U of I made a last minute decision to deem him Physically Unable to Perform in the SIU Beer Die/Guy Challenge of 2002. The move was costly and gave a more talented and fatter Marquette team the victory and SIU naming rights. Here in 2006, Trifecta has learned his lesson, and when the moment comes he'll be primed and ready to dominate.

Flip Ability:
* * * *
You think Trifecta doesn't have flipping skills? He breathes flipping ability. I'll let him elaborate, "My dream is to go into church during Communion, chug the wine, and one flip the chalice on the altar. I think Jesus would appreciate that. I might actually get nominated for Sainthood."

Intangibles:
* * * *
His team lacking a true Beast Chugger like McCheese, Trifecta will be forced to shoulder some of the heavy lifting along with team captain Chairman M. If the extra load doesn't hurt his finesse and stability in some of the more precise games he could be in the hunt for MVP. In a way he's been training for this moment his entire life.

ICRS: Chuck Norris

Name: Chuck Norris
Age: Ageless
Height: 5' 8"
Preferred Drink: The Souls of Lesser Men
Training Grounds: 'Nam
Overall ICRS: 5.0

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Boot Factor:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chug Ability:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Quarter Skills:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Pong Ability:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * * *
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Flip Ability:
* * * * *
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer

Intangibles:
* * * * *
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

ICRS: Mendoza

Name: Mendoza
Age: 24
Height: 4' 10"
Preferred Drink: Vodka
Training Grounds: Carbondale
Overall ICRS: 3.0

Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* * *
Mendoza is no newbie to drinking competitions. I've personally watched her drink herself unconscious, wake up later, realize that she has fallen behind, and continue drinking for spite. She can throw down as much as a 12-pack if the pressures on, but even she can't deny that she's drunk after the first two. So the question isn't how drunk will she get, it's how long will she be able to keep drinking.

Boot Factor:
* * * * *
She marked her territory in three out of four bathroom's at The Condo without even trying. Ended up using a toilet seat as her pillow of choice. Woke up the next afternoon and ordered a deep dish pizza. Does it really need more explaining?

Chug Ability:
* *
Full beers are a non-issue for the light-weight New Yorker. But give her a half beer or less and watch her shine. Her technique is nothing noteworthy, but the size and overall capacity of her mouth is unparalleled.

Quarter Skills:
* *
That's the big silver coin, right? Let's face it... she's not much of a bouncer, but everybody should keep an eye on her anyway to make sure she isn't stealing all the quarters for some early Christmas shoe shopping.

Pong Ability:
*
We've never seen her play pong before, but we've seen her throw darts... Next.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
You'll never guess why they call her Mendoza. If her coordination ever catches up to her love for the game, we'll have a new ringer in this event. And even though watching her try to catch a die makes you question how she's able to dress herself in the morning, she's a true beer guy player in her own right. Don't look for skill, watch for entertainment.

Flip Ability:
* * *
Never one to back down from a challenge, this could be a key event for her. While not particularly strong in any one facet of the flip, she'll throw all humility aside for that one small chance at victory.

Intangibles:
* * * *
You'll think she's drunk before the ceremonial first beer is even cracked. Watch her play Beer Guy and you'll be downright certain. But don't expect her to throw in the towel simply because she can't count backwards from ten. She's never been that good at counting anyway. This girl is full of confidence, motivation, and drive. How is that possible? We haven't figured that part out yet. But if all goes well you can expect great things from her. Look for her to match previous lows by splitting her pants or falling down a flight of stairs.

ICRS: Baby Bird

Name: Baby Bird
Age: 25
Height: 5' 6"
Preferred Drink: Vodka Tonic
Training Grounds: Champaign
Overall ICRS: 3.25



Individual Competitive Score

Tolerance:
* *
There's a reason they call her Baby Bird, one drop of alcohol and she's completely gone. That doesn't mean that she can't go the whole night. She could pass out after one beer, could do so after twenty, but either way it's happening. She drinks Thelma and Loise style: 100 mph, blindfolded, and screaming toward the edge of a cliff. It's going to be messy, but you don't know when.

Boot Factor:
* * *
She's tagged her fair share of bathrooms in her day, but the real risk is the pass out. She often calmly lays down (passes out) in odd places citing, "I'm just feeling tired." Said places include my fraternity house kitchen next to a dead mouse, my mom's front lawn, the street, and a snow bank.

Chug Ability:
* * *
If you're mildy friendly with Baby Bird you know her mouth is always open and flowing with conversation, but can she reverse the flow and jam beer down that gullet? In her own mind she's the best chugger with female genatalia, and that confidence may be enough to crush the competition.

Quarter Skills:
* * *
Like an old lady at the flea market she can be easily distracted by coins with states she hasn't collected, "Ohh, Colorado!" Give her space and she'll one shot time and time again, but the moment she's in danger of being clinked she panics and crumbles.

Pong Ability:
* * *
She's a decent shot, but let's face it girls are at a natural disadvantage. If you aren't handling balls on a daily basis, you just don't have the practice that other competitors do.

Beer Die/Guy:
* * * *
Catch her sober and she's awful. Catching a die when you're shaking like Michael J. Fox is tough to do. Give her two beers and the soothing effects of alcohol give her border line man skills. She's messed with the best and come away with tales to tell. The big question: Who's her partner and how many of her beers can he drink?

Flip Ability:
* * * *
Believes she outchugged and outflipped Mayor McCheese boat racing in our garage (there's proof). With larger hands than most girls she has firm control of the cup and if that doesn't help, her intensity will. She's been known to bump losing male captains from the end of the taps line and psychs her team up with yelling, slaps, and punches. Her team is usually victorious although also bruised and emotionally broken.

Intangibles:
* * * *
Baby Bird can be a deadly pixie. One minute she'll be laughing and joking with you and next minute she'll kick you in the junk in front of a Pizza Magia, leaving you on the pavement coughing up blood and wishing for death. If you suck at life, she'll let you know instantly and keep reminding you. Like McCheese she can be easily distracted by busty women and cheese fries. As long as she avoids starting incidents that lead to her male teammates getting involved, and possibly getting stabbed, she will be a key competitor.